Expand you social horizons with "social arenas"

During this ideal time for introspection that corresponds with winter and New Years, some of us may decide that we need to expand our social horizons. We may be single and feeling a little lonely and isolated. We may be in relationships and/or friendships that are no longer meeting our emotional needs. We may be raising children and/or working a lot and not getting out very often. The holiday blues may be a reminder that we have not been attending to our emotional needs effectively.

So what to do? Get out and interact with people that have the qualities you are looking for. They may be people you know or people that you have not met.

One of the most effective ways to do this is through creating what I call "social arenas." A social arena is a place where the type of people that you are looking to relate to hang out. I suggest a 3-step process to create social arenas: 1. Identify what elements you are looking for in people you want to relate to- (i.e. honesty, not self-centered, etc.). 2. Identify social arenas where people with those qualities hang out; 3. Attend these social arenas on a regular basis.

By attending the same arena regularly, you will get familiar with these people. And even more importantly- they will get familiar with you. Conversations start to develop naturally. You start to get invited to things. You start to become a part of the little community. You have opportunities for new relationships. Examples of social arenas include: coffee shops, restaurants, wine bars, churches, meetup groups, gyms, yoga classes, bookstores, hockey games, Tai Chi class, dance class, art class, First Friday Art Walk, art galleries, rodeos, museums, the symphony, jazz bars, college or continuing education class, walking your dog at a park, and the list goes on...

So in 2010, open yourself to interacting with some quality, compatible people. They are out there... just hoping to meet someone like you.

Help bring back New Year's Resolutions

No one likes New Year's resolutions anymore. They may be getting close to extinction. This year, I've already heard several people say, "I don't like resolutions. I never follow through with them anyway." Maybe the problem is not with the resolution- but the follow through. I like New Year's resolutions. It is right after the new light of the summer solstice. It is the perfect time to reinvent your life. It is the ideal time to make change.

So this year my thought is we could bring back New Year's resolutions. Of course the best way to bring them back is to make them and follow through with them. Then we can use all this social networking stuff to make resolutions so we can create motivation and momentum for each other. So I invite you to list your resolution after this post on Facebook, Twitter, or Blogger. Hopefully, together we can start a nice list.

I will start. I have three resolutions this year: 1. Aerobic exercise three times a week; 2. Meditate every morning (I am hitting about 4 times a week now); and 3. Do what I call "closure" every evening. Closure is asking yourself a series of 6 questions for each significant, impactful experience of the day- usually about 2 to 4.

Then our first goal is to make it through January. They say if you can do something for a month that you will create a new pattern for yourself. Once you get into February it is part of your routine.

So Happy New Year. That is, make a New Year's resolution and make it a HAPPY and NEW year for yourself.

Is there something you are trying to say to me?

Ever have someone try to communicate with you indirectly? They might hint at something, rather than directly asking you. They might say one thing, but really mean something else. They might even say something to their pet that is really intended for you. Is it just me, or is this maddening? It always seems a bit childish to me.

So... next time someone tries to communicate with you indirectly, consider asking them, "Is there something that you trying to say to me?" Granted, it is a little confrontational, but it is also an invitation to be honest. It is reaching out to hear them and to know them.

If you are like me, maybe you occasionally communicate indirectly yourself. If so, this blog is for that part of you, too. Ask yourself, "What am I really trying to say to them. How can I say it honestly and directly?"

Fact is, most of us often do not feel safe enough to communicate honestly. We do not feel safe to expose what we really want. We may be afraid that there is something wrong with wanting that. We might hurt their feelings. They may get mad at us. It might cause tension. It might cause them to retreat and become more distant. It opens us up to rejection or retaliation.

For me, it gets down to trusting that this relationship is strong enough to be honest. If it is not, then it may need some shaking up anyway. So the core is caring enough to get out of my comfort zone. It is willingness to risk. That is... being willing to risk what I have for something better.

Winter Solstice- a time for introspection

Today is the winter solstice and shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Due to the tilt in earth's axis, the sun is shining directly over the Tropic of Capricorn- its southern most point. Now the sun's migration changes direction and begins to move north again. Our days will start to get longer tomorrow.

In pagan and earth-based cultures, the Winter Solstice is a celebration of the feminine and the goddess. They celebrate this time of maximum darkness to awaken and acknowledge the unbridled power of the dark element in nature and themselves. The dark element represents the feminine, primal, yin, internal, rest, night, cool, dream, and receptive.

The Winter Solstice is when the dark element's dominance over the light element hits is peak and begins to wane. It surrenders to the light element. The I Ching, Hexagram 24- "Return/ The Turning Point (Wilhelm-Baynes translation) describes this, "The time of darkness is past. The winter solstice brings the victory of light." And later in the hexagram, "Therefore seven is the number of young light, and it arises when the number of six, the number of the great darkness, is increased by one. In this way the state of rest gives place to movement."

In one tradition of the Native American medicine wheel, Winter solstice represents the place of the north. It is a time of introspection for us to go inside and evaluate our life over the last year. It is our year's existential crisis where we soul-search what is truly important to us. We can then assess whether we have been living our life consistent with what is important to us. If not, it indicates that a change is necessary for the new year.

So what is most important to you? Is the way you are living your life in harmony with that? If not, it may be time for an adjustment or change for the new cycle. It is, after all, the perfect time of year to reinvent your life.

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?

It can be as simple as wine, candlelight, and a private gift exchange late Christmas Eve- after the kids are in bed. It could be sharing latkes or other traditional Hanukkah dish together. It could be a holiday show or posh New Years Eve party. But doing something is essential. This romantic celebration is along the lines of date nights and nurturing and maintaining your relationship all year long. But whether you admit it or not- the holidays are likely important to you and to your mate. He or she may say it's not a big deal- don't believe them. They are a time when you feel loved and fulfilled- or lonely and hollow. It doesn't always hit you (or them) right away, but it usually does catch up with everyone.

If you are single, that holiday loneliness may be an impetus to get back in the saddle or to be open to a relationship that might be presenting itself to us. Perhaps the plan to put that off until the kids are raised or whatever else is not cutting it. It is a good time of year for New Year's resolutions and new beginnings.

If you are not happy in our current relationship, that lonely and unfulfilled holiday feeling may a call to action to either get the relationship working or to move on. If your relationship has lost some of it's fire, it may be a signal to fan the flames.

And... if we are happily married or in a great relationship, the holidays are a time to celebrate it. So simple and so important.

Point your boat in the right direction and let go

Choosing and understanding the nature of you forthcoming interactions is essential. I have written several blogs on skills like "setting parameters" and "keeping yourself intact" to put yourself in a position to have clear and fulfilling interactions. But... once you have set up your interaction properly, it is vitally important to let go and surrender to the experience. I picture this as pushing your boat in the right direction before you let go and experience where the river takes you.

Most people are good at one or the other. Some of us are good at planning our interactions. These "planners" set up everything just right, but often do not get out of their head so they can let go (of control) and surrender to the experience. Life is not very fulfilling or fun for planners.

Others of us are good at letting go and flowing with experiences, but do so without much forethought. These "free spirits" often surrender to experiences that are not conducive to what they are after and impulsively act without considering the effects of their actions. Free spirits often do not create the life they really want.

Why not do both? We could point our boat in the right direction and then let go. We could briefly consider if the experience in front of us is good place for us to be, what our parameters and intentions are, and what the possibilities and likely effects are. Then we could make our choice and surrender to the experience. We trust ourselves and our "survivability" enough to let go and surrender to the unknown. We might even lose ourselves in the experience (that could be fun). If the experience starts to go south, we could step back, repoint our boat, and then jump back into the experience again- or leave. We have the rest of our lives to analyze it, but just that moment to experience it.

So how does that float your boat?

Challenging the Parameters of our Existence

Once upon a time there was this dog. When she was just a pup, she was out in her back yard in the suburbs. A squirrel came running by, and she chased it. Just when she was about to catch the squirrel, she got pulled backwards by the neck. She discovered she was on a chain. After a few more "lessons," she learned she had about a 20 foot radius. After that, when chasing a squirrel, she started to to slow down when she got near the perimeter so as to not clothesline herself again. She accepted that she was destined to live inside of her circle. She never challenged it again.

As time passed she grew into an adult dog. What she didn't know was that the chain's corkscrew mount into the ground was not very strong. It held her as a puppy, but now that she was 75 pounds and a strong adult dog, she could easily break free if she risked running hard at the perimeter. But she never even considered doing that. It was not part of her reality.

Confronting the edge of one's reality was clearly depicted in at the end of The Truman Show- another awesome movie by Peter Weir (see clip).

Are there things in our life we could easily free ourselves from, but do not challenge due to experiences from the past? The I Ching (Wilhelm/Baynes translation) describes this as, "A man (or woman) is oppressed by bonds that can be easily broken."

So maybe its time to make a run at our flimsy constraint. We could break through our contrived movie set. We could challenge the parameters of our existence. Who knows, there may be a whole new world waiting for us on the other side.

Where have all the Barn Raisings gone?

Ever see one of the those old movies or westerns that show the small town coming together for a barn raising? The bad guys or some tragedy burned the person's house or barn down. The whole community then comes together and builds a new house or barn for them. The 1985 movie "Witness" by Peter Weir (see clip) showed an awesome barn raising in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. There is cooperation, community, and selflessness. I always thought it was the coolest thing.

Ever wonder why this sort of thing doesn't happen much anymore? I do. In earlier times, or even today in small, isolated towns, people had/have to depend on each other in order to survive. They did not have the luxury of living in social isolation and fenced-in yards.

The closest thing that I see in contemporary America is helping someone move or a church helping paint an elderly person's house. I always make time to help someone move. People in those situations are usually needing help and feeling vulnerable. It is a great way to come together in a genuine shared experience. And, it let's people know that they are not alone. That if things really got bad, there would be someone there to help. It is one of the most powerful ways I know to make a difference.

And... as things with the economy and the planet get more challenging, we may be heading full circle to a time that we once again have to rely on each other to survive. The truth is when we, as a people, start becoming self-centered, self-indulgent, and isolated, it creates societal or economic problems that force us to come together again. It is nature's way of keeping us honest. It could be rather inconvenient. But maybe then, we might not feel so isolated, lonely, and at-risk. Maybe if we started now, things may not have to get as bad as they would otherwise. My friend has a truck...

Responsibility- the key to freedom?

You create your life. Everything that you are experiencing in your life now was created by you. The undesirable things in your life are either an outcome of a choice that you made, or an experience or person that you chose to expose yourself to. It could be your choice of a job, career, boss, business, place you live, significant other, friend(s), place to hang out, or limitless other things. Of all the possible things on the planet, you chose to expose yourself to those experiences. And now, for better or for worse, you have what you have.

We often tend to view the undesirable things in our life as things that happened TO us. "There I was minding my own business and wham, my boss unloaded on me. What was I supposed to do?"

The cool thing about taking responsibility for everything in your life is that nine times out of ten, if you created it... you can change it. On the contrary, if it happened TO you- there is not much that you can do to change it. You are at the mercy of other people and outside forces. Taking responsibility for your life empowers you to change it and to create the life that you want- the ultimate freedom.

If you start making different choices today, you can expect your life to be significantly different in about six months. That seems to be about how long it takes for new things to manifest. The choice in front of you is whether or not you choose to take responsibility for the things in your life. That choice opens you up to all the other choices- or not.

Metaphor of the Rose: With Beauty comes Pain

One of my all-time favorite metaphors is that of the rose. It has beauty and delicateness, but also thorns. My interpretation is that with beauty comes pain. With the love and the unfoldment of beauty with another human comes inevitable pain. They are a package deal. We can't care that deeply with another and expect to not get hurt.

Most of us have been hurt or betrayed by loving someone. We seek the love and beauty that comes from exposing our hearts and becoming vulnerable, yet we are reluctant to do so because we got hurt bad when we did this before. We are afraid that we might not survive being hurt like that again. If we allow (or have allowed) ourselves to feel and heal the pain of being hurt before, it should help us believe that we could heal it again. We learn to "believe in our survivability." Then, it is just an issue of willingness to risk.

We tell ourselves a story that we can experience the beauty of love without really letting go. We figure we can have the beauty and unfoldment of the rose without the pain. We allow ourselves to experience some safe, guarded, and superficial love and tell ourselves it is the real deal. But then why are we still so lonely? Deep down we know that it is not the same.

The metaphor of the rose is here to remind us that if we want the true beauty and fulfillment of love, we have to accept that pain comes with it. Are we willing to risk being hurt again?

This Holidays, Start a New Family Tradition

We often rely on our family of origin for our family traditions. We have been doing them since we were little and they make the holidays feel special to us. This year, why not consider starting a new family tradition for your new or primary family? Traditions add strength and character to families. This family is different than the family that you grew up in- perhaps some new traditions that are tailored to it are in order.

Traditions can be traditional, planned, or spontaneous. They are always start with what is important to you. One of my personal traditions is to have a romantic evening and gift exchange with my girlfriend/wife on Christmas Eve. That is our time. Kids, presents, extended family can come on Christmas day. So think about what is really important to you during the holidays and plan a tradition around it. Make it special. Make it meaningful.

As well, this holiday season look for spontaneous or accidental traditions that may be presenting themselves to you. Maybe you are out of town or busy and cannot get the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. Decorating the tree on Christmas Eve turns out to be turns out to be a huge hit with the kids and everyone involved. Now you have a family tradition. Or... maybe you get invited to go caroling at the last moment and it turns out to be perfect. What is important is considering what elements you are looking for in a tradition- so you recognize it when it appears.

Even better if it is different than either of your and your significant other's traditions. It gives yourselves, your children, and your parents a signal that this is your family. It is unique and special unto itself. It is not to be measured by any other standards. Your family has its own character and personality. And... it deserves to be celebrated.

Emotional consideration: How is that going to affect me emotionally?

All things affect. We choose what experiences to expose ourselves to. We often make these decisions intellectually. They seem fine on paper. But we often fail to consider how that experience will affect us and others emotionally.

For example, being single and hanging out with someone that you would like to be with and their significant other. On paper, what' s the big deal? You are hanging out with friends. Emotionally, every time he touches her and picks her over you it breaks your heart a little. Why would you do that to yourself?

Or, talking with your ex on the phone in front of your boyfriend or husband. Intellectually, no problem; we are all adults here. After all he said he did not have a problem with it. And besides it's Christmas. At the emotional level, he hears you laugh and sees you smile- and then worries that you still like your ex more and are not fully over him. He trusts you a little less. Meanwhile, your ex starts thinking there is still hope of getting back together. I hope that little "harmless call" was worth it.

The fact is we often underestimate the emotional impact that experiences will have. At the emotional level, we may not be as cool and secure as we think we are. We set ourselves and the people that we care about up for a lot of unnecessary grief. It affects our ability to trust ourselves and each other.

So, upon considering an experience, try getting out of your head and asking yourself, "How will it will affect you and the others involved emotionally?" Use this "emotional consideration" as a factor in making your decisions. Remember... emotions often do not make sense intellectually, but they are more directly correlated to our happiness than anything else.

Clear mind, Open heart.

When you are feeling, you cannot see things as they are. You become attached and lose your objectivity. But becoming attached is not bad- it is part of feeling. Both seeing clearly and feeling are essential to have rich, beautiful life experiences. You just can't do both at the same time.

So... clear mind, open heart. See things clearly first. The I Ching or Book of Changes refers to this as "The Creative" or masculine dynamic or "yang." So, at the beginning, clearly see things as they are. See if what is in front of you is a good place for you to be. See all the possibilities that are presenting themselves to you.

Then... surrender to the experience and allow yourself to feel. This is the open heart part. The Creative surrenders itself to "The Receptive" or feminine dynamic or "yin". Loving, feeling, and engaging in life require losing some objectivity and clarity. Feel and be part of it. Then... after the feelings of the experience have passed, allow yourself to see clearly again so you can understand and learn from the feelings and experience that you had.

The concept of non-attachment is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Buddhism. Being non-attached and seeing clearly is essential to having a rich experience. Being detached from the outcome is also essential. But trying to stay unattached while we are experiencing feelings is an exercise in futility and frustration. You end up not being very clear or experiencing anything fully.

So get clear. Do a meditation retreat. Do a vision quest. Soul search. Find clarity for your life. But then take that clarity and focus with you as you come back out in the world to experience life again. Fall in love. Get involved. Feel. We are here to experience things. That is the only way that we can understand.

Being thankful is not taking people for granted

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had an awesome day. Giving thanks is a cornerstone of most every religious and spiritual path for a reason. One factor is that the practice of giving thanks prevents one of the most destructive habits of relationships- taking people for granted.

It's kind of strange. Once we get past learning to trust people, we settle into routines, patterns, and expectations. We come to expect the things that the person has been providing. We lose sight of how precious and important this person is to us. We start to take them for granted. We figure no matter what, they will always be there. We neglect them. We figure I'll focus on my deadline at work, my kids, etc. My relationship is strong, it can handle it.

In counseling people after they have gotten a divorce, I have heard variations on the same story time and time again: "I figured if I worked all the time for just another year we would be fine." Or, "She told me she wasn't happy and that we never spent time together anymore, but I figured we would get through it." They continue, "And then one day they just left. They said they were done." People have emotional needs and once they go through enough loneliness and disappointment, something inside of them shifts and they are not able to do it anymore. Finally, the person then looks at me soulfully and says, "What happened? How did I get here?" They got there by taking someone they loved for granted. It happens with mates, kids, friends, and parents.

Sorry for the somber note on Thanksgiving weekend. But this year consider not taking any of the people that you care about for granted. It requires time and re-prioritizing. It may be inconvenient. Think of it as an investment in the people that are precious to you.

True Strength is Always Born of Gentleness

True strength is created from trusting ourself. More specifically it is based on trusting our heart- our intuition and instincts. It is not trusting our intellect. Strength based on our intellect or rules is contrived and rigid. This will create anger or "willful intent" and likely cause damage.

In order to access our true strength is is necessary to allow energy in. (In contrast to this, when we are angry, we push our energy out). When you are in a situation, open yourself to what is going on. Allow the energy of the situation in so you can feel what is going on. This allows your intuition or knowing self to kick in. Then you trust your heart or intuition (or gut) to tell what you to do and take action- even if it does not make sense intellectually. Acting from from your heart is always strong and true.

The best indicator of true strength is that it is always born of gentleness. What we do may be be firm and really strong with people, but it is always based on gentleness and compassion. This is because it came from your heart. It is based on the energy of the situation and the empathetic response of our intuition. Carl Jung called this acting based on the "requiredness of the situation."

So if your strength or strong action is gentle and compassionate, it is true. If it is not gentle, it is something else- usually control or anger. It is like that Keb Mo song, "I don't know what it is, but that's not love." Or in this case... that's not strength.

Angry or hurt? Ask, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?"

One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a "we" and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.

Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this "necessary loss." It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).

Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?" This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.

So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.

Are you a giving person? Allow the circle to complete itself.

Generous, giving people often allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Sadly, when people do not appreciate your gift, it has limited benefit. It is wasted effort. "Completing the Circle" (below) is a technique to give without being taken advantage of and to have your gifts make a difference:

1. Detach from the outcome of what the person will do with your gift.

2. Give a give a free gift that has no strings. Lay out your best.

3. Objectively observe if the person offers a "put back" to complete the circle. It could just be a sincere thank you. It could be valuing what you gave and using it to help their life or other's lives. It could be reciprocating. It could be payment for services. It could be taking you to lunch. It could be making you a pie or giving you some of their canned peaches. It could be ordering pizza when you help them move. It is their intent that counts here. It does not have to be of equal weight to what you gave them.

4. Look for patterns. Usually there will be behavioral patterns that happen over and over again. Are you the giver, and they the taker? Do they find something wrong with your gift. Do they expect it? Do they appreciate it?

5. If the circle completes itself, you know that it is good place to give. If the circle does not complete itself, it may be time to discern if this is a good investment of your time and energy. There are likely other people who would gladly complete the circle with your gift- if you gave them the opportunity.

Happy giving and May the Circle be Unbroken (written by the Carter Family in 1928).

Sacred Space and Keeping Yourself Intact

What is sacred to us are the things that are most important to us. When we share these parts of ourselves we become exposed and vulnerable. We have an emotional and spiritual need to share these sacred things with people. This is what intimacy and closeness is. I refer to this as allowing them into our "sacred space."

It seems that something so important and vulnerable as allowing someone into your sacred space ought to have some ground rules. The number one parameter for someone in your sacred space is that they respect and honor what is sacred to you. This is not a place for them to criticize, make fun of, or disagree with what is sacred to you. This is not about them. They are in your world now. They are either able to accept and respect what is sacred to you or they are not.

If they are not able to respect your sacred space, it is your responsibility to yourself to get them out immediately. This is called "keeping yourself intact." They have lost the privilege to share that most beautiful part of you. Not removing them and protecting this vulnerable part of yourself leads to deep emotional wounds and difficulty trusting people.

Removing them from your sacred space is doing whatever it takes to take away the ability for them to continue to disrespect that sacred part of you. There is no correct way to do this. This is not about assertiveness or honest communication. This is damage control. You may not be feeling especially strong after someone just violated your trust. You may be in shock. Saying something as as simple as, "I have to get going now," or, "It is getting late." could work. You could change the subject or simply leave. You can confront them or explain things to them later, but this will not happen in the middle of your sacred space.

It seems only fair when you do that most courageous act of sharing yourself, you do so in a manner that keeps you intact. Ultimately, this leads to trusting yourself (to keep yourself intact), so you can share again another day.

They would tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat.

Up to a couple hundred years ago, Native American tribes of the plains were dependent on the Buffalo for food and survival. They used every part of the buffalo for sustenance. If a person were to see a herd of buffalo on the plains, the first thing that he or she would do is go back and tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat. They would get a hunting party together much like depicted in the hunt scene in Dances with Wolves (see video clip). They would hunt together and kill numerous buffalo- so the whole clan could eat for a long time.

The clan did not tolerate self-centeredness or "I consciousness." If the person that saw the herd shot a buffalo from himself and scattered the herd, the clan would take away his shelter and everything that he owned for endangering the clan with with his self-centeredness and failure to consider the needs of the entire clan. They could not afford such self-centeredness and lack of consideration. They could not survive with it. Their "we consciousness" or as they called it being "one-of-the-people" was the key to their survival and their way of life.

How is it that our current culture can afford self-centeredness? Why do we continue to indulge in it? Why do we tolerate it? Is it that we had so much abundance and wealth with the technology of the second part of the 20th century that we no longer needed acting as one-of-the-people for our survival?

It is quite possible that the return of limited resources and tough economic times will require us to live with one-of-the-people consciousness once again. We may actually need to consider each other and work together survive. Maybe we already do- but have just not realized it yet.

Power Struggle- "No, you come into MY world!"

Most of us have experienced a power struggle in a relationship. No fun. But what is it really about? I have found that most power struggles with couples are about trying to get the other to come into your world. The wife wants her husband come into her world and live in their with her. The husband wants the wife to come into his world. The more determined of the two usually wins. The loser resents the winner; the winner loses respect for the loser.

How about a choice c. ? What if a couple created a new world together. The new world would be different than either of your individual worlds. It would be based on what works for both of you. You still get to keep your individual worlds. It is just when you are together you primarily hang out your shared world. You could occasionally visit each other's worlds to experience and understand each other. You could go into your own world by yourself or with a friend. But you focus most of your time with each other creating a world together.

This requires a shift in consciousness- from "I" to "We." (See my previous From I to We blog). In your shared world you have to consider what is best for both of you when you make decisions. You have to give up some of your pictures of how you wanted the relationship to be. You may have to decorate and pick out paint together. You have to ask each other, "What do you think?" a lot.

Is it worth it? You decide. I will tell you the destruction, resentment, and loss of respect created by an ongoing power struggle are rarely resolved. And... the beauty and happiness of creating a world together far surpasses the initial discomfort and fear of redefining yourself and letting go of control. Who knows, maybe WE will have a good time together.

Allowing Ourselves to See Possibilities

Possibilities for the things we want most are presenting themselves to us all the time. But we only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are available to us. We all have limiting belief systems that tell us what aspects of life are available to us and what are not. We say to ourselves, "That works for my friend, but I do not have those types of experiences." So when possibilities present themselves to us, we do not even see them. They pass right on by. Our self-beliefs create a veil that prevents us from seeing them. They are blind spots for us. And then we say, "See, that kind of thing never happens for me."

A really funny example of this was the ending of the movie Dumb and Dumber (See video clip). After spending most of the movie trying to find women, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are along the side of the road- complaining that they never get a break. A bus full of women on a bikini tour, stop by and invite them to go on tour with them. The guys say, there is a town a few miles down the road where you ought to be able to find two guys. After the bus leaves one of them says, "Some day we will get our break." My theory is that we do this to ourselves all the time. It is not that we are dumb- it is that we have blind spots. We turn down opportunities that will get us what we want, because we do not see the possibility.

I have done exercises with single clients, asking them to list every woman/man in the room-and then to go talk to the ones that they didn't notice before. They reported things like, "He is nice and really good looking, but I didn't even see him before. Or, "I saw her when I came in, but figured that she would never be interested in me." Upon talking to her, he found out that he figured wrong.

Not seeing possibilities also happens with business opportunities, jobs, promotions, money, and anything that you want. Perhaps God, Spirit, or the universe is trying to answer our prayers and we don't even notice the opportunity put in front of us. That is what I find interesting about The Secret and Law of Attraction which teaches us that we create our life. People spend all this time asking for the things that they want, and then when the thing they want presents itself- they don't even see it. They do not really believe it is available to them. It does not come the way that they pictured it. It's like we need a "The Secret Part 2- Recognizing the things that we created for ourselves."

To change this unfortunate pattern, it helps to be aware of and to challenge your limiting belief systems. Another tool I use is that whenever an experience presents itself to you, ask yourself, "What are the possibilities?" Or, "Are there possibilities here that I am not allowing myself to see?" You will be amazed at the things that appear out of thin air!

"But first, you must empty your cup..."

In the Zen tradition, Tea Ceremony is the most sacred of ceremonies. The teacher serving tea to the student ultimately signifies that the teacher is being of service to the student. The following story is a teaching passed to me from this oral-tradition, retold, based on my memory and story-telling style.

Many years ago, a Zen teacher was conducting a tea ceremony for his student. The student was very proud of his spiritual accomplishments. When the teacher began pouring tea, the student told the teacher of all of the spiritual truths that he had learned. The teacher quietly listened and poured tea. As the cup became full, the teacher continued to slowly pour tea as it overflowed out of the cup onto the saucer. As the student talked and talked, the saucer slowly became full and the tea began to flow onto the table. About the time that the tea started to spill onto the floor, the student thinking the master a fool said, "Master, can't you see that you are spilling tea all over the floor!" The teacher said, "Yes, but first you must empty your cup- so there is room for something new."

My teacher used to tell this story to me when I was not "teachable." Or he'd just say, "Empty your cup, Mike." I heard it more than once. I still use it to remind myself to let go of my preconceptions and the things that I "think I know"- so I can learn from a new experience. May it serve you too.

Who is that Person that I am Supposed to be Close To?

We often share the least about ourselves and what we feel with the people that we are closest to. We are less honest with them. The risk is too high. If we are married to them, have children with them, or work with them, it is a high level of investment and entanglement. Risking the relationship by sharing what we honestly feel threatens to turn our lives upside down. So we often keep our threatening feelings to ourselves or share them someone that we have less investment with.

After a while we do not know the people that we are supposedly the closest to. With not sharing what we feel, we miss out in experiencing who they are. They in turn, do not get to know who we are. We tell ourselves that we know them. How could we not, we live with them. But when is the last time you shared something that you are really excited about or scared about? When is the last time that you let them know that they hurt your feelings?

Of course, not risking is not safe. Being honest actually increases the likelihood that you will stay together. But it sure doesn't feel that way.

So this weekend, take a risk. Trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure some honesty. I recommend starting small to give you both some time to adjust. Then.. invite them to share something that has been on their mind. You might find out that you live with a really beautiful human being. A lot of the beauty and richness, after all, is in the messy, risky stuff that we protect each other from.

Completing Our Harvest

The Native American medicine wheel illustrates our cycles of life and growth throughout the year. The spring (or east) is a time of new beginnings, birth, and planting seeds. The summer (or south) is a time of activity, learning, and growth. The fall (or west) is the time of harvest, maturity, and completion. The winter (or north) is a time of introspection and death of the old- so something new can be born in the spring.

The beautiful fall weather we are experiencing in the Inland Northwest led me to reflect on the importance of this time of year. The fall harvest is the manifestation of the things we planted in the spring and nurtured during the summer. Doorways open up to us based on what we conceived earlier in the year. This is similar to what The Secret and "Law of Attraction" suggest when they speak of our thoughts creating our reality.

The fact that the things that we ask for often come in a form that is different from the way we pictured makes the fall harvest little trickier. We sometimes do not recognize what we have created for ourselves. At the beginning of the Autumn, we are often sorting out what our harvest is.

But by November it is time now to bring our harvest to completion. What are the missing pieces that we need to tie up for ourselves so that we can reap the most out of our harvest? How do the different elements of our harvest interlink? It is essential that we tie this up now- as it will be soon time to detach from the activity of our fall harvest so we can get an objective understanding of it during the introspective time of winter. Besides, completing it now allows just enough time to be thankful for it at Thanksgiving.

Where are we going spend the holidays this year?

Wherever we spend our holidays says which family is most important to us. Whichever family gets the most priority during the holidays is our primary family. What is the important part of my holiday and whom I spend that with? Do we go to their house or do they come to ours? Where is Thanksgiving dinner? Where do we open our presents?

Our primary family is what we see ourselves to be most a part of. It is where we feel that we most belong. What we are most a part of is our primary role-identification. Am I primarily a husband and father or am I primarily my parents' son? I have to choose. Whether we realize it our not, what we emphasize during the holidays tells our mates, our children, our parents, and everyone around us where we stand. Actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes our family of origin is so strong, that we forget that our new family needs to be acknowledged. Do we trust our new family enough to make it our priority? Are we worried about hurting people's feelings? By acting to not hurt people's feelings, are we breaking other people's hearts?

It does not mean we can't be part of several families and celebrate them at different times. But which one are we most a part of? Which relationships are the most important to us? That is probably the family we should consider emphasizing the most this holiday season.

Trusting People To Be Who They Are

We are determined to change people. We want people to be who we think they should be. We want people to be who we need them to be. It doesn't seem to matter to us if it is something that they want to be. It doesn't even seem to matter if it is something they are able to be. Yet when they turn out to not be who we needed them to be, we feel hurt and betrayed. We are disappointed over and over again.

What if we trusted people to be who they are? We if we discovered who they are? If we went beyond our preconceptions and who we needed them to be, and honestly looked at who they are? Then, we did not count on them changing. Rather we asked ourselves is this someone (the way they are) that I want to interact with. Then is this person (the way they are) someone I can count on? Is this someone (the way they are) that I want to spend time with my kids. They either are, or they're not.

We might even want to test them. We might share something personal about ourselves and watch what they do with it- in order to find out who they are.

Then, we trust them to be that way. We base our decisions on it.

There is so much freedom in trusting people to be who they are. We avoid so much pain, anger, and heartbreak. We don't have to control anyone anymore. We might have to work a little harder and wait a little longer to find someone who naturally is the way we want someone to be. We also might need to check to see if the way we want someone to be is even possible. But the freedom is well worth it.

This Halloween... The Shadow Knows.

Carl Jung defined the "shadow" as the part of us that "represents unknown or little know attributes of the ego." He continues about the value of the shadow in Man and his Symbols, "But sometimes everything that is that is unknown to the ego is mixed up with the shadow, including the most valuable and highest forces." Later in the chapter he advises, "If the shadow figure contains valuable, vital forces, they ought to be assimilated into actual experience and not repressed. It is up to the ego to give up its pride and priggishness and to live out something that seems to be dark, but actually may not be"

I cannot think of a better time for what Jung called "the realization of the shadow" than on Halloween. This year why not dance out your shadow by picking a costume that embodies your alter-ego or part of yourself that you normally do not allow or expose? For the really courageous, act in the character of your shadow costume during a party.

So... if you cannot think of a good costume this Halloween, live a little and expand your repertoire. Let your shadow come out to play!

"But never give your love, my friend, Unto a foolish heart"

This Grateful Dead song, Foolish Heart, written by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia came into my head years after I had last heard it to help me understand a vital lesson.

In 2003, I had been sharing tender, vulnerable things about to myself to critical people. Bart Anderson, the spiritual teacher that I was working with shocked me one day. He said, "They don't deserve your heart." This seemed to go against everything that I had learned from him. He continued (and I paraphrase), "Well, look at it. You and the people you are sharing with are coming from two totally different places. You are opening your heart and being vulnerable, and they are criticizing you and using it against you. Why would you do that?" I didn't have a good answer. But I did stop doing it. He called it "discernment."

Years later I recognized a similar pattern sharing vulnerable things with careless people. And, investing lots of energy in them. It was not working out well. I was getting hurt. This is when I remembered the Foolish Heart song. I stopped doing that, too.

I still allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am much more selective with whom I share sensitive things with these days. But every now and then, I forget and pay the price. That's about when I hear Jerry Garcia's voice singing, "...Unto a foolish heart."

Defining your Relationships and Setting Parameters.

Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if... we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set "parameters" (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.

Effective parameters can be subtle, but they are always clear. For example, when a coworker flirts with you, think about whether you want flirting to be part of that relationship (definition). Then, give them clear signals (parameters) telling them whether or not you want flirting to be part of that relationship. Or... when a friend is not spending as much time with you as you would like (definition), let them know that you miss them and would like to see them sometime soon (parameter). If they are not available on an ongoing basis, you can redefine that relationship to more of an "acquaintance", and seek a new friend to meet your friendship needs.

By setting parameters, both people than know where they stand with each other. This leads to trusting the relationship and trusting each other. It allows us to get what we want most from the relationship. Defining our relationships and setting parameters to maintain them lays a foundation for them to go deeper and to be more fulfilling.

Defining relationships and setting parameters requires a lot of work. Definition requires thought and difficult decisions. Setting parameters requires courage and strength to address awkward and difficult situations. And... we have to pay attention. But sooner or later, we have to ask ourselves, "Just how important are our relationships to us?"

What are your dreams trying to tell you?

I see dreams as a way our inner consciousness (aka. unconscious, soul, higher self, etc.), or the part of us that knows what is best for us, tries to communicate with our conscious mind. It communicates with symbols. There is new interest in symbols due to Dan Brown's recent book The Lost Symbol. I believe our ego defends our conscious mind against any communication that threatens it maintaining control and the status quo. But our ego renders our whacky dream content harmless and lets it pass through. So if we decode the symbolism or "interpret" the dream, we can understand what are inner consciousness is trying to say to our conscious mind. I call it "communication with self" and consider it the most pure guidance that we can receive.

I find Carl Jung the most helpful reference to understanding symbols am dreams and recommend his book Man and his Symbols. (Make sure you get the hardback edition with the cool pictures.) I do not recommend getting a dream dictionary that lists all of the symbols' meaning. Better to to a feel for the symbols' meaning by reading some Jung or Joseph Campbell (The Power of Myth is excellent). Or better yet... sit in a dream group with someone that understands symbols and dream interpretation.

So next time you have a really strange dream, ask yourself, "What is it trying to tell me?"

Angry? Send'em a Prayer

Next time you are mad at someone, send them a prayer. It doesn't have to be Christian. It doesn't even have to be a prayer. Send them a blessing, some love, or positive thoughts. The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv talks about the power of our thoughts. Point is- they probably could use all the help they can get. They are probably experiencing pain, stress, and difficulty. Them pushing you away, being short with you, judging you, or being irresponsible likely has nothing to do with you. They are probably projecting their misery onto you.

So next time you want to throttle them, send them a prayer. Send them some love- or better yet love them. Not only will it help them, but it will free you. Free yourself of the resentment that you carry (that hurts you more than it hurts them). Free both of you from your attachment of them being something that you need them to be.

Free yourself to experience some other things.

Stop Pushing People Away!

"You only allow as much love as you feel like you deserve." This is a quote by Bart Anderson, a spiritual teacher that I studied with for many years. So what happens to the love that we that we do not allow? We push it away. In other words, we push people away when they are trying to love us. When someone is getting closer than we are comfortable with, we push them away. We all do it.

So... all we have to do to experience more love in our life is to stop pushing people away when they are trying to love us. Sounds simple enough. And it is simple, but it is not easy.

First we have to identify how we push people away, then see ourselves about to do it, and then stop ourselves from pushing them away. So what are some of the ways we push people way? With judgement, arrogance, pride, sarcasm, mockery, cleverness, and criticism. Yuk! This isn't so fun anymore.

So the next time you are about to chime in with a snide comment, ask yourself, "Am I trying to push them away?" And if the answer is yes, just keep it to yourself and allow the person to love you. Stop pushing them away. It will likely be a little uncomfortable. Your self-worth will have to expand. But why not give it a shot. You do deserve it. And besides you owe it to yourself and the people that are desperately trying to get close to you.

Moment of Opportunity for Change in a Relationship

Relationships (like people) have behavioral patterns that create separation and undesired outcomes. Making change in a relationship requires acting in the moment when the pattern that you want to change repeats itself. I call this the moment of opportunity.

For example: Say a husband and wife have a behavioral pattern of the husband turning the TV on when his wife was planning to talk about her day. She tells him about something and he half listens while he watches the football game. The wife gets her feelings hurt- feeling unheard, unimportant, and unloved. She stops competing with the TV and sadly retreats to the kitchen. She stews it for a couple of days and then tells her husband that she wants to "talk about the relationship." He thinks "Oh Man" and dutifully listens to her. She tells him that she just does not feel important to him anymore, but does not tell him why. He says, "Oh honey, you are the world to me," and she thinks that this has resolved the problem. All is well- until the next night he comes home, watches TV, and she gets hurt again. Even if she refers to the pattern more specifically during the talk, eventually, one of them will have to do something different when the pattern repeats itself.

In fact, the only way that this pattern can change is for one of them to do something different while it is actually happening- during the moment of opportunity. What if... the next time it repeats itself (and it will), the wife recognizes the moment of opportunity and stands in front of the TV set and says, "It is really important to me to tell you about my day. Is there a time that we could do that?" This may or may not be a good idea, but the point is that she is acting differently in the moment of opportunity, and therefore has created a chance for a different outcome. And he has an immediate reference to what she is talking about.

So... look for the those moments of opportunity to address things as they happen. It may be a little scary at first, but you will find that the results that you get make it well worth it.

PS: Using moments of opportunity are even more essential with children. Otherwise, they just hear your request as "blah, blah, blah."

Time for Couples Retreat?

I saw the movie Couples Retreat www.couplesretreatmovie.com over the weekend. Although I found the movie to be a bit silly (and funny), it illustrated the value of a retreat. All four couples disengage from the kids, work, routines, and patterns in their lives and and are left with each other to deal with. With some encouragement and guidance in the form of therapy sessions and an adventure, all four couples were able to reconnect with each other in a significant way. Was it oversimplified and Hollywood unrealistic? Yes, but you would be surprised at the break-throughs and healing I've seen happen with some guidance and time away from the duties and distractions of modern life.

I recommend the movie if you like comedies with a cool message, and I definitely recommend a doing a couples retreat. If you or someone you know is interested in a couples retreat, send me an email at info@michaelhoffman.info. I can help you find one or set one up in your area... or Cabo for the matter. It is getting a bit cold after all.

Responding to People based on Intent, not Outcomes

When I moved to my current residence, I made a phone call to receive garbage service. The nice person gave me all the information about the various services that they offered. I had just missed the service this week and there had been miscommunication about pick-up the week before. It was 100 degrees outside and I had two weeks of garbage that was going be three. So I explained my situation and asked if their was something that she could do. She went to great lengths to organize a special pick up at no extra cost. Apparently, the guys on the truck did not think I was so special, and they did not pick it up- despite her telling them to. It sat out in the sun all day and when got home I found lots of nasty garbage spread all over the driveway by the neighbor's dog.

It was my first day of my new job and when I saw the garbage I was furious. I angrily went to call and confront the lady that I had talked to. But then something inside of me said, "stop." And I thought, this lady went the extra mile for me and truly tried to solve my problem. Her intent was to help me. It seemed that she did not deserve a bunch of my anger and frustration because life happened. So I took a deep breath, got her on the phone, and thanked her for working so hard to solve my problem. The trash got taken away on the normal day which is likely what I should have done to start with.

Later I got to thinking, from now on I am going to respond to people based on their intent- rather than the outcome of what ends up happening. If someone tries their best to help me, that counts for a lot with me. So that is my new policy. What's yours?

From "I" to "We"- Expanding your Consciousness into Adulthood

When entering a relationship, starting a family, or becoming part of something- it is essential to shift our level of consciousness from an "I" to a "we" perspective. We then take into consideration, make decisions, and take responsibility based on what is best for everyone in the marriage, family, or community. We are now a team. This allows us to move emotionally from adolescence to adulthood.

In our culture, this expansion of consciousness or "rite-of-passage" usually happens when a couple has children. Unfortunately, if one of the couple is not emotionally involved in the child entering the family, that person may not experience the rite-of-passage and remain in the "I"consciousness. This often happens with divorces or separations, as well as, someone who chooses to continue to be self-involved. Fathers are more susceptible to this separation from the "we" of the family- as they may not get the attachment and involvement with the child during pregnancy. They remain stuck in the "I" consciousness of adolescence. You then have a couple with two people living in different worlds.

Therefore... it is essential to create a rite-of-passage into "we" consciousness upon entering a relationship, family, or community. Both the mother and father need to be involved in what is happening in the family. This is why it is so important for the father to go to things like a Lamaze class or help paint the nursery. If you do not have children, you owe it yourself to create this expansion of consciousness by becoming part of something greater than yourself.

On the up side... you will no longer feel so alone.

Hearing Intent: What are people really saying to you?

People often do not say what they mean. They may not even be aware of what they mean. Listening to their words may not be the best way to understand what they are trying to say to you.

I call the skill to address this issue "hearing intent." It requires listening beyond people's words. It inevitably involves intuition and relying on our instincts. This requires trusting our gut. Some ways to hear intent include asking ourselves the following questions: "Who is this person? What are they trying to say to me? Why are they saying that to me?"

Our response can then address what they were intending to say to us. True communication will happen. Time will be saved. They may seem a little bewildered at first. But they will ultimately appreciate it.

Like any skill this requires practice. Try it on for size when you are feeling bold.

Meeting our Emotional Needs

Human beings have emotional needs. Our biggest emotional needs include: belonging, expression/being heard, and love/caring. Emotional health requires taking responsibility for our emotional needs and finding a way to meet them when they present themselves. For example, if I feel sad or hurt about something, it is my responsibility (to myself) to find someone that can listen to and accept that feeling and share with them (expression). If I feel lonely and isolated, it is my responsibility to find something to be a part of this weekend (belonging).

All emotional needs eventually get met- one way or another. Not meeting our emotional needs eventually results in these feelings coming out "sideways"- often when we least expect it. Examples include: angry outbursts, affairs, addictions, and depression.

So... which do we choose: meeting our emotional needs willingly or on our hands and knees?

Connection or Separation

Everything we say or do either creates connection or separation with the people and life around us. The more connection that we allow in our lives- the more happiness, security, and strength we experience.

I have found this not only to be true- but to be an excellent overall guide when making decisions. When considering whether to say or do something, I simply ask myself will doing/saying that create connection or separation with the person/people involved. If the answer is connection- I proceed, if it is separation- I either pass on it or find a way to do it that creates connection. It is when I do not consider this that I tend to create experiences that I regret.

It is also useful in evaluating and learning from past experiences. Did doing/saying that create connection or separation. Next time... I will do more of that, not do that, or approach it differently.

Best wishes connecting with those around you.

Using Rites-of-Rassage to Create Change

I have participated in and facilitated seminars and classes to create change for the past twenty years. I found that lasting change occurred more often when a “rite-of-passage” was utilized.

Rites-of-passage go back to the beginning of time in most cultures. They are best known as “coming of age” initiations that mark the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. They signify the death of the old and birth of the new. Other examples include: Native American vision quests, Bar Mitzvahs, graduation ceremonies, initiations, weddings, baby showers, funerals, and retirement celebrations.

So why not experience a rite-of-passage when you want to create change in your life? It gives you and the world a signal that you changed at this point in time. You are... no longer someone that allows people to take advantage of you, you are now someone that demands respect. Or... you are no longer a single guy, you are now part of a family. After the rite, whenever you observe yourself in your old way, say “that is not who I am anymore.” If you have a group of people that support your change and care enough to say to you “that is not what you are about anymore,” the effect is multiplied exponentially.

So... if you or someone you know is serious about initiating change or creating a new way of being, come and experience a rite-of-passage with us. Allow yourself a metamorphosis. You owe it to yourself.

What is Change?

This represents what I have been up to this summer. For some time I have been considering how the things that I have learned might benefit other people. I drew on twenty-five years of self-exploration and working with people, as well as, study and collaboration with a creative and enlightened teacher. This is the beginning of what I have come up with.

I start with the sole premise that you can (still) create the life that you want for yourself- or change. Hence the name metamorphosis. I always thought it would be cool to do a weekend retreat that walked people though a complete change. As I worked with it, I realized it would increase the chances of the change sticking if I followed it with a class series to provide support and guidance during the vulnerable unfoldment phase- when people typically give up or get talked out of their change.

The work is experiential and eclectic. The interventions were chosen purely on the basis of their effectiveness and efficiency to effect change. It draws primarily on Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, personal belief systems, and Jungian dreamwork and symbolism. It works with whatever spiritual beliefs you have.

So if you or someone you know is looking to shift something in their life- career, relationship, life focus, behavior pattern, etc. ... and you feel like it is time... come join me for a weekend at Mt. Cheney. I am told the leaves will be changing up there that weekend. If leaves can change- so can we.