Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Expand you social horizons with "social arenas"

During this ideal time for introspection that corresponds with winter and New Years, some of us may decide that we need to expand our social horizons. We may be single and feeling a little lonely and isolated. We may be in relationships and/or friendships that are no longer meeting our emotional needs. We may be raising children and/or working a lot and not getting out very often. The holiday blues may be a reminder that we have not been attending to our emotional needs effectively.

So what to do? Get out and interact with people that have the qualities you are looking for. They may be people you know or people that you have not met.

One of the most effective ways to do this is through creating what I call "social arenas." A social arena is a place where the type of people that you are looking to relate to hang out. I suggest a 3-step process to create social arenas: 1. Identify what elements you are looking for in people you want to relate to- (i.e. honesty, not self-centered, etc.). 2. Identify social arenas where people with those qualities hang out; 3. Attend these social arenas on a regular basis.

By attending the same arena regularly, you will get familiar with these people. And even more importantly- they will get familiar with you. Conversations start to develop naturally. You start to get invited to things. You start to become a part of the little community. You have opportunities for new relationships. Examples of social arenas include: coffee shops, restaurants, wine bars, churches, meetup groups, gyms, yoga classes, bookstores, hockey games, Tai Chi class, dance class, art class, First Friday Art Walk, art galleries, rodeos, museums, the symphony, jazz bars, college or continuing education class, walking your dog at a park, and the list goes on...

So in 2010, open yourself to interacting with some quality, compatible people. They are out there... just hoping to meet someone like you.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Help bring back New Year's Resolutions

No one likes New Year's resolutions anymore. They may be getting close to extinction. This year, I've already heard several people say, "I don't like resolutions. I never follow through with them anyway." Maybe the problem is not with the resolution- but the follow through. I like New Year's resolutions. It is right after the new light of the summer solstice. It is the perfect time to reinvent your life. It is the ideal time to make change.

So this year my thought is we could bring back New Year's resolutions. Of course the best way to bring them back is to make them and follow through with them. Then we can use all this social networking stuff to make resolutions so we can create motivation and momentum for each other. So I invite you to list your resolution after this post on Facebook, Twitter, or Blogger. Hopefully, together we can start a nice list.

I will start. I have three resolutions this year: 1. Aerobic exercise three times a week; 2. Meditate every morning (I am hitting about 4 times a week now); and 3. Do what I call "closure" every evening. Closure is asking yourself a series of 6 questions for each significant, impactful experience of the day- usually about 2 to 4.

Then our first goal is to make it through January. They say if you can do something for a month that you will create a new pattern for yourself. Once you get into February it is part of your routine.

So Happy New Year. That is, make a New Year's resolution and make it a HAPPY and NEW year for yourself.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Is there something you are trying to say to me?

Ever have someone try to communicate with you indirectly? They might hint at something, rather than directly asking you. They might say one thing, but really mean something else. They might even say something to their pet that is really intended for you. Is it just me, or is this maddening? It always seems a bit childish to me.

So... next time someone tries to communicate with you indirectly, consider asking them, "Is there something that you trying to say to me?" Granted, it is a little confrontational, but it is also an invitation to be honest. It is reaching out to hear them and to know them.

If you are like me, maybe you occasionally communicate indirectly yourself. If so, this blog is for that part of you, too. Ask yourself, "What am I really trying to say to them. How can I say it honestly and directly?"

Fact is, most of us often do not feel safe enough to communicate honestly. We do not feel safe to expose what we really want. We may be afraid that there is something wrong with wanting that. We might hurt their feelings. They may get mad at us. It might cause tension. It might cause them to retreat and become more distant. It opens us up to rejection or retaliation.

For me, it gets down to trusting that this relationship is strong enough to be honest. If it is not, then it may need some shaking up anyway. So the core is caring enough to get out of my comfort zone. It is willingness to risk. That is... being willing to risk what I have for something better.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Winter Solstice- a time for introspection

Today is the winter solstice and shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Due to the tilt in earth's axis, the sun is shining directly over the Tropic of Capricorn- its southern most point. Now the sun's migration changes direction and begins to move north again. Our days will start to get longer tomorrow.

In pagan and earth-based cultures, the Winter Solstice is a celebration of the feminine and the goddess. They celebrate this time of maximum darkness to awaken and acknowledge the unbridled power of the dark element in nature and themselves. The dark element represents the feminine, primal, yin, internal, rest, night, cool, dream, and receptive.

The Winter Solstice is when the dark element's dominance over the light element hits is peak and begins to wane. It surrenders to the light element. The I Ching, Hexagram 24- "Return/ The Turning Point (Wilhelm-Baynes translation) describes this, "The time of darkness is past. The winter solstice brings the victory of light." And later in the hexagram, "Therefore seven is the number of young light, and it arises when the number of six, the number of the great darkness, is increased by one. In this way the state of rest gives place to movement."

In one tradition of the Native American medicine wheel, Winter solstice represents the place of the north. It is a time of introspection for us to go inside and evaluate our life over the last year. It is our year's existential crisis where we soul-search what is truly important to us. We can then assess whether we have been living our life consistent with what is important to us. If not, it indicates that a change is necessary for the new year.

So what is most important to you? Is the way you are living your life in harmony with that? If not, it may be time for an adjustment or change for the new cycle. It is, after all, the perfect time of year to reinvent your life.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?

It can be as simple as wine, candlelight, and a private gift exchange late Christmas Eve- after the kids are in bed. It could be sharing latkes or other traditional Hanukkah dish together. It could be a holiday show or posh New Years Eve party. But doing something is essential. This romantic celebration is along the lines of date nights and nurturing and maintaining your relationship all year long. But whether you admit it or not- the holidays are likely important to you and to your mate. He or she may say it's not a big deal- don't believe them. They are a time when you feel loved and fulfilled- or lonely and hollow. It doesn't always hit you (or them) right away, but it usually does catch up with everyone.

If you are single, that holiday loneliness may be an impetus to get back in the saddle or to be open to a relationship that might be presenting itself to us. Perhaps the plan to put that off until the kids are raised or whatever else is not cutting it. It is a good time of year for New Year's resolutions and new beginnings.

If you are not happy in our current relationship, that lonely and unfulfilled holiday feeling may a call to action to either get the relationship working or to move on. If your relationship has lost some of it's fire, it may be a signal to fan the flames.

And... if we are happily married or in a great relationship, the holidays are a time to celebrate it. So simple and so important.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Point your boat in the right direction and let go

Choosing and understanding the nature of you forthcoming interactions is essential. I have written several blogs on skills like "setting parameters" and "keeping yourself intact" to put yourself in a position to have clear and fulfilling interactions. But... once you have set up your interaction properly, it is vitally important to let go and surrender to the experience. I picture this as pushing your boat in the right direction before you let go and experience where the river takes you.

Most people are good at one or the other. Some of us are good at planning our interactions. These "planners" set up everything just right, but often do not get out of their head so they can let go (of control) and surrender to the experience. Life is not very fulfilling or fun for planners.

Others of us are good at letting go and flowing with experiences, but do so without much forethought. These "free spirits" often surrender to experiences that are not conducive to what they are after and impulsively act without considering the effects of their actions. Free spirits often do not create the life they really want.

Why not do both? We could point our boat in the right direction and then let go. We could briefly consider if the experience in front of us is good place for us to be, what our parameters and intentions are, and what the possibilities and likely effects are. Then we could make our choice and surrender to the experience. We trust ourselves and our "survivability" enough to let go and surrender to the unknown. We might even lose ourselves in the experience (that could be fun). If the experience starts to go south, we could step back, repoint our boat, and then jump back into the experience again- or leave. We have the rest of our lives to analyze it, but just that moment to experience it.

So how does that float your boat?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Challenging the Parameters of our Existence

Once upon a time there was this dog. When she was just a pup, she was out in her back yard in the suburbs. A squirrel came running by, and she chased it. Just when she was about to catch the squirrel, she got pulled backwards by the neck. She discovered she was on a chain. After a few more "lessons," she learned she had about a 20 foot radius. After that, when chasing a squirrel, she started to to slow down when she got near the perimeter so as to not clothesline herself again. She accepted that she was destined to live inside of her circle. She never challenged it again.

As time passed she grew into an adult dog. What she didn't know was that the chain's corkscrew mount into the ground was not very strong. It held her as a puppy, but now that she was 75 pounds and a strong adult dog, she could easily break free if she risked running hard at the perimeter. But she never even considered doing that. It was not part of her reality.

Confronting the edge of one's reality was clearly depicted in at the end of The Truman Show- another awesome movie by Peter Weir (see clip).

Are there things in our life we could easily free ourselves from, but do not challenge due to experiences from the past? The I Ching (Wilhelm/Baynes translation) describes this as, "A man (or woman) is oppressed by bonds that can be easily broken."

So maybe its time to make a run at our flimsy constraint. We could break through our contrived movie set. We could challenge the parameters of our existence. Who knows, there may be a whole new world waiting for us on the other side.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Where have all the Barn Raisings gone?

Ever see one of the those old movies or westerns that show the small town coming together for a barn raising? The bad guys or some tragedy burned the person's house or barn down. The whole community then comes together and builds a new house or barn for them. The 1985 movie "Witness" by Peter Weir (see clip) showed an awesome barn raising in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. There is cooperation, community, and selflessness. I always thought it was the coolest thing.

Ever wonder why this sort of thing doesn't happen much anymore? I do. In earlier times, or even today in small, isolated towns, people had/have to depend on each other in order to survive. They did not have the luxury of living in social isolation and fenced-in yards.

The closest thing that I see in contemporary America is helping someone move or a church helping paint an elderly person's house. I always make time to help someone move. People in those situations are usually needing help and feeling vulnerable. It is a great way to come together in a genuine shared experience. And, it let's people know that they are not alone. That if things really got bad, there would be someone there to help. It is one of the most powerful ways I know to make a difference.

And... as things with the economy and the planet get more challenging, we may be heading full circle to a time that we once again have to rely on each other to survive. The truth is when we, as a people, start becoming self-centered, self-indulgent, and isolated, it creates societal or economic problems that force us to come together again. It is nature's way of keeping us honest. It could be rather inconvenient. But maybe then, we might not feel so isolated, lonely, and at-risk. Maybe if we started now, things may not have to get as bad as they would otherwise. My friend has a truck...


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Responsibility- the key to freedom?

You create your life. Everything that you are experiencing in your life now was created by you. The undesirable things in your life are either an outcome of a choice that you made, or an experience or person that you chose to expose yourself to. It could be your choice of a job, career, boss, business, place you live, significant other, friend(s), place to hang out, or limitless other things. Of all the possible things on the planet, you chose to expose yourself to those experiences. And now, for better or for worse, you have what you have.

We often tend to view the undesirable things in our life as things that happened TO us. "There I was minding my own business and wham, my boss unloaded on me. What was I supposed to do?"

The cool thing about taking responsibility for everything in your life is that nine times out of ten, if you created it... you can change it. On the contrary, if it happened TO you- there is not much that you can do to change it. You are at the mercy of other people and outside forces. Taking responsibility for your life empowers you to change it and to create the life that you want- the ultimate freedom.

If you start making different choices today, you can expect your life to be significantly different in about six months. That seems to be about how long it takes for new things to manifest. The choice in front of you is whether or not you choose to take responsibility for the things in your life. That choice opens you up to all the other choices- or not.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Metaphor of the Rose: With Beauty comes Pain

One of my all-time favorite metaphors is that of the rose. It has beauty and delicateness, but also thorns. My interpretation is that with beauty comes pain. With the love and the unfoldment of beauty with another human comes inevitable pain. They are a package deal. We can't care that deeply with another and expect to not get hurt.

Most of us have been hurt or betrayed by loving someone. We seek the love and beauty that comes from exposing our hearts and becoming vulnerable, yet we are reluctant to do so because we got hurt bad when we did this before. We are afraid that we might not survive being hurt like that again. If we allow (or have allowed) ourselves to feel and heal the pain of being hurt before, it should help us believe that we could heal it again. We learn to "believe in our survivability." Then, it is just an issue of willingness to risk.

We tell ourselves a story that we can experience the beauty of love without really letting go. We figure we can have the beauty and unfoldment of the rose without the pain. We allow ourselves to experience some safe, guarded, and superficial love and tell ourselves it is the real deal. But then why are we still so lonely? Deep down we know that it is not the same.

The metaphor of the rose is here to remind us that if we want the true beauty and fulfillment of love, we have to accept that pain comes with it. Are we willing to risk being hurt again?

Friday, December 4, 2009

This Holidays, Start a New Family Tradition

We often rely on our family of origin for our family traditions. We have been doing them since we were little and they make the holidays feel special to us. This year, why not consider starting a new family tradition for your new or primary family? Traditions add strength and character to families. This family is different than the family that you grew up in- perhaps some new traditions that are tailored to it are in order.

Traditions can be traditional, planned, or spontaneous. They are always start with what is important to you. One of my personal traditions is to have a romantic evening and gift exchange with my girlfriend/wife on Christmas Eve. That is our time. Kids, presents, extended family can come on Christmas day. So think about what is really important to you during the holidays and plan a tradition around it. Make it special. Make it meaningful.

As well, this holiday season look for spontaneous or accidental traditions that may be presenting themselves to you. Maybe you are out of town or busy and cannot get the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. Decorating the tree on Christmas Eve turns out to be turns out to be a huge hit with the kids and everyone involved. Now you have a family tradition. Or... maybe you get invited to go caroling at the last moment and it turns out to be perfect. What is important is considering what elements you are looking for in a tradition- so you recognize it when it appears.

Even better if it is different than either of your and your significant other's traditions. It gives yourselves, your children, and your parents a signal that this is your family. It is unique and special unto itself. It is not to be measured by any other standards. Your family has its own character and personality. And... it deserves to be celebrated.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Emotional consideration: How is that going to affect me emotionally?

All things affect. We choose what experiences to expose ourselves to. We often make these decisions intellectually. They seem fine on paper. But we often fail to consider how that experience will affect us and others emotionally.

For example, being single and hanging out with someone that you would like to be with and their significant other. On paper, what' s the big deal? You are hanging out with friends. Emotionally, every time he touches her and picks her over you it breaks your heart a little. Why would you do that to yourself?

Or, talking with your ex on the phone in front of your boyfriend or husband. Intellectually, no problem; we are all adults here. After all he said he did not have a problem with it. And besides it's Christmas. At the emotional level, he hears you laugh and sees you smile- and then worries that you still like your ex more and are not fully over him. He trusts you a little less. Meanwhile, your ex starts thinking there is still hope of getting back together. I hope that little "harmless call" was worth it.

The fact is we often underestimate the emotional impact that experiences will have. At the emotional level, we may not be as cool and secure as we think we are. We set ourselves and the people that we care about up for a lot of unnecessary grief. It affects our ability to trust ourselves and each other.

So, upon considering an experience, try getting out of your head and asking yourself, "How will it will affect you and the others involved emotionally?" Use this "emotional consideration" as a factor in making your decisions. Remember... emotions often do not make sense intellectually, but they are more directly correlated to our happiness than anything else.