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Michael Hoffman

Movie "Brothers" shows complex ways that war affects

I just watched the movie Brothers on DVD (see trailer). It does an excellent job of showing how war affects people's lives back home. If you have not seen it, I really recommend it- that is when you are up for an emotionally intense movie. It is extremely well done and the actors give outstanding performances.

I do not think we always consider the complex ways that war affects people and families. Brothers does an excellent job of conveying this. Tobey Maguire's character was strong; he had every aspect of his life together. Yet his war experience, granted it was extreme, totally broke him down. Even though he worked through the really intense part of his healing, he was left wondering if it was possible to rebuild his life. No matter how strong we are, we are vulnerable to such trauma.

The effects on his family was huge including his brother, wife, two daughters, and father. The dynamics in his family are profound and complex.

He likely would not have survived if his brother (Jake Gyllenhaal) and wife (Natalie Portman) were not so strong and supportive. I wonder what happens to the veterans that are not as strong as his character, and did not have such strong and caring family members.

As a statistic, Tobey Maguire's character lived. But his life and the lives of his family will never be the same. Hundreds of thousands of lives are affected in so many ways when veterans return home.

Next time you feel poorly about yourself, go deeper

You are innocent and beautiful inside. If you go deep enough, there is nothing but light and love in there.

Our innocence and beauty just gets walled off with mistaken beliefs about ourselves. We are told there is something wrong with us- that we are deficient. We are told that we are born of sin. These self-beliefs create onion layers around the light and love.

After a while, we cannot access the light and love anymore. All we can feel are the onion layers or mistaken beliefs. They feel icky. We believe that the ickiness we feel is who we are inside.

These beliefs are 180 degrees from the truth. Those mistaken beliefs are not who you are. Someone sold you a bill of goods. You believed them.

Next time you feel poorly about yourself, go deeper. Meditate, pray, fall in love, follow your passion, explore. Just do whatever it takes to get beyond the onion layers to the light and love.

Your beauty is still in there waiting for you to discover it. Beneath the layers of self-beliefs, you are still as innocent as the day that you were born.

But don't believe me. You will have to experience it for yourself.

That works for me

Things either work for you- or they don't. Few things in life are so cut and dry.

When you let go of trying to control or change people and situations, you are left with accepting them the way that they are. Then your only recourse is to discern whether this situation works for you or not- and act on it.

Environments either support who and what you are or they do not. If they do, proceed. If they do not- you owe it yourself to leave and find one that uplifts you. One that works.

Relationships either support you as you are, or they do not. You get the idea.

So embrace or encompass the experience that is in front of you. Allow all the information in. Discern. Your instincts will tell you if it is a good place for you to be. Then... find the courage to either stay and surrender yourself to it- or leave. You may have to be there for business reasons, but you don't have to hang out.

There are people who are willing and able to support you as you are. They likely will not have the opportunity to meet you until you extricate yourself from your non-supportive people. There sometimes is a lonely period between leaving the old and finding the new. It takes strength and determination.

Most of us have to get a little more selective about how and where we spend our time. Life is so precious. Time and how we spend it is our most valuable resource.

I am nothing, I know nothing

Whenever I want to be really present, I say, "I am nothing, I know nothing." It is a declaration taught to me by my teacher to be clear when doing Native American ceremony. I use it in all aspects of my life. Saying this (and meaning it) allows me to detach from all the things that I thought I was and thought I knew. Then I can discover who I am in my present experience.

It allows me to "empty my cup," so there is room for something new.

It allows me to be "teachable." I can learn something.

Then I do not have to reinforce the things I thought I was or thought I knew with my new experience. I can be free to see and experience things way they are.

It is the most powerful teaching and tool that I was ever given.

Try it sometime. You will be amazed at what you discover.

See (that person) outside the box

The first thing that people often do when meeting someone new is to put them in a box. We intellectually label and stereotype that person. We "pigeon-hole" them so we do not have to think about who they are anymore. Then we just interact with our preconception of them.

Truth is... people just do not fit that well into a box. They are dynamic, complex, and ever-changing. They have different aspects of themselves that they draw on at different times.

To get to know someone, we have to be open to who they are all the time. We have to put away our preconceptions of them and pay attention to who they are right now. We may be witnessing the first time they ever exposed that part of themselves to someone.

But most folks do not go to all that trouble. Much easier to make assumptions about people. Then we do not have to think about who this person is. We do not have to continually redefine and discover who they. Most of all, we do not have to redefine who we are in relation to them. We do not have to feel or get involved. That could be risky and downright uncomfortable.

Plus that way we can create the illusion that we can control them. Much safer that way.

Only problem is... we miss our once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to discover who that person really is in this moment. We fail to see how their beauty is beyond definition.

You get to leave when you learn the lesson

Karma is best defined as unfinished business. Often when we are stuck in situations such as an unhappy relationship or a job that we do not like, it is due to unfinished business.

There is part of us that wants to resolve our unfinished business. We likely unconsciously put ourselves there so we could learn the lesson and complete our unfinished business. Plus, we often need that understanding to create something different.

If we leave the situation before it is resolved, we often create a new similar situation to complete our unfinished business. I call this "revolving door syndrome." The movie Groundhog Day depicted this concept extremely well. When Bill Murray's character completed the lesson, he got to leave his revolving door or "karmic loop."

Therefore if you are stuck in a situation that is not working for you, it may serve you to explore what the lesson is. What are you trying to learn or understand? Then you can complete your unfinished business and move on to something new.

Furthermore, I have found when people resolve their unfinished business, a shift or new doorway will often naturally appear.

On the other hand, once you have learned the lesson, you owe it to yourself to leave. There is nothing there for you anymore.

So... if you do not like your job (or other situation), you get to leave it (for good) when you learn the lesson and complete your unfinished business.

Flow like water to where you want to be

Water flows to its source via the path of least resistance. It is the most powerful thing on the planet.

It does not tantrum against things or demand people or situations to change. It simply flows through anything it encounters. It slowly erodes away its obstacles. It is patient. It always gets where it is trying to go. It doesn't get stuck or attached to things.

So how can we flow like water? It starts with seeing things as they are. Cease expending energy trying to change people and things into what you need them to be. Rather invest your energy and creativity to accepting things as they are and flowing through them.

When entering an experience, encompass (see previous blog) or embrace everything that is going on in front of you. See and accept all the dynamics and interactions. Allow a way to flow through the experience to present itself. Jump in. The water is fine.

You can feel when you are flowing with your life. Things are clicking. Doors are opening. It is harmonious.

True Strength is the extent that you can trust your heart

True strength comes from inside ourselves. Our heart knows what to do. We access this by allowing ourselves to feel. The extent that we are able to trust our heart and act on what it is telling us to do is how strong we are.

What do we look to when we find ourselves in a challenging situation? Do we trust ourselves enough to act on what our intuition and instincts are telling us to do?

Or... do we try to process it through our intellect? Do we look to others to tell us what to do. Do we try to figure out what is socially acceptable? These things compromise our strength.

Did you ever get a strong feeling to do or not do something, not listen to it, and then later find out that listening to yourself would have saved you a lot of grief?

Leaders are strong in this way. They trust themselves.

Our current world needs leaders and strong people. Can it count on you trusting your heart?

Look inside yourself for guidance and direction

Our culture encourages us to look outside of ourselves on how to be. What direction are things moving? How do I fit? What is socially acceptable? But maybe our culture is more lost than you are. We look to each other and patterns of behavior and trends are formed. Someone declares that this is the new way to be. It has no anchor. The blind are leading the blind.

True direction for your life has to come from inside of you. This is the only hope for fulfillment or true happiness. What is important to you? What are you passionate about? What special talent do you have to offer to make the world a better place? These questions cannot be answered by someone outside of ourselves. Yet, that is where we tend to look.

It has to start with finding a way to look inside yourself. There is something inside yourself that is trying to guide you. You can access it though your feelings and dreams. You can pay attention to what you are drawn to and go explore it. You can mediate or pray. You can journal or express yourself through a project or art. You do can what you really feel like doing. You can trust your instincts.

But is has to start by looking in the right place... inside you. Only you knows what it feels like to be you. Why would you look to another?

Exposure and discovery: The key to intimacy

Intimacy is about exposure. It is allowing someone to see who you really are.

In one form or another, our self-beliefs and self-concepts tell us that there is something wrong with us. That if we allow someone to see who we are inside, they will reject us and leave us. So we present ourselves in a way that spins who we are to make us more socially acceptable. We wear a mask.

The downside of hiding or cloaking yourself is that no one really gets to know who you are really are. You are are all alone with how you feel inside. This is the one of the reasons that loneliness is so rampant in our culture.

So if you want to be close with someone you have to be willing to risk. You EXPOSE who you really are to them. One piece at time. You have to trust that they are strong enough to accept and support who we are. And trust that you are strong enough to heal yourself and reconfigure your life if they are not able to. You will feel a bit vulnerable after you expose something real about yourself. Although uncomfortable- that is a sign that you are on the right track.

And... you have to be willing to DISCOVER who they really are. You invite them to expose who they are. When they start sharing something about themselves, you listen and encourage them to continue. Your only intention is discovering and accepting who they are. Ask inquisitive questions. Do not judge or try to solve anything for them. They will be watching closely to see if you are able to accept them.

So if you want to feel close to someone, risk exposing who you are and discovering who they are. Life is much more enjoyable when you have someone to share yourself with.

Focus and Discipline

To create the life you want, you need clear intention. This requires focus. You sometimes need to do some soul-searching to find out what is important to you. It has to be what is important to you now- not ten years ago.

As we grow, what is important to us changes. These changes sometimes manifest in "existential crises" such as midlife crises. The way to resolve an existential crisis is to redefine what is important to you. This allows you to focus and create something new. This can be done through a "rite of passage"- or consciously changing what your life is about.

Then you can attract the thing you intend to yourself. This is what The Secret and Law of Attraction talk about.

Once your intention is focused, you need discipline. You have to hold that focus long enough to for it to manifest. If you let your mind and intention go all over the place, you will create random things for ourselves. By the time the things that you intended presents itself, you are onto something else and often do not even recognize it.

Discipline allows us to work with our intention long enough to unfold it. This is illustrated through a metaphor of shooting arrows. If you shoot your arrows in the same direction, it takes you further and further toward your goal. If you shoot your arrows in all different directions, they are not able to be as focused and effective.

So take aim and keep shooting your arrows until the thing you intended presents itself. Many people give up or get distracted right before what they want appears. Focus and discipline.

Time for a change? We all need a Metamorphosis.

One of my greatest passions is reserving a weekend and guiding people through a complete personal change. I have received so much value from such events over the past 25 years- sometimes as a participant and sometimes as a facilitator.

When planning for this event, my marketing consultant, John Driscoll, had a great idea. Why not make it a weekend retreat instead of a weekend seminar? Then people could stay overnight, eat there, and have an uninterupted 45 hours to focus on themselves. I said let's do it.

I am calling it a "Metamorphosis" Retreat. It will be at the Bear Creek Lodge by the beautiful Mt. Spokane. Many people do not allow themselves the life they want because they do not believe that it is possible. There is something about two days away from it all that evokes the clarity and insight into what is really important to you- and the extent you allow yourself to have it. I will use Native American ceremony, guided meditation, and sharing circles to walk participants through their own metamorphosis- in which they choose what to change into.

The retreat is Friday night, April 23 through Sunday afternoon April 25. There is still room. It includes meals and two nights of lodging at the Bear Creek Lodge. For more information call me at 509-850-7694, or email me at info@michaelhoffman.info.

So turn your cell phone off. Put the world on hold. It will still be there when you return. It just may look a little different.

Look for opportunities to address emotional issues

When looking to have experiences that have emotional content involved, the timing and energy of the people involved is essential.

When taking care of business, you are primarily working with your rational, analytical mind to make decisions and address situations. It works to have meeting about such and such topic at 10:00 am on Tuesday, for instance. The rational mind or intellect is relatively detached from our emotions and can deal with the task at hand on demand.

But for emotional experiences, it is much more effective to address them when the timing and energy is right. It is important to discern the emotional energy of the person and yourself to see if it is conducive to such a discussion or experience.

So when you are wanting to address something with someone you care about, send out the intention, and then look for opportunities to present themselves to address or experience it. Trust your instincts to know when the energy is right. It is a matter of letting things unfold rather than forcing them.

Another skill to do this is to allow the subject matter that you wish to discuss to arise naturally. My Zen teacher would wait months for me to bring a topic up before he would discuss and give me counsel on it. That way he knew that I was ready and open to it. He found it more authentic to address things that were in the "present."

By finding the right opportunity, you will find the person you wish to connect with more open and available to what you want to share with them.

What energy does this experience require?

We typically respond to situations by what we say or do. But it is also essential to consider how we say it or do it. With what emotional or life energy do we offer our words or actions? Is it soft and compassionate? Is it strong and intense? Is it playful and humorous?

Obviously, different experiences require different energies. So when we approach an experience and consider what to do, we might also consider what type of energy that experience requires.

People respond to the energy that you carry more than the words or even actions. And it makes actions and words be understood and have more of an impact. It adds color and richness to the experience.

It is when a parent finds the way that there child misbehaved is somewhat humorous- but they want to send the message that what the child did is serious. So they care enough to pull up the energy of being strict and strong. If they do not, the child will not take them seriously and learn anything.

We typically have some energies that we are more comfortable at carrying than others. We tend to offer our default energy with everything that we do.

Offering different energies allows us to be dynamic. We have to be willing to go beyond our inhibition and "play act" that energy. This is what good actors are able to do. They are able to project the energy of what they are saying and doing. So much that you can feel it across the screen. It is real because they pull it up from inside themselves.

People may think we are weird, intense, no fun, over the top, bitchy, not cool, or silly. There is a good chance that they will not like us at the time of that experience. We have to be willing to risk.

So next time you are considering what to say or do- ask yourself, "What energy will express what I am trying to say or do here." Then... find the strength to pull that energy up and offer it.

Discern when offering your gift to someone

Do you like to give? This teaching has helped me immeasurably. When giving... always bring up the energy of the gift to the person you are offering it to and discern if the door is open before offering it to them. Discern if there is a connection before proceeding.

Watch investing in people who are not open. This creates "misguided compassion." Make sure you are not projecting qualities onto them that you need them to have.

A gift from your heart is sacred. Treat it as being precious. People who are not open to it are not worthy of it. Are they in their heart or in their intellect. If they start judging or criticizing your gift, you know you are in trouble. Pack up your gift and move on. Do not waste the beauty of your heart on someone who is not open to it. It hurts you, and frightens and repels them.

So bring up the energy of your gift before offering it. Allow the energy of the person in. Are they compatible? Do they connect? If so, proceed. If not, save it for another day. This is discernment.

The beauty of your gift will soon attract someone that is open to it. You will see them... provided you don't keep trying to give it to people that are not open to it.

"I don't do business that don't make me smile."

These lyrics from the song Treetop Flyer by Stephen Stills always rang true to me. The interactions and experiences that we present to ourselves and how we respond to them is what comprises our life. Why not experience things that bring joy to you?

I am not suggesting that interactions and relationships need to be blissful or joyful all the time. That is not realistic.

But, if interactions not bringing you joy or making you smile on a regular basis, why would you continue to do it? Life is meant to be joyful.

If you are regularly dreading a job, relationship, client, or any interaction, maybe it is time to make some changes. You could change the parameters of the interaction. Or you could choose to interact with someone or something else. I am not suggesting you spontaneously quit your job or leave your relationship. I am suggesting that you consider how you are choosing to live your life.

Do you believe in your abundance enough to see alternatives for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?

Or... do you submit to the fear of: "I better hold onto to that job with the economy the way it is." Or, "If I leave this person, I may not meet anyone else."

There are a lot of people and opportunities on the planet. There ought to be interactions available to you that make you smile- at least most of the time.

Life is so short. Why hang out in interactions that you continually do not enjoy?

The possibilities of allowing things to unfold

When I first learned to create things for myself, I tended to force things to happen. This was a huge improvement on being passive and feeling that things were happening to me.

But by forcing things to happen, we are limited to creating the thing that we have our sights set on. It is linear. "I want that job. I am going to make that happen." When we do this, we push our energy out.

By creating an intention for what you want and allowing things to unfold, you open yourself to all the possibilities associated with that intention. There may be something more beneficial than what you initially identified for yourself. When we do this, we allow energy in.

Allowing things to unfold starts with clear intention. It has to get to the core of what you really want.

Then when allowing this to unfold you have to let go of the picture of what you wanted, so you can see all the possibilities that present themselves to you.

When something presents itself to you, it your responsibility (to yourself) to explore it. Possibilites or "doorways" will open themselves to you. You can poke your head in the door to explore it without fully committing or attaching to it. I call this "free flight." If you see it is what you want, you surrender to it. If not, you move onto the next doorway that opens.

What possibilities are you presenting to yourself today? What doorways are opening? Are you allowing yourself to see them?

Spring Equinox: the time to create new beginnings

Saturday, March 20th is the Spring Equinox and the first day of spring. The Spring Equinox is celebrated by Native Americans and other earth-based spiritual traditions by doing ceremonies and rituals. The idea is to connect with what is naturally occurring with the earth and nature. You can then draw on that energy to create movement and change within yourself.

Spring Equinox is represented in the east in the Native American Medicine Wheel in the tradition that I was taught. It is the time of birth and new beginnings. Plants are sprouting and animals are giving birth. It is the perfect time to plant seeds for the coming year.

We can plant seed for our lives as well. This is accomplished by becoming clear in your intent of what you want to create for yourself this coming year. Expressing your intent through prayer, thought, journaling, or meditation plants the seeds for your new life to grow.

This happens energetically at the spiritual level in that the power of your intent or thought focus will actually create and open the doorway for the thing that you want for yourself. This is some of what The Secret and the Law of Attraction talk about. The Secret talks about the law of attraction having three steps to attract what you want to yourself: asking, believing, and receiving. Spring is the perfect time for asking and believing.

At the physical level, focusing on your intent and what you want helps you do what is needed to create it and then to recognize it when it presents itself to you.

Spring is in the air. Make sure you take the time to clarify and express your intention for the coming year. The energy to do so is all around you.

Flexibility and Strength: the Teaching of the Sacred Red Willow

The red willow tree is sacred to many of the Native Americans of the plains. They build their sweat-lodges out of it. It is flexible and strong. Its bark is a medicine to heal and anesthetize. They use it in their tobacco mixture for the sacred pipe.

The teaching of the sacred red willow is powerful. It grows near water. Water is a universal symbol for emotion. So the red willow draws on pure emotion. This is what allows it to be flexible and strong. Things that do not draw on emotion become brittle and break when life requires it to bend or adapt. They are rigid. Things that are not flexible and adaptable are not truly strong.

If we are able to draw on our pure emotion (and not our reaction to the emotion), we can stay flexible. We can bend and stay strong under great adversity and pressure. We trust our feelings and instincts and know what to do (See blog: Feelings are a stimulus for movement).

We can handle anything that life throws at us.

Finding compassion for yourself

Our deepest issues are with ourselves. All anger, resentment, regret, and betrayal are ultimately self-directed- if we are willing to take them deep enough (see blog: Anger is always self-directed). Once we see and accept that it is us that let us down, true healing can begin.

This healing is accomplished by finding compassion for yourself. You have to go back when you let yourself, your children, or the people you care about down. You need to understand why you made that choice. Regardless of the outcome, what was your intent? Were you trying to save your marriage or protect your family the best way you knew how? Did you not want to hurt someone's feelings? Were you not able to see other possibilities?

You did not have the awareness and understanding of the effect those choices would have at the time. If you did, you would likely have made different choices. Hind-sight is 20/20. It is brutal to yourself to judge what you did in the past based on the awareness that you have now. Give it a rest.

So... find some compassion for that person that you were at the time. You were just trying to make it through life the best you could. You acted based on the information you had, and the possibilities you were able to see at the time. As misguided as it may now seem, you likely did the best you were able to do at the time.

The resolution (and healing) is to forgive yourself for what you did and... to promise yourself to never to that to yourself again.

...if we do not immediately react and let things play themselves out

I did an experiment this week. I chose not to immediately react to things things that tend to get me angry or hurt. Instead I waited to see how they played themselves out.

The first incident happened on Saturday- someone did not return my phone call. Several days went by. I felt vulnerable. I was tempted to dwell on feeling hurt and sorry for myself- but did not indulge these feelings. On Sunday my upcoming class series on making change starting this week did not get announced at the church service. It was a set-back. I figured not enough people would come to my class. On Wednesday a crisis happened with one of my clients and my coworkers did not inform or involve me. I was tempted to personalize it.

The outcomes were interesting. Four days later the person that did not return my call called and apologized saying that her phone broke and she lost all of in-coming call numbers. She was happy to find my number and was psyched to get together.

People did show up for my class. They heard about it in the March newsletter. I called the coordinator at the church about doing a new class on dreams and symbols. She apologized about not promoting my class better explaining that they had staff turnover challenges. And... in addition to the new class description, she is going to put a paragraph about my upcoming Metamorphosis retreat (that is not even at the church) in the April newsletter to help me out. Their mailing list is large and it may be the break I need to make more people aware of the retreat.

The crisis at work was not even with my client, but a client that had a similar name. They did not call me because nothing happened with my client.

I wonder what percentage of the things we get upset about turn out to not be so upsetting- if we would not immediately react and let things play themselves out? I wonder how much less emotional energy we would expend?

Anger is always self-directed

Whenever we are angry, we are ultimately mad at ourselves. It could be for putting ourselves in a situation. For allowing someone to treat us poorly. For investing in someone that does not care about him or herself. For getting talked out of listening to ourselves. For doing things when we know better. For drawing ourselves back into an old behavioral pattern with someone or something.

But it is easier to project our anger onto someone or something else. We know how someone is, yet we choose to interact with them anyway. We allow them to treat us poorly. We get angry at them for the way they treat us.

But aren't we angry with ourselves for allowing them treat us poorly? Aren't we really angry at ourselves for interacting with a selfish or abusive person? Are we angry at ourselves for putting ourselves in another no-win situation?

We betrayed ourselves. Our issue is with ourself. The only way to heal it is to forgive ourselves and promise ourself to never do that to ourselves again. And then to care about ourselves enough to follow through.

So next time you are angry at someone. Look at yourself. Did you let yourself down? Can you commit and determine to not do that to yourself again? Do you care about yourself enough?

Personality is a choice

Our personality has a lot to do with how we respond to things. It is often based on our behavioral patterns, belief systems, and identity- the things we think that we are.

Wouldn't it be cool if we could go beyond these illusory and reactionary things and find our true personality? Then our personality would be an expression of our heart and who we really are.

Our personality would then be about how our soul is expressing itself at any given moment. Our personality would likely be more fluid and dynamic. It would be a pure expression of how I honestly see things at any given moment. What we stand for would remain consistent- so people can count on us and trust us.

So then our personality would be a choice. If I am tired of being cynical or intellectual, I could change it. If I am tired of always being nice and not rocking the boat, I could change that too. These things are likely not who we really are anyway.

So what do you choose your personality to be? Does it serve you? Maybe it is time for a personality make-over.

You better believe it!

We only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are possible for ourselves. Otherwise, what we want could be right in front of us and we would not see it. Even if we saw it, we would discount it or push it away if we did not believe it is available to us.

Most people do not allow themselves to have what they want- because they do not believe that it is possible.

We have to somehow believe that what we want is possible. Once we believe what we want is possible, we will see it and allow ourselves to have it.

But the belief in possibility is the tough part.

It has to start with allowing yourself to have something you do believe is possible that is a step in the in the direction of what you want. Once you allow yourself to have that, you stretch your belief system to allow yourself another piece. You build confidence in yourself. Over time you come to believe that the thing you really want is possible. You prove it to yourself.

I was out on a date about a year ago and she said, "What I really want is to be a psychologist, but I could never do that." In retrospect I wish I would have said, "Well, what about being a psychologist can you see yourself doing?" Then she would have a place to start.

So what do you really want? What is something about it that you believe is possible? That is the perfect place to start.

Complete your experiences by doing "Closure"

In our busy lives, one experience tends to blend into another. Often we do not complete the previous experience before starting the next one. This keeps us from being present. The unfinished experiences start to build up. They keep us feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

One way to complete experiences (and not drag one into another) is called "Closure." Bart Anderson articulates the 6 steps of Closure as following:

1. Acceptance of the reality of the situation.

2. Reconciliation: Learning something.

3. Asking: What can I do about it?

4. Determination to have things differently.

5. Look at your possibilities.

6. Put your focus in front of you!

Closure can be done immediately following the experience, at the end of the work day, or before bed to complete the day. At the end of the day, it is useful to identify and do closure with all of the experiences that affected you significantly that day.

Within second step of closure lies the key to resolving any past experience- true reconciliation. You cannot undo an experience or "make it right". You can, however, learn from it- so that experience adds value to your life. This is called "blessing the lesson" (see previous blog).

Once completing these steps, you are free to be present for your next experience. You can sleep and dream peacefully. You can start a new day without dragging the unfinished business of the previous day into it.

And... don't forget to do closure at the end of your Friday- so you can have a good weekend.

Touched by "Avatar"? You too can be "Na'vi"

I finally saw Avatar. If you have not seen it, you have to go. It depicted the connection to the planet, animals, and the clan extremely well. These are some challenging concepts to convey.

The rite of passage ceremony was powerful when they all joined arms. That captures becoming one-of-the people better than anything I have seen.

I also loved the healing ceremony when the clan swayed back and forth. How awesome and selfless to have the whole clan focused on healing someone. Anyone up for some healing circles?

There are reports and numerous posts that people were depressed about not being able experience being part of "the Na'vi." (see link). On the site Avatar forums the topic, "Ways to cope with the depression the dream of Pandora as being intangible" accumulated over 1000 posts. I admit I was sad when I had to "leave Pandora" when the movie ended.

Although some see this as Utopian and even pathetic, I would argue that it has to shows that people are hungry for the elements depicted in Avatar that we have lost in our culture.

And perhaps the ideas are not intangible, but rather need to be adapted to our culture. Instead of being depressed or sad, maybe we should do something about creating some of those elements in our world. Avatar could inspire us to find our connection with the earth and each other. Then it doesn't have to be just a cool movie.

Nature and the Natural State of Being

The Native American Medicine Wheel could be called the "wheel of life." It shows the natural cycles of life. It uses the things in nature like the change in the seasons to teach how life works. The "East" on the Medicine Wheel represents springtime when there is birth, blooming, and new beginnings.

The I Ching, an ancient Chinese text, states, "Man (and Woman) is as at the height of wisdom when all that he (or she) does is as self-evident as what nature does."

Life has a way that it creates and unfolds things- a "natural state of being." If we step out of our contrived world and tune into the natural way that things work, we can access what we want. Our intention and actions would resonate with the natural state of being, and the things we want would naturally unfold.

It's not that life does not want us to have the things that we want. We have just been going about it in a way that has no place to plug in to the natural state of being. Our culture is no longer in tune with this natural state. In this sense, it is lost.

This is the value of using the Medicine Wheel, meditating, and connecting with nature. These things can teach us how the the natural state of being works, so we can align ourselves with it. We can then resonate with it and unfold the things that we want for ourselves. We can dance with all of creation.

It takes a while to get used to it. It will not feel like it is on our terms. This can be a bit frustrating at first, because we are used to wanting things on our terms.

So next time you want to create something, go observe nature. It can teach you how you can unfold it in conjunction with the natural state of being.

Maybe there is something else that you came here to do

We have come here for a reason. Maybe we chose to come here at this time to accomplish some specific things. Maybe have some unique gifts to offer the world at this time. Maybe offering those gifts will teach us things that we need to learn to grow and evolve.

Maybe you did not just come here to take up space. Maybe you did not come here to just take what the world offers you. Maybe there is something beyond finding a career, getting married, raising a family, traveling, and hanging out with your grandkids. Not that these things are not awesome things to experience... But maybe there is something else that you came here to do.

The Hindu and Buddhist traditions speak of your "dharma." It means different things in different traditions and contexts. One aspect of Dharma refers to what you came here to do. It suggests you came to this life to accomplish some things at this time.

Native Americans speak of your "medicine". This may be some gift of healing or leadership that gets unlocked during a vision or your life experiences. I like to think of it as the natural uplifting effect you have on others when your heart is open.

Finding your dharma or your medicine(s) and acting on it is spiritually fulfilling. It gives you a sense of purpose.

So look around. It is an important time to be alive. The world and the people and things in it are having some serious challenges right now. They desperately need you and what you have to offer. Your specific spiritual gifts, talents, experience, and wisdom are just perfect for something the world needs right now.

Are you going to do it? It won't be the same without you.

Feeling "Unlovable" on Valentine's Day weekend?- Don't believe it.

One of the most common and self-destructive self-beliefs is, "I am unlovable." We come by it honestly. When we were a child, if our own mother or father cannot love and accept us the way we are- we assume we are unlovable. Children, after all, are developmentally narcissistic; they make everything about them.

But the reality is, it had nothing to do with us. It had everything to do with the people that were not able to love us.

Anyway, if we carry this belief into adulthood (and most of us do), we keep recreating scenarios to reenforce that we are unlovable. We create self-fulfilling prophesies. We unconsciously love people that are unable to love us back. We push away people that are able to love us (see previous blog). We feel lonely on Valentine's Day.

Maybe it is time to scrap the "unlovable" belief system. If we become consciously aware of our patterns of loving people that are unavailable and/or pushing people that do love us away, we can make different choices.

By allowing people to love us, we disprove and eradicate the unlovable self-belief.

So this Valentine's Day, I invite you to look for signs that you are loved- rather than signs that you are not. I am willing to bet there are people all around you trying to love you. Can you see them?

Happy Valentine's Day.

An Addition to the Law of Attraction?

The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes describes a "law of attraction" that governs the way that we can attract the things we want to ourselves. Byrnes explains "negation" one element of this law, "The law of attraction doesn't compute 'don't' or 'not' or 'no' or any other words of negation." As you speak words of negation, such as I don't want a bad haircut, the law of attraction is receiving, "I want bad haircuts." She concludes, "The Law of attraction gives you what you a re thinking about- period."

Bart Anderson, teaching from a Native American perspective, explained, "Spirit only knows the collective and connection. It does not recognize "I consciousness" and separation." He continued, "If you want your prayer or intention to be answered, always pray in terms of "we." Include other people in your "stream of consciousness" or people working with the same awarenesses as you. He added, "Make sure that your intent is what is best for the whole. Then Spirit will answer your prayer."

So maybe it is time for an addition to the law of attraction. This additional law would state that the law of attraction only recognizes things that are based on the collective or "we consciousness." If I say I want this for the gratification of my ego, this additional law of attraction does not hear it. However, if you say I want this so it can benefit a number of people including myself, the added law of attraction receives that and provides what you are after.

Of course, that would require seeing ourselves as part of something greater than ourselves.

Breaking unwritten contracts when you make change in a relationship

All relationships are contractual. Often these contracts are unwritten and unsaid- yet they control most of the experiences of the relationship. We are typically not consciously aware of what we have agreed to with this person. During this winter time of introspection, we may become aware that a relationship that is not working for us. We seek to change the relationship.

When we change the way that we act in a relationship, we break the existing contracts that we had with this person. The person that has the contract broken on them usually feels betrayed, hurt, or angry. The person that breaks the contract often feels guilty. These dynamics tend to happen even if the contract that you are breaking is unhealthy for you and the other person. They were likely comfortable with the way that it was. The other person will often try to convince you to return to the way that it was. They may let you know how painful and inconvenient that this new way is for them.

If this is change you really want, it is essential to allow the other person to have his or her feelings, but not get seduced or talked into returning back into the way that it was. You will likely feel guilty. They will feel hurt. When I was part of a support group that was challenging contracts, we use to welcome the guilt as a sign that we were progressing in challenging our old contracts.

You replace the old contracts with new parameters on how you want the relationship to be. Parameters give you and the other person clear signals on where you are willing and not willing to go in the relationship. You then respond to the person based on your new parameters instead of the old contracts.

Over time as new grooves get established, the parameters become the new contracts. Only this time they are consciously chosen by you- so you can have the experience that you want to have with that person.

The perfect time of year to let the things that no longer serve you die

The Native American Medicine Wheel is a powerful way to tune into the cycles of the earth and life. My tradition teaches that this time of year late winter or the northeast and late winter- the death of the old. It is the perfect time to let things in your life that no longer serve you die. This makes room for things to be born in the spring.

The north or mid-winter of the Medicine Wheel is the time of introspection- a time to reevaluate what is important to you. The prime time for this was the Winter solstice in late December and early January. Once we identify what is important to us at this time in our life, it is natural to consider the things in our life that serve or do not serve what is important to us.

If it is important to us, do we care enough about our lives to get out of our comfort zones let go of some things? Do we care enough to risk hurting some people's feelings and break some contracts we have with people that are no longer serve anyone? Do we care enough to walk through our resistance and fear to mean business with our life? We are here for such a short time.

It is not that the things we are letting go are bad- it is that they no longer serve us and what is important to us now. At a previous time in our life these things may have served us well. We may have needed them to get where we are now.

So... what no longer serves you? If you can let some things die, it will make room in your heart for something new. Letting the old die before the new has taken form is the ultimate act of faith.

Feeling the loss of "What could have been"

Feeling disappointed? Did you see a possibility or potential to share something with someone that they were unwilling or unable to explore with you?

I encourage people to always be looking for the possibility of shared experiences. Can we explore this together? Unfortunately, sometimes people you want to share with are unable to get outside of themselves. They may not be emotionally available. They may not be able to see the same possibility that you do. You are left hanging.

At the core, this is an issue of loss. It is the loss of "what could have been." It is the loss of a hope or dream that you created with someone.

This is often the last piece of grieving a relationship. We have to let go of the dream that we created with that person. The dream will never again present itself in that same way or with that same person. It feels sad and hollow. It feels a little like dying- that is because a dream or possibility that you were able to see is dying.

The good news is that when you grieve "what could have been" at this level, you know you are at the bottom. You are almost over it. You just have to feel it as you let it go.

And... any moment now a beautiful new possibility will present itself to you.

"Encompassing" to Benefit Everyone Involved

Life happens fast. It is challenging to get out of yourself and become "part of" the experience that you are involved in. Most scramble to glean what they can for themselves.

"Encompassing" offers an alternative to this. It opens the door for "mutually beneficial" or win-win interactions. The first phase is asking yourself, "What am I a part of right now? What could benefit and uplift everyone involved?"

The second phase of encompassing is "allowing in" all of the information around you. I call this phase "broad-basing." This phase is often perceived as being overwhelming. We fear going into information overload.

Actually, broad basing makes the the third phase, decision making, easier. Some the challenges start working together to solve each other. Decisions are put in to perspective and the best course is more apparent.

The fourth phase is to trust yourself and take deliberate action.

You have to let go of how you would do it if you were alone. You have to let go of trying to control every aspect of the experience. Rather, you are orchestrating the forces that are around you. It is a highly effective leadership style.

For people who are up for it, the world desperately needs this type of leadership. The people involved experience that mutual beneficial interactions are possible. We as a people may start to believe in the possibility that business and interactions can be mutually beneficial. We could then once and for all evolve beyond predatory interactions and gaining at others expense.

How do you choose to express your joy?

My all time favorite quote is "The choice is: how we affect, how we reflect our Buddha nature" by Bart Anderson.

What if we did have did have a "Buddha nature" inside of us- a pure beauty, joy, and love that is pure possibility? Buddha nature (or Christ consciousness, life force, chi, passion, prana) is pure spiritual energy that is available to be "reflected" any way we choose. When we are angry that is how we are reflecting our Buddha nature.

Or if you like... What if the only true emotion is joy? And, all the other feelings and emotional states are derivations of joy. If we are feeling sorry for ourselves, that is how we are expressing our joy.

So, how do you choose to express your joy? How do you choose to reflect your Buddha nature?It may be the most important choice you have. It may be the only choice you have.

The choice you make in expressing your Buddha nature in any given moment is your "offering" to those around you and the world. It is your prayer. It is how you "make a difference." It is whether you contribute to peace or violence. It is whether you uplift or drag down. It is whether you create or destroy.

The choice you make in expressing your joy is "how you affect." It is also the experience that you choose to have. And... it makes all the difference in the world.

Make Time for Date Nights

I just heard about Barack and Michelle Obama having date nights. I thought it was cool. Apparently, some people took issue with it. I thought they were being excellent role models.

The importance of date nights in a marriage or relationship is huge. I recommend at least one a week. If you do not reinforce the primary relationship, there is no foundation to build the rest of the family on. Sadly, this is the the thing that often gets left out. We are too busy. We are too tired. We can't find a baby-sitter. We can't afford it.

With the stress and busy-ness of raising a family, it is easy to grow apart. All relationships need reinforcement. Relationships require shared experiences to keep them strong. It is essential for some of those experiences to be fun and romantic. This reinforces the romantic aspect of the relationship. Otherwise your relationship becomes all work and no play and too business-like. You start feeling like roommates or co-parents. Besides that, it is no fun.

So... it's Friday. It's still not too late to find a baby-sitter and find something to do. Consider it an investment in your marriage or relationship. If the leader of the free world makes time for it, what's your excuse?

Building Momentum for Your New Life...

Changing takes energy. We have to work through our resistance. We have to venture out of our comfort zone. We make mistakes, because we really have not learned how this new thing works yet. We have setbacks- even when we do everything right. It is easy to get discouraged. Self-doubt sets in, "Who was I kidding thinking that I could do this."

One essential element of creating something new is building momentum. Making change requires that we keep our energy moving forward. We are building confidence. We are changing our beliefs about ourselves and the world. One of the most challenging things is to believe in possibility- to believe that what we want is attainable.

The best way to build momentum is by creating and acknowledging success. (This is also the best way to build self-esteem). In a sense, we are proving to ourselves that we are another step closer to our goal. We are proving that we can do it. We are acknowledging that it is happening. We are stating to believe in possibility.

Energy builds on itself. It moves with momentum. Once we have momentum moving forward, things start opening up for us. Creating the things that we want starts to get easier. Our motivation builds. Set backs are not as devastating- we just shift our momentum in a slightly different direction. Do not let your momentum dwindle and dissipate. Keep it building. Keep it moving forward.

The toughest part is getting started. It takes some energy to to overcome our inertia and to get the ball moving. Every day ask yourself, "What is one thing that I can do today to get closer to my goal." At the end of your day acknowledge your progress. The snowball is starting to build. It is stating to move forward. Lookout world, my new life is coming through.

Pure Emotion is a Stimulus for Movement

Is it emotion or emotional? Emotion is the pure feeling, and emotional is the reaction to the feeling. Sadness is the the pure emotion. Moodiness, depression, self-pity are reactions to the sadness. We often indulge in the emotional or reaction to in order to avoid the pure feeling.

It is important to be able to discern between pure emotion and the reaction to that feeling. Knowing the pure feeling is the most important information you can have about how to act in an experience or situation.

Pure emotion is a stimulus for movement. It is a call to action. Everything I say and do (all movement) ought to come from my feelings. This is what our instincts are. Intention is an expression of my feelings. What I stand for comes from my feelings. Acting from our feelings is honest. Acting from feeling is innocent and pure. Acting from feeling is acting with passion.

Feelings are either a stimulus toward or away from. Attraction or repulsion. Joy is a call for unfoldment- a call for movement toward. Being attracted to, in awe of, curious about, or drawn to are stimuli for movement toward. Pure anger or rejection is a stimulus to move away from. Sadness or loss is moving way from. Feeling something is not right is a call to move away from.

We have to learn to trust our feelings and instincts. We are lost without them. Due to fear and the inability to trust our feelings, we check or filter our feelings though our intellect to feel safe- so we don't hurt people or ourselves or make mistakes. Then our action becomes contrived. It is not honest. We discount our feelings- our most important indicator for action.

So what's in your heart? I hope that is the direction that you are moving.

Blessing the Lesson

We just experienced a painful lesson. We realize we did some damage. We hurt someone's feelings. We pushed someone away. We missed an awesome opportunity. We neglected someone or something that is precious to us. We cost ourselves or someone else a lot of money.

We are now beating ourselves up. "How could I be so careless? What was I thinking?"

Rarely do we see this as the opportunity that it is- to learn something. If we made this mistake, there is a good chance that we have made it before. It might even be a behavioral pattern that we keep doing over and over again. If we learn this lesson now, we never have to experience this pain again. We could actually welcome the opportunity to learn from this experience. I call this, "blessing the lesson."

If we had learned the lesson before, we would not have needed to experience it again. Unfortunately, it often takes some pain or damage to get our attention. And... how long do we have to punish ourselves before we are willing to let it go? Just make sure we learn something before we do- no need to do this one again. Why not have some compassion for ourselves? What brought us to making such a mistake? Anyway, what are our choices? We can continue to beat ourselves up or we can try to glean value from it.

"Blessing the lesson" is promising yourself to never make that same mistake again. That ought to be a good enough reason to forgive yourself. Don't cha think?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here...

Our culture and world are overwhelming. Life comes at you come at us fast. We have little time to manage the massive amount of information that comes at us. We are impacted emotionally at a fast rate. The workplace is piling more and more stuff on us to do. We go on overload and then shut down. Our emotional self says, "Wrong, I am shutting this one down." Soon, we stop feeling the awe and joy of life as well

This is similar to PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). It occurs when we experience something beyond what we are able to process emotionally. We suppress, numb, or forget the experience to protect ourselves. These things we suppress do not just go away- they get stored in our psyche. Later, when we feel safe, memories and dreams start coming back to us. That intense dream or horrific nightmare might be us trying to remember and feel something, so we can let it go. It is not coming back to haunt us, it is coming back so we can heal.

We get overwhelmed spiritually as well- by the vastness and unlimited possibilities of life. We don't have the tools to manage the expansiveness, so we create a veil between ourselves and creation to feel safe and in control. We create our own reality or world. We often do this at a relatively young age and then we forget that we did it. We start believing that our contrived reality is the way things are. We assume that other people are living in that reality too, but they created their own version. We miss a lot of life this way.

So what to do? To be open emotionally or grow spiritually, we must learn to manage overwhelm. The first step is containment. It is essential to limit our experiences and simplify our life to where we can feel it, again. This involves accepting that "all things affect" and becoming more selective with the things that we expose ourselves to (see previous blog). Just because we are not being affected intellectually, does not mean we are not being affected emotionally. Some things like work, ex-husbands/wives, etc., we may not be able to avoid- at least right away. But many of the things that overwhelm us stem from our choice to hang out in stressful environments. We could just as easy say "This is not a good place for me," and leave.

Forthcoming will be more tools to manage overwhelm. I believe it is one of the most essential and challenging things to staying emotionally and spiritually healthy in our world today.