Finding compassion for yourself

Our deepest issues are with ourselves. All anger, resentment, regret, and betrayal are ultimately self-directed- if we are willing to take them deep enough (see blog: Anger is always self-directed). Once we see and accept that it is us that let us down, true healing can begin.

This healing is accomplished by finding compassion for yourself. You have to go back when you let yourself, your children, or the people you care about down. You need to understand why you made that choice. Regardless of the outcome, what was your intent? Were you trying to save your marriage or protect your family the best way you knew how? Did you not want to hurt someone's feelings? Were you not able to see other possibilities?

You did not have the awareness and understanding of the effect those choices would have at the time. If you did, you would likely have made different choices. Hind-sight is 20/20. It is brutal to yourself to judge what you did in the past based on the awareness that you have now. Give it a rest.

So... find some compassion for that person that you were at the time. You were just trying to make it through life the best you could. You acted based on the information you had, and the possibilities you were able to see at the time. As misguided as it may now seem, you likely did the best you were able to do at the time.

The resolution (and healing) is to forgive yourself for what you did and... to promise yourself to never to that to yourself again.

...if we do not immediately react and let things play themselves out

I did an experiment this week. I chose not to immediately react to things things that tend to get me angry or hurt. Instead I waited to see how they played themselves out.

The first incident happened on Saturday- someone did not return my phone call. Several days went by. I felt vulnerable. I was tempted to dwell on feeling hurt and sorry for myself- but did not indulge these feelings. On Sunday my upcoming class series on making change starting this week did not get announced at the church service. It was a set-back. I figured not enough people would come to my class. On Wednesday a crisis happened with one of my clients and my coworkers did not inform or involve me. I was tempted to personalize it.

The outcomes were interesting. Four days later the person that did not return my call called and apologized saying that her phone broke and she lost all of in-coming call numbers. She was happy to find my number and was psyched to get together.

People did show up for my class. They heard about it in the March newsletter. I called the coordinator at the church about doing a new class on dreams and symbols. She apologized about not promoting my class better explaining that they had staff turnover challenges. And... in addition to the new class description, she is going to put a paragraph about my upcoming Metamorphosis retreat (that is not even at the church) in the April newsletter to help me out. Their mailing list is large and it may be the break I need to make more people aware of the retreat.

The crisis at work was not even with my client, but a client that had a similar name. They did not call me because nothing happened with my client.

I wonder what percentage of the things we get upset about turn out to not be so upsetting- if we would not immediately react and let things play themselves out? I wonder how much less emotional energy we would expend?

Anger is always self-directed

Whenever we are angry, we are ultimately mad at ourselves. It could be for putting ourselves in a situation. For allowing someone to treat us poorly. For investing in someone that does not care about him or herself. For getting talked out of listening to ourselves. For doing things when we know better. For drawing ourselves back into an old behavioral pattern with someone or something.

But it is easier to project our anger onto someone or something else. We know how someone is, yet we choose to interact with them anyway. We allow them to treat us poorly. We get angry at them for the way they treat us.

But aren't we angry with ourselves for allowing them treat us poorly? Aren't we really angry at ourselves for interacting with a selfish or abusive person? Are we angry at ourselves for putting ourselves in another no-win situation?

We betrayed ourselves. Our issue is with ourself. The only way to heal it is to forgive ourselves and promise ourself to never do that to ourselves again. And then to care about ourselves enough to follow through.

So next time you are angry at someone. Look at yourself. Did you let yourself down? Can you commit and determine to not do that to yourself again? Do you care about yourself enough?

True Strength is Always Born of Gentleness

True strength is created from trusting ourself. More specifically it is based on trusting our heart- our intuition and instincts. It is not trusting our intellect. Strength based on our intellect or rules is contrived and rigid. This will create anger or "willful intent" and likely cause damage.

In order to access our true strength is is necessary to allow energy in. (In contrast to this, when we are angry, we push our energy out). When you are in a situation, open yourself to what is going on. Allow the energy of the situation in so you can feel what is going on. This allows your intuition or knowing self to kick in. Then you trust your heart or intuition (or gut) to tell what you to do and take action- even if it does not make sense intellectually. Acting from from your heart is always strong and true.

The best indicator of true strength is that it is always born of gentleness. What we do may be be firm and really strong with people, but it is always based on gentleness and compassion. This is because it came from your heart. It is based on the energy of the situation and the empathetic response of our intuition. Carl Jung called this acting based on the "requiredness of the situation."

So if your strength or strong action is gentle and compassionate, it is true. If it is not gentle, it is something else- usually control or anger. It is like that Keb Mo song, "I don't know what it is, but that's not love." Or in this case... that's not strength.

Angry or hurt? Ask, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?"

One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a "we" and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.

Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this "necessary loss." It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).

Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?" This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.

So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.