Clear mind, Open heart.

When you are feeling, you cannot see things as they are. You become attached and lose your objectivity. But becoming attached is not bad- it is part of feeling. Both seeing clearly and feeling are essential to have rich, beautiful life experiences. You just can't do both at the same time.

So... clear mind, open heart. See things clearly first. The I Ching or Book of Changes refers to this as "The Creative" or masculine dynamic or "yang." So, at the beginning, clearly see things as they are. See if what is in front of you is a good place for you to be. See all the possibilities that are presenting themselves to you.

Then... surrender to the experience and allow yourself to feel. This is the open heart part. The Creative surrenders itself to "The Receptive" or feminine dynamic or "yin". Loving, feeling, and engaging in life require losing some objectivity and clarity. Feel and be part of it. Then... after the feelings of the experience have passed, allow yourself to see clearly again so you can understand and learn from the feelings and experience that you had.

The concept of non-attachment is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Buddhism. Being non-attached and seeing clearly is essential to having a rich experience. Being detached from the outcome is also essential. But trying to stay unattached while we are experiencing feelings is an exercise in futility and frustration. You end up not being very clear or experiencing anything fully.

So get clear. Do a meditation retreat. Do a vision quest. Soul search. Find clarity for your life. But then take that clarity and focus with you as you come back out in the world to experience life again. Fall in love. Get involved. Feel. We are here to experience things. That is the only way that we can understand.

Being thankful is not taking people for granted

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had an awesome day. Giving thanks is a cornerstone of most every religious and spiritual path for a reason. One factor is that the practice of giving thanks prevents one of the most destructive habits of relationships- taking people for granted.

It's kind of strange. Once we get past learning to trust people, we settle into routines, patterns, and expectations. We come to expect the things that the person has been providing. We lose sight of how precious and important this person is to us. We start to take them for granted. We figure no matter what, they will always be there. We neglect them. We figure I'll focus on my deadline at work, my kids, etc. My relationship is strong, it can handle it.

In counseling people after they have gotten a divorce, I have heard variations on the same story time and time again: "I figured if I worked all the time for just another year we would be fine." Or, "She told me she wasn't happy and that we never spent time together anymore, but I figured we would get through it." They continue, "And then one day they just left. They said they were done." People have emotional needs and once they go through enough loneliness and disappointment, something inside of them shifts and they are not able to do it anymore. Finally, the person then looks at me soulfully and says, "What happened? How did I get here?" They got there by taking someone they loved for granted. It happens with mates, kids, friends, and parents.

Sorry for the somber note on Thanksgiving weekend. But this year consider not taking any of the people that you care about for granted. It requires time and re-prioritizing. It may be inconvenient. Think of it as an investment in the people that are precious to you.

True Strength is Always Born of Gentleness

True strength is created from trusting ourself. More specifically it is based on trusting our heart- our intuition and instincts. It is not trusting our intellect. Strength based on our intellect or rules is contrived and rigid. This will create anger or "willful intent" and likely cause damage.

In order to access our true strength is is necessary to allow energy in. (In contrast to this, when we are angry, we push our energy out). When you are in a situation, open yourself to what is going on. Allow the energy of the situation in so you can feel what is going on. This allows your intuition or knowing self to kick in. Then you trust your heart or intuition (or gut) to tell what you to do and take action- even if it does not make sense intellectually. Acting from from your heart is always strong and true.

The best indicator of true strength is that it is always born of gentleness. What we do may be be firm and really strong with people, but it is always based on gentleness and compassion. This is because it came from your heart. It is based on the energy of the situation and the empathetic response of our intuition. Carl Jung called this acting based on the "requiredness of the situation."

So if your strength or strong action is gentle and compassionate, it is true. If it is not gentle, it is something else- usually control or anger. It is like that Keb Mo song, "I don't know what it is, but that's not love." Or in this case... that's not strength.

Angry or hurt? Ask, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?"

One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a "we" and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.

Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this "necessary loss." It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).

Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?" This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.

So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.

Are you a giving person? Allow the circle to complete itself.

Generous, giving people often allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Sadly, when people do not appreciate your gift, it has limited benefit. It is wasted effort. "Completing the Circle" (below) is a technique to give without being taken advantage of and to have your gifts make a difference:

1. Detach from the outcome of what the person will do with your gift.

2. Give a give a free gift that has no strings. Lay out your best.

3. Objectively observe if the person offers a "put back" to complete the circle. It could just be a sincere thank you. It could be valuing what you gave and using it to help their life or other's lives. It could be reciprocating. It could be payment for services. It could be taking you to lunch. It could be making you a pie or giving you some of their canned peaches. It could be ordering pizza when you help them move. It is their intent that counts here. It does not have to be of equal weight to what you gave them.

4. Look for patterns. Usually there will be behavioral patterns that happen over and over again. Are you the giver, and they the taker? Do they find something wrong with your gift. Do they expect it? Do they appreciate it?

5. If the circle completes itself, you know that it is good place to give. If the circle does not complete itself, it may be time to discern if this is a good investment of your time and energy. There are likely other people who would gladly complete the circle with your gift- if you gave them the opportunity.

Happy giving and May the Circle be Unbroken (written by the Carter Family in 1928).

Sacred Space and Keeping Yourself Intact

What is sacred to us are the things that are most important to us. When we share these parts of ourselves we become exposed and vulnerable. We have an emotional and spiritual need to share these sacred things with people. This is what intimacy and closeness is. I refer to this as allowing them into our "sacred space."

It seems that something so important and vulnerable as allowing someone into your sacred space ought to have some ground rules. The number one parameter for someone in your sacred space is that they respect and honor what is sacred to you. This is not a place for them to criticize, make fun of, or disagree with what is sacred to you. This is not about them. They are in your world now. They are either able to accept and respect what is sacred to you or they are not.

If they are not able to respect your sacred space, it is your responsibility to yourself to get them out immediately. This is called "keeping yourself intact." They have lost the privilege to share that most beautiful part of you. Not removing them and protecting this vulnerable part of yourself leads to deep emotional wounds and difficulty trusting people.

Removing them from your sacred space is doing whatever it takes to take away the ability for them to continue to disrespect that sacred part of you. There is no correct way to do this. This is not about assertiveness or honest communication. This is damage control. You may not be feeling especially strong after someone just violated your trust. You may be in shock. Saying something as as simple as, "I have to get going now," or, "It is getting late." could work. You could change the subject or simply leave. You can confront them or explain things to them later, but this will not happen in the middle of your sacred space.

It seems only fair when you do that most courageous act of sharing yourself, you do so in a manner that keeps you intact. Ultimately, this leads to trusting yourself (to keep yourself intact), so you can share again another day.

They would tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat.

Up to a couple hundred years ago, Native American tribes of the plains were dependent on the Buffalo for food and survival. They used every part of the buffalo for sustenance. If a person were to see a herd of buffalo on the plains, the first thing that he or she would do is go back and tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat. They would get a hunting party together much like depicted in the hunt scene in Dances with Wolves (see video clip). They would hunt together and kill numerous buffalo- so the whole clan could eat for a long time.

The clan did not tolerate self-centeredness or "I consciousness." If the person that saw the herd shot a buffalo from himself and scattered the herd, the clan would take away his shelter and everything that he owned for endangering the clan with with his self-centeredness and failure to consider the needs of the entire clan. They could not afford such self-centeredness and lack of consideration. They could not survive with it. Their "we consciousness" or as they called it being "one-of-the-people" was the key to their survival and their way of life.

How is it that our current culture can afford self-centeredness? Why do we continue to indulge in it? Why do we tolerate it? Is it that we had so much abundance and wealth with the technology of the second part of the 20th century that we no longer needed acting as one-of-the-people for our survival?

It is quite possible that the return of limited resources and tough economic times will require us to live with one-of-the-people consciousness once again. We may actually need to consider each other and work together survive. Maybe we already do- but have just not realized it yet.

Power Struggle- "No, you come into MY world!"

Most of us have experienced a power struggle in a relationship. No fun. But what is it really about? I have found that most power struggles with couples are about trying to get the other to come into your world. The wife wants her husband come into her world and live in their with her. The husband wants the wife to come into his world. The more determined of the two usually wins. The loser resents the winner; the winner loses respect for the loser.

How about a choice c. ? What if a couple created a new world together. The new world would be different than either of your individual worlds. It would be based on what works for both of you. You still get to keep your individual worlds. It is just when you are together you primarily hang out your shared world. You could occasionally visit each other's worlds to experience and understand each other. You could go into your own world by yourself or with a friend. But you focus most of your time with each other creating a world together.

This requires a shift in consciousness- from "I" to "We." (See my previous From I to We blog). In your shared world you have to consider what is best for both of you when you make decisions. You have to give up some of your pictures of how you wanted the relationship to be. You may have to decorate and pick out paint together. You have to ask each other, "What do you think?" a lot.

Is it worth it? You decide. I will tell you the destruction, resentment, and loss of respect created by an ongoing power struggle are rarely resolved. And... the beauty and happiness of creating a world together far surpasses the initial discomfort and fear of redefining yourself and letting go of control. Who knows, maybe WE will have a good time together.

Allowing Ourselves to See Possibilities

Possibilities for the things we want most are presenting themselves to us all the time. But we only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are available to us. We all have limiting belief systems that tell us what aspects of life are available to us and what are not. We say to ourselves, "That works for my friend, but I do not have those types of experiences." So when possibilities present themselves to us, we do not even see them. They pass right on by. Our self-beliefs create a veil that prevents us from seeing them. They are blind spots for us. And then we say, "See, that kind of thing never happens for me."

A really funny example of this was the ending of the movie Dumb and Dumber (See video clip). After spending most of the movie trying to find women, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are along the side of the road- complaining that they never get a break. A bus full of women on a bikini tour, stop by and invite them to go on tour with them. The guys say, there is a town a few miles down the road where you ought to be able to find two guys. After the bus leaves one of them says, "Some day we will get our break." My theory is that we do this to ourselves all the time. It is not that we are dumb- it is that we have blind spots. We turn down opportunities that will get us what we want, because we do not see the possibility.

I have done exercises with single clients, asking them to list every woman/man in the room-and then to go talk to the ones that they didn't notice before. They reported things like, "He is nice and really good looking, but I didn't even see him before. Or, "I saw her when I came in, but figured that she would never be interested in me." Upon talking to her, he found out that he figured wrong.

Not seeing possibilities also happens with business opportunities, jobs, promotions, money, and anything that you want. Perhaps God, Spirit, or the universe is trying to answer our prayers and we don't even notice the opportunity put in front of us. That is what I find interesting about The Secret and Law of Attraction which teaches us that we create our life. People spend all this time asking for the things that they want, and then when the thing they want presents itself- they don't even see it. They do not really believe it is available to them. It does not come the way that they pictured it. It's like we need a "The Secret Part 2- Recognizing the things that we created for ourselves."

To change this unfortunate pattern, it helps to be aware of and to challenge your limiting belief systems. Another tool I use is that whenever an experience presents itself to you, ask yourself, "What are the possibilities?" Or, "Are there possibilities here that I am not allowing myself to see?" You will be amazed at the things that appear out of thin air!

"But first, you must empty your cup..."

In the Zen tradition, Tea Ceremony is the most sacred of ceremonies. The teacher serving tea to the student ultimately signifies that the teacher is being of service to the student. The following story is a teaching passed to me from this oral-tradition, retold, based on my memory and story-telling style.

Many years ago, a Zen teacher was conducting a tea ceremony for his student. The student was very proud of his spiritual accomplishments. When the teacher began pouring tea, the student told the teacher of all of the spiritual truths that he had learned. The teacher quietly listened and poured tea. As the cup became full, the teacher continued to slowly pour tea as it overflowed out of the cup onto the saucer. As the student talked and talked, the saucer slowly became full and the tea began to flow onto the table. About the time that the tea started to spill onto the floor, the student thinking the master a fool said, "Master, can't you see that you are spilling tea all over the floor!" The teacher said, "Yes, but first you must empty your cup- so there is room for something new."

My teacher used to tell this story to me when I was not "teachable." Or he'd just say, "Empty your cup, Mike." I heard it more than once. I still use it to remind myself to let go of my preconceptions and the things that I "think I know"- so I can learn from a new experience. May it serve you too.

Who is that Person that I am Supposed to be Close To?

We often share the least about ourselves and what we feel with the people that we are closest to. We are less honest with them. The risk is too high. If we are married to them, have children with them, or work with them, it is a high level of investment and entanglement. Risking the relationship by sharing what we honestly feel threatens to turn our lives upside down. So we often keep our threatening feelings to ourselves or share them someone that we have less investment with.

After a while we do not know the people that we are supposedly the closest to. With not sharing what we feel, we miss out in experiencing who they are. They in turn, do not get to know who we are. We tell ourselves that we know them. How could we not, we live with them. But when is the last time you shared something that you are really excited about or scared about? When is the last time that you let them know that they hurt your feelings?

Of course, not risking is not safe. Being honest actually increases the likelihood that you will stay together. But it sure doesn't feel that way.

So this weekend, take a risk. Trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure some honesty. I recommend starting small to give you both some time to adjust. Then.. invite them to share something that has been on their mind. You might find out that you live with a really beautiful human being. A lot of the beauty and richness, after all, is in the messy, risky stuff that we protect each other from.

Completing Our Harvest

The Native American medicine wheel illustrates our cycles of life and growth throughout the year. The spring (or east) is a time of new beginnings, birth, and planting seeds. The summer (or south) is a time of activity, learning, and growth. The fall (or west) is the time of harvest, maturity, and completion. The winter (or north) is a time of introspection and death of the old- so something new can be born in the spring.

The beautiful fall weather we are experiencing in the Inland Northwest led me to reflect on the importance of this time of year. The fall harvest is the manifestation of the things we planted in the spring and nurtured during the summer. Doorways open up to us based on what we conceived earlier in the year. This is similar to what The Secret and "Law of Attraction" suggest when they speak of our thoughts creating our reality.

The fact that the things that we ask for often come in a form that is different from the way we pictured makes the fall harvest little trickier. We sometimes do not recognize what we have created for ourselves. At the beginning of the Autumn, we are often sorting out what our harvest is.

But by November it is time now to bring our harvest to completion. What are the missing pieces that we need to tie up for ourselves so that we can reap the most out of our harvest? How do the different elements of our harvest interlink? It is essential that we tie this up now- as it will be soon time to detach from the activity of our fall harvest so we can get an objective understanding of it during the introspective time of winter. Besides, completing it now allows just enough time to be thankful for it at Thanksgiving.

Where are we going spend the holidays this year?

Wherever we spend our holidays says which family is most important to us. Whichever family gets the most priority during the holidays is our primary family. What is the important part of my holiday and whom I spend that with? Do we go to their house or do they come to ours? Where is Thanksgiving dinner? Where do we open our presents?

Our primary family is what we see ourselves to be most a part of. It is where we feel that we most belong. What we are most a part of is our primary role-identification. Am I primarily a husband and father or am I primarily my parents' son? I have to choose. Whether we realize it our not, what we emphasize during the holidays tells our mates, our children, our parents, and everyone around us where we stand. Actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes our family of origin is so strong, that we forget that our new family needs to be acknowledged. Do we trust our new family enough to make it our priority? Are we worried about hurting people's feelings? By acting to not hurt people's feelings, are we breaking other people's hearts?

It does not mean we can't be part of several families and celebrate them at different times. But which one are we most a part of? Which relationships are the most important to us? That is probably the family we should consider emphasizing the most this holiday season.