Friday, October 30, 2009

Trusting People To Be Who They Are

We are determined to change people. We want people to be who we think they should be. We want people to be who we need them to be. It doesn't seem to matter to us if it is something that they want to be. It doesn't even seem to matter if it is something they are able to be. Yet when they turn out to not be who we needed them to be, we feel hurt and betrayed. We are disappointed over and over again.

What if we trusted people to be who they are? We if we discovered who they are? If we went beyond our preconceptions and who we needed them to be, and honestly looked at who they are? Then, we did not count on them changing. Rather we asked ourselves is this someone (the way they are) that I want to interact with. Then is this person (the way they are) someone I can count on? Is this someone (the way they are) that I want to spend time with my kids. They either are, or they're not.

We might even want to test them. We might share something personal about ourselves and watch what they do with it- in order to find out who they are.

Then, we trust them to be that way. We base our decisions on it.

There is so much freedom in trusting people to be who they are. We avoid so much pain, anger, and heartbreak. We don't have to control anyone anymore. We might have to work a little harder and wait a little longer to find someone who naturally is the way we want someone to be. We also might need to check to see if the way we want someone to be is even possible. But the freedom is well worth it.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Halloween... The Shadow Knows.

Carl Jung defined the "shadow" as the part of us that "represents unknown or little know attributes of the ego." He continues about the value of the shadow in Man and his Symbols, "But sometimes everything that is that is unknown to the ego is mixed up with the shadow, including the most valuable and highest forces." Later in the chapter he advises, "If the shadow figure contains valuable, vital forces, they ought to be assimilated into actual experience and not repressed. It is up to the ego to give up its pride and priggishness and to live out something that seems to be dark, but actually may not be"

I cannot think of a better time for what Jung called "the realization of the shadow" than on Halloween. This year why not dance out your shadow by picking a costume that embodies your alter-ego or part of yourself that you normally do not allow or expose? For the really courageous, act in the character of your shadow costume during a party.

So... if you cannot think of a good costume this Halloween, live a little and expand your repertoire. Let your shadow come out to play!

Monday, October 26, 2009

"But never give your love, my friend, Unto a foolish heart"

This Grateful Dead song, Foolish Heart, written by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia came into my head years after I had last heard it to help me understand a vital lesson.

In 2003, I had been sharing tender, vulnerable things about to myself to critical people. Bart Anderson, the spiritual teacher that I was working with shocked me one day. He said, "They don't deserve your heart." This seemed to go against everything that I had learned from him. He continued (and I paraphrase), "Well, look at it. You and the people you are sharing with are coming from two totally different places. You are opening your heart and being vulnerable, and they are criticizing you and using it against you. Why would you do that?" I didn't have a good answer. But I did stop doing it. He called it "discernment."

Years later I recognized a similar pattern sharing vulnerable things with careless people. And, investing lots of energy in them. It was not working out well. I was getting hurt. This is when I remembered the Foolish Heart song. I stopped doing that, too.

I still allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am much more selective with whom I share sensitive things with these days. But every now and then, I forget and pay the price. That's about when I hear Jerry Garcia's voice singing, "...Unto a foolish heart."

Friday, October 23, 2009

Defining your Relationships and Setting Parameters.

Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if... we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set "parameters" (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.

Effective parameters can be subtle, but they are always clear. For example, when a coworker flirts with you, think about whether you want flirting to be part of that relationship (definition). Then, give them clear signals (parameters) telling them whether or not you want flirting to be part of that relationship. Or... when a friend is not spending as much time with you as you would like (definition), let them know that you miss them and would like to see them sometime soon (parameter). If they are not available on an ongoing basis, you can redefine that relationship to more of an "acquaintance", and seek a new friend to meet your friendship needs.

By setting parameters, both people than know where they stand with each other. This leads to trusting the relationship and trusting each other. It allows us to get what we want most from the relationship. Defining our relationships and setting parameters to maintain them lays a foundation for them to go deeper and to be more fulfilling.

Defining relationships and setting parameters requires a lot of work. Definition requires thought and difficult decisions. Setting parameters requires courage and strength to address awkward and difficult situations. And... we have to pay attention. But sooner or later, we have to ask ourselves, "Just how important are our relationships to us?"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What are your dreams trying to tell you?

I see dreams as a way our inner consciousness (aka. unconscious, soul, higher self, etc.), or the part of us that knows what is best for us, tries to communicate with our conscious mind. It communicates with symbols. There is new interest in symbols due to Dan Brown's recent book The Lost Symbol. I believe our ego defends our conscious mind against any communication that threatens it maintaining control and the status quo. But our ego renders our whacky dream content harmless and lets it pass through. So if we decode the symbolism or "interpret" the dream, we can understand what are inner consciousness is trying to say to our conscious mind. I call it "communication with self" and consider it the most pure guidance that we can receive.

I find Carl Jung the most helpful reference to understanding symbols am dreams and recommend his book Man and his Symbols. (Make sure you get the hardback edition with the cool pictures.) I do not recommend getting a dream dictionary that lists all of the symbols' meaning. Better to to a feel for the symbols' meaning by reading some Jung or Joseph Campbell (The Power of Myth is excellent). Or better yet... sit in a dream group with someone that understands symbols and dream interpretation.

So next time you have a really strange dream, ask yourself, "What is it trying to tell me?"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Angry? Send'em a Prayer

Next time you are mad at someone, send them a prayer. It doesn't have to be Christian. It doesn't even have to be a prayer. Send them a blessing, some love, or positive thoughts. The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv talks about the power of our thoughts. Point is- they probably could use all the help they can get. They are probably experiencing pain, stress, and difficulty. Them pushing you away, being short with you, judging you, or being irresponsible likely has nothing to do with you. They are probably projecting their misery onto you.

So next time you want to throttle them, send them a prayer. Send them some love- or better yet love them. Not only will it help them, but it will free you. Free yourself of the resentment that you carry (that hurts you more than it hurts them). Free both of you from your attachment of them being something that you need them to be.

Free yourself to experience some other things.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Stop Pushing People Away!

"You only allow as much love as you feel like you deserve." This is a quote by Bart Anderson, a spiritual teacher that I studied with for many years. So what happens to the love that we that we do not allow? We push it away. In other words, we push people away when they are trying to love us. When someone is getting closer than we are comfortable with, we push them away. We all do it.

So... all we have to do to experience more love in our life is to stop pushing people away when they are trying to love us. Sounds simple enough. And it is simple, but it is not easy.

First we have to identify how we push people away, then see ourselves about to do it, and then stop ourselves from pushing them away. So what are some of the ways we push people way? With judgement, arrogance, pride, sarcasm, mockery, cleverness, and criticism. Yuk! This isn't so fun anymore.

So the next time you are about to chime in with a snide comment, ask yourself, "Am I trying to push them away?" And if the answer is yes, just keep it to yourself and allow the person to love you. Stop pushing them away. It will likely be a little uncomfortable. Your self-worth will have to expand. But why not give it a shot. You do deserve it. And besides you owe it to yourself and the people that are desperately trying to get close to you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Moment of Opportunity for Change in a Relationship

Relationships (like people) have behavioral patterns that create separation and undesired outcomes. Making change in a relationship requires acting in the moment when the pattern that you want to change repeats itself. I call this the moment of opportunity.

For example: Say a husband and wife have a behavioral pattern of the husband turning the TV on when his wife was planning to talk about her day. She tells him about something and he half listens while he watches the football game. The wife gets her feelings hurt- feeling unheard, unimportant, and unloved. She stops competing with the TV and sadly retreats to the kitchen. She stews it for a couple of days and then tells her husband that she wants to "talk about the relationship." He thinks "Oh Man" and dutifully listens to her. She tells him that she just does not feel important to him anymore, but does not tell him why. He says, "Oh honey, you are the world to me," and she thinks that this has resolved the problem. All is well- until the next night he comes home, watches TV, and she gets hurt again. Even if she refers to the pattern more specifically during the talk, eventually, one of them will have to do something different when the pattern repeats itself.

In fact, the only way that this pattern can change is for one of them to do something different while it is actually happening- during the moment of opportunity. What if... the next time it repeats itself (and it will), the wife recognizes the moment of opportunity and stands in front of the TV set and says, "It is really important to me to tell you about my day. Is there a time that we could do that?" This may or may not be a good idea, but the point is that she is acting differently in the moment of opportunity, and therefore has created a chance for a different outcome. And he has an immediate reference to what she is talking about.

So... look for the those moments of opportunity to address things as they happen. It may be a little scary at first, but you will find that the results that you get make it well worth it.

PS: Using moments of opportunity are even more essential with children. Otherwise, they just hear your request as "blah, blah, blah."


Monday, October 12, 2009

Time for Couples Retreat?


I saw the movie Couples Retreat www.couplesretreatmovie.com over the weekend. Although I found the movie to be a bit silly (and funny), it illustrated the value of a retreat. All four couples disengage from the kids, work, routines, and patterns in their lives and and are left with each other to deal with. With some encouragement and guidance in the form of therapy sessions and an adventure, all four couples were able to reconnect with each other in a significant way. Was it oversimplified and Hollywood unrealistic? Yes, but you would be surprised at the break-throughs and healing I've seen happen with some guidance and time away from the duties and distractions of modern life.

I recommend the movie if you like comedies with a cool message, and I definitely recommend a doing a couples retreat. If you or someone you know is interested in a couples retreat, send me an email at info@michaelhoffman.info. I can help you find one or set one up in your area... or Cabo for the matter. It is getting a bit cold after all.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Responding to People based on Intent, not Outcomes

When I moved to my current residence, I made a phone call to receive garbage service. The nice person gave me all the information about the various services that they offered. I had just missed the service this week and there had been miscommunication about pick-up the week before. It was 100 degrees outside and I had two weeks of garbage that was going be three. So I explained my situation and asked if their was something that she could do. She went to great lengths to organize a special pick up at no extra cost. Apparently, the guys on the truck did not think I was so special, and they did not pick it up- despite her telling them to. It sat out in the sun all day and when got home I found lots of nasty garbage spread all over the driveway by the neighbor's dog.

It was my first day of my new job and when I saw the garbage I was furious. I angrily went to call and confront the lady that I had talked to. But then something inside of me said, "stop." And I thought, this lady went the extra mile for me and truly tried to solve my problem. Her intent was to help me. It seemed that she did not deserve a bunch of my anger and frustration because life happened. So I took a deep breath, got her on the phone, and thanked her for working so hard to solve my problem. The trash got taken away on the normal day which is likely what I should have done to start with.

Later I got to thinking, from now on I am going to respond to people based on their intent- rather than the outcome of what ends up happening. If someone tries their best to help me, that counts for a lot with me. So that is my new policy. What's yours?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

From "I" to "We"- Expanding your Consciousness into Adulthood

When entering a relationship, starting a family, or becoming part of something- it is essential to shift our level of consciousness from an "I" to a "we" perspective. We then take into consideration, make decisions, and take responsibility based on what is best for everyone in the marriage, family, or community. We are now a team. This allows us to move emotionally from adolescence to adulthood.

In our culture, this expansion of consciousness or "rite-of-passage" usually happens when a couple has children. Unfortunately, if one of the couple is not emotionally involved in the child entering the family, that person may not experience the rite-of-passage and remain in the "I"consciousness. This often happens with divorces or separations, as well as, someone who chooses to continue to be self-involved. Fathers are more susceptible to this separation from the "we" of the family- as they may not get the attachment and involvement with the child during pregnancy. They remain stuck in the "I" consciousness of adolescence. You then have a couple with two people living in different worlds.

Therefore... it is essential to create a rite-of-passage into "we" consciousness upon entering a relationship, family, or community. Both the mother and father need to be involved in what is happening in the family. This is why it is so important for the father to go to things like a Lamaze class or help paint the nursery. If you do not have children, you owe it yourself to create this expansion of consciousness by becoming part of something greater than yourself.

On the up side... you will no longer feel so alone.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hearing Intent: What are people really saying to you?

People often do not say what they mean. They may not even be aware of what they mean. Listening to their words may not be the best way to understand what they are trying to say to you.

I call the skill to address this issue "hearing intent." It requires listening beyond people's words. It inevitably involves intuition and relying on our instincts. This requires trusting our gut. Some ways to hear intent include asking ourselves the following questions: "Who is this person? What are they trying to say to me? Why are they saying that to me?"

Our response can then address what they were intending to say to us. True communication will happen. Time will be saved. They may seem a little bewildered at first. But they will ultimately appreciate it.

Like any skill this requires practice. Try it on for size when you are feeling bold.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Meeting our Emotional Needs

Human beings have emotional needs. Our biggest emotional needs include: belonging, expression/being heard, and love/caring. Emotional health requires taking responsibility for our emotional needs and finding a way to meet them when they present themselves. For example, if I feel sad or hurt about something, it is my responsibility (to myself) to find someone that can listen to and accept that feeling and share with them (expression). If I feel lonely and isolated, it is my responsibility to find something to be a part of this weekend (belonging).

All emotional needs eventually get met- one way or another. Not meeting our emotional needs eventually results in these feelings coming out "sideways"- often when we least expect it. Examples include: angry outbursts, affairs, addictions, and depression.

So... which do we choose: meeting our emotional needs willingly or on our hands and knees?