Clear mind, Open heart.

When you are feeling, you cannot see things as they are. You become attached and lose your objectivity. But becoming attached is not bad- it is part of feeling. Both seeing clearly and feeling are essential to have rich, beautiful life experiences. You just can't do both at the same time.

So... clear mind, open heart. See things clearly first. The I Ching or Book of Changes refers to this as "The Creative" or masculine dynamic or "yang." So, at the beginning, clearly see things as they are. See if what is in front of you is a good place for you to be. See all the possibilities that are presenting themselves to you.

Then... surrender to the experience and allow yourself to feel. This is the open heart part. The Creative surrenders itself to "The Receptive" or feminine dynamic or "yin". Loving, feeling, and engaging in life require losing some objectivity and clarity. Feel and be part of it. Then... after the feelings of the experience have passed, allow yourself to see clearly again so you can understand and learn from the feelings and experience that you had.

The concept of non-attachment is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Buddhism. Being non-attached and seeing clearly is essential to having a rich experience. Being detached from the outcome is also essential. But trying to stay unattached while we are experiencing feelings is an exercise in futility and frustration. You end up not being very clear or experiencing anything fully.

So get clear. Do a meditation retreat. Do a vision quest. Soul search. Find clarity for your life. But then take that clarity and focus with you as you come back out in the world to experience life again. Fall in love. Get involved. Feel. We are here to experience things. That is the only way that we can understand.

Being thankful is not taking people for granted

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had an awesome day. Giving thanks is a cornerstone of most every religious and spiritual path for a reason. One factor is that the practice of giving thanks prevents one of the most destructive habits of relationships- taking people for granted.

It's kind of strange. Once we get past learning to trust people, we settle into routines, patterns, and expectations. We come to expect the things that the person has been providing. We lose sight of how precious and important this person is to us. We start to take them for granted. We figure no matter what, they will always be there. We neglect them. We figure I'll focus on my deadline at work, my kids, etc. My relationship is strong, it can handle it.

In counseling people after they have gotten a divorce, I have heard variations on the same story time and time again: "I figured if I worked all the time for just another year we would be fine." Or, "She told me she wasn't happy and that we never spent time together anymore, but I figured we would get through it." They continue, "And then one day they just left. They said they were done." People have emotional needs and once they go through enough loneliness and disappointment, something inside of them shifts and they are not able to do it anymore. Finally, the person then looks at me soulfully and says, "What happened? How did I get here?" They got there by taking someone they loved for granted. It happens with mates, kids, friends, and parents.

Sorry for the somber note on Thanksgiving weekend. But this year consider not taking any of the people that you care about for granted. It requires time and re-prioritizing. It may be inconvenient. Think of it as an investment in the people that are precious to you.

True Strength is Always Born of Gentleness

True strength is created from trusting ourself. More specifically it is based on trusting our heart- our intuition and instincts. It is not trusting our intellect. Strength based on our intellect or rules is contrived and rigid. This will create anger or "willful intent" and likely cause damage.

In order to access our true strength is is necessary to allow energy in. (In contrast to this, when we are angry, we push our energy out). When you are in a situation, open yourself to what is going on. Allow the energy of the situation in so you can feel what is going on. This allows your intuition or knowing self to kick in. Then you trust your heart or intuition (or gut) to tell what you to do and take action- even if it does not make sense intellectually. Acting from from your heart is always strong and true.

The best indicator of true strength is that it is always born of gentleness. What we do may be be firm and really strong with people, but it is always based on gentleness and compassion. This is because it came from your heart. It is based on the energy of the situation and the empathetic response of our intuition. Carl Jung called this acting based on the "requiredness of the situation."

So if your strength or strong action is gentle and compassionate, it is true. If it is not gentle, it is something else- usually control or anger. It is like that Keb Mo song, "I don't know what it is, but that's not love." Or in this case... that's not strength.

Angry or hurt? Ask, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?"

One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a "we" and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.

Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this "necessary loss." It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).

Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?" This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.

So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.

Are you a giving person? Allow the circle to complete itself.

Generous, giving people often allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Sadly, when people do not appreciate your gift, it has limited benefit. It is wasted effort. "Completing the Circle" (below) is a technique to give without being taken advantage of and to have your gifts make a difference:

1. Detach from the outcome of what the person will do with your gift.

2. Give a give a free gift that has no strings. Lay out your best.

3. Objectively observe if the person offers a "put back" to complete the circle. It could just be a sincere thank you. It could be valuing what you gave and using it to help their life or other's lives. It could be reciprocating. It could be payment for services. It could be taking you to lunch. It could be making you a pie or giving you some of their canned peaches. It could be ordering pizza when you help them move. It is their intent that counts here. It does not have to be of equal weight to what you gave them.

4. Look for patterns. Usually there will be behavioral patterns that happen over and over again. Are you the giver, and they the taker? Do they find something wrong with your gift. Do they expect it? Do they appreciate it?

5. If the circle completes itself, you know that it is good place to give. If the circle does not complete itself, it may be time to discern if this is a good investment of your time and energy. There are likely other people who would gladly complete the circle with your gift- if you gave them the opportunity.

Happy giving and May the Circle be Unbroken (written by the Carter Family in 1928).

Sacred Space and Keeping Yourself Intact

What is sacred to us are the things that are most important to us. When we share these parts of ourselves we become exposed and vulnerable. We have an emotional and spiritual need to share these sacred things with people. This is what intimacy and closeness is. I refer to this as allowing them into our "sacred space."

It seems that something so important and vulnerable as allowing someone into your sacred space ought to have some ground rules. The number one parameter for someone in your sacred space is that they respect and honor what is sacred to you. This is not a place for them to criticize, make fun of, or disagree with what is sacred to you. This is not about them. They are in your world now. They are either able to accept and respect what is sacred to you or they are not.

If they are not able to respect your sacred space, it is your responsibility to yourself to get them out immediately. This is called "keeping yourself intact." They have lost the privilege to share that most beautiful part of you. Not removing them and protecting this vulnerable part of yourself leads to deep emotional wounds and difficulty trusting people.

Removing them from your sacred space is doing whatever it takes to take away the ability for them to continue to disrespect that sacred part of you. There is no correct way to do this. This is not about assertiveness or honest communication. This is damage control. You may not be feeling especially strong after someone just violated your trust. You may be in shock. Saying something as as simple as, "I have to get going now," or, "It is getting late." could work. You could change the subject or simply leave. You can confront them or explain things to them later, but this will not happen in the middle of your sacred space.

It seems only fair when you do that most courageous act of sharing yourself, you do so in a manner that keeps you intact. Ultimately, this leads to trusting yourself (to keep yourself intact), so you can share again another day.

They would tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat.

Up to a couple hundred years ago, Native American tribes of the plains were dependent on the Buffalo for food and survival. They used every part of the buffalo for sustenance. If a person were to see a herd of buffalo on the plains, the first thing that he or she would do is go back and tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat. They would get a hunting party together much like depicted in the hunt scene in Dances with Wolves (see video clip). They would hunt together and kill numerous buffalo- so the whole clan could eat for a long time.

The clan did not tolerate self-centeredness or "I consciousness." If the person that saw the herd shot a buffalo from himself and scattered the herd, the clan would take away his shelter and everything that he owned for endangering the clan with with his self-centeredness and failure to consider the needs of the entire clan. They could not afford such self-centeredness and lack of consideration. They could not survive with it. Their "we consciousness" or as they called it being "one-of-the-people" was the key to their survival and their way of life.

How is it that our current culture can afford self-centeredness? Why do we continue to indulge in it? Why do we tolerate it? Is it that we had so much abundance and wealth with the technology of the second part of the 20th century that we no longer needed acting as one-of-the-people for our survival?

It is quite possible that the return of limited resources and tough economic times will require us to live with one-of-the-people consciousness once again. We may actually need to consider each other and work together survive. Maybe we already do- but have just not realized it yet.