Exposure and discovery: The key to intimacy

Intimacy is about exposure. It is allowing someone to see who you really are.

In one form or another, our self-beliefs and self-concepts tell us that there is something wrong with us. That if we allow someone to see who we are inside, they will reject us and leave us. So we present ourselves in a way that spins who we are to make us more socially acceptable. We wear a mask.

The downside of hiding or cloaking yourself is that no one really gets to know who you are really are. You are are all alone with how you feel inside. This is the one of the reasons that loneliness is so rampant in our culture.

So if you want to be close with someone you have to be willing to risk. You EXPOSE who you really are to them. One piece at time. You have to trust that they are strong enough to accept and support who we are. And trust that you are strong enough to heal yourself and reconfigure your life if they are not able to. You will feel a bit vulnerable after you expose something real about yourself. Although uncomfortable- that is a sign that you are on the right track.

And... you have to be willing to DISCOVER who they really are. You invite them to expose who they are. When they start sharing something about themselves, you listen and encourage them to continue. Your only intention is discovering and accepting who they are. Ask inquisitive questions. Do not judge or try to solve anything for them. They will be watching closely to see if you are able to accept them.

So if you want to feel close to someone, risk exposing who you are and discovering who they are. Life is much more enjoyable when you have someone to share yourself with.

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?

It can be as simple as wine, candlelight, and a private gift exchange late Christmas Eve- after the kids are in bed. It could be sharing latkes or other traditional Hanukkah dish together. It could be a holiday show or posh New Years Eve party. But doing something is essential. This romantic celebration is along the lines of date nights and nurturing and maintaining your relationship all year long. But whether you admit it or not- the holidays are likely important to you and to your mate. He or she may say it's not a big deal- don't believe them. They are a time when you feel loved and fulfilled- or lonely and hollow. It doesn't always hit you (or them) right away, but it usually does catch up with everyone.

If you are single, that holiday loneliness may be an impetus to get back in the saddle or to be open to a relationship that might be presenting itself to us. Perhaps the plan to put that off until the kids are raised or whatever else is not cutting it. It is a good time of year for New Year's resolutions and new beginnings.

If you are not happy in our current relationship, that lonely and unfulfilled holiday feeling may a call to action to either get the relationship working or to move on. If your relationship has lost some of it's fire, it may be a signal to fan the flames.

And... if we are happily married or in a great relationship, the holidays are a time to celebrate it. So simple and so important.