Feeling the loss of "What could have been"

Feeling disappointed? Did you see a possibility or potential to share something with someone that they were unwilling or unable to explore with you?

I encourage people to always be looking for the possibility of shared experiences. Can we explore this together? Unfortunately, sometimes people you want to share with are unable to get outside of themselves. They may not be emotionally available. They may not be able to see the same possibility that you do. You are left hanging.

At the core, this is an issue of loss. It is the loss of "what could have been." It is the loss of a hope or dream that you created with someone.

This is often the last piece of grieving a relationship. We have to let go of the dream that we created with that person. The dream will never again present itself in that same way or with that same person. It feels sad and hollow. It feels a little like dying- that is because a dream or possibility that you were able to see is dying.

The good news is that when you grieve "what could have been" at this level, you know you are at the bottom. You are almost over it. You just have to feel it as you let it go.

And... any moment now a beautiful new possibility will present itself to you.

"Encompassing" to Benefit Everyone Involved

Life happens fast. It is challenging to get out of yourself and become "part of" the experience that you are involved in. Most scramble to glean what they can for themselves.

"Encompassing" offers an alternative to this. It opens the door for "mutually beneficial" or win-win interactions. The first phase is asking yourself, "What am I a part of right now? What could benefit and uplift everyone involved?"

The second phase of encompassing is "allowing in" all of the information around you. I call this phase "broad-basing." This phase is often perceived as being overwhelming. We fear going into information overload.

Actually, broad basing makes the the third phase, decision making, easier. Some the challenges start working together to solve each other. Decisions are put in to perspective and the best course is more apparent.

The fourth phase is to trust yourself and take deliberate action.

You have to let go of how you would do it if you were alone. You have to let go of trying to control every aspect of the experience. Rather, you are orchestrating the forces that are around you. It is a highly effective leadership style.

For people who are up for it, the world desperately needs this type of leadership. The people involved experience that mutual beneficial interactions are possible. We as a people may start to believe in the possibility that business and interactions can be mutually beneficial. We could then once and for all evolve beyond predatory interactions and gaining at others expense.

How do you choose to express your joy?

My all time favorite quote is "The choice is: how we affect, how we reflect our Buddha nature" by Bart Anderson.

What if we did have did have a "Buddha nature" inside of us- a pure beauty, joy, and love that is pure possibility? Buddha nature (or Christ consciousness, life force, chi, passion, prana) is pure spiritual energy that is available to be "reflected" any way we choose. When we are angry that is how we are reflecting our Buddha nature.

Or if you like... What if the only true emotion is joy? And, all the other feelings and emotional states are derivations of joy. If we are feeling sorry for ourselves, that is how we are expressing our joy.

So, how do you choose to express your joy? How do you choose to reflect your Buddha nature?It may be the most important choice you have. It may be the only choice you have.

The choice you make in expressing your Buddha nature in any given moment is your "offering" to those around you and the world. It is your prayer. It is how you "make a difference." It is whether you contribute to peace or violence. It is whether you uplift or drag down. It is whether you create or destroy.

The choice you make in expressing your joy is "how you affect." It is also the experience that you choose to have. And... it makes all the difference in the world.

Make Time for Date Nights

I just heard about Barack and Michelle Obama having date nights. I thought it was cool. Apparently, some people took issue with it. I thought they were being excellent role models.

The importance of date nights in a marriage or relationship is huge. I recommend at least one a week. If you do not reinforce the primary relationship, there is no foundation to build the rest of the family on. Sadly, this is the the thing that often gets left out. We are too busy. We are too tired. We can't find a baby-sitter. We can't afford it.

With the stress and busy-ness of raising a family, it is easy to grow apart. All relationships need reinforcement. Relationships require shared experiences to keep them strong. It is essential for some of those experiences to be fun and romantic. This reinforces the romantic aspect of the relationship. Otherwise your relationship becomes all work and no play and too business-like. You start feeling like roommates or co-parents. Besides that, it is no fun.

So... it's Friday. It's still not too late to find a baby-sitter and find something to do. Consider it an investment in your marriage or relationship. If the leader of the free world makes time for it, what's your excuse?

Building Momentum for Your New Life...

Changing takes energy. We have to work through our resistance. We have to venture out of our comfort zone. We make mistakes, because we really have not learned how this new thing works yet. We have setbacks- even when we do everything right. It is easy to get discouraged. Self-doubt sets in, "Who was I kidding thinking that I could do this."

One essential element of creating something new is building momentum. Making change requires that we keep our energy moving forward. We are building confidence. We are changing our beliefs about ourselves and the world. One of the most challenging things is to believe in possibility- to believe that what we want is attainable.

The best way to build momentum is by creating and acknowledging success. (This is also the best way to build self-esteem). In a sense, we are proving to ourselves that we are another step closer to our goal. We are proving that we can do it. We are acknowledging that it is happening. We are stating to believe in possibility.

Energy builds on itself. It moves with momentum. Once we have momentum moving forward, things start opening up for us. Creating the things that we want starts to get easier. Our motivation builds. Set backs are not as devastating- we just shift our momentum in a slightly different direction. Do not let your momentum dwindle and dissipate. Keep it building. Keep it moving forward.

The toughest part is getting started. It takes some energy to to overcome our inertia and to get the ball moving. Every day ask yourself, "What is one thing that I can do today to get closer to my goal." At the end of your day acknowledge your progress. The snowball is starting to build. It is stating to move forward. Lookout world, my new life is coming through.

Pure Emotion is a Stimulus for Movement

Is it emotion or emotional? Emotion is the pure feeling, and emotional is the reaction to the feeling. Sadness is the the pure emotion. Moodiness, depression, self-pity are reactions to the sadness. We often indulge in the emotional or reaction to in order to avoid the pure feeling.

It is important to be able to discern between pure emotion and the reaction to that feeling. Knowing the pure feeling is the most important information you can have about how to act in an experience or situation.

Pure emotion is a stimulus for movement. It is a call to action. Everything I say and do (all movement) ought to come from my feelings. This is what our instincts are. Intention is an expression of my feelings. What I stand for comes from my feelings. Acting from our feelings is honest. Acting from feeling is innocent and pure. Acting from feeling is acting with passion.

Feelings are either a stimulus toward or away from. Attraction or repulsion. Joy is a call for unfoldment- a call for movement toward. Being attracted to, in awe of, curious about, or drawn to are stimuli for movement toward. Pure anger or rejection is a stimulus to move away from. Sadness or loss is moving way from. Feeling something is not right is a call to move away from.

We have to learn to trust our feelings and instincts. We are lost without them. Due to fear and the inability to trust our feelings, we check or filter our feelings though our intellect to feel safe- so we don't hurt people or ourselves or make mistakes. Then our action becomes contrived. It is not honest. We discount our feelings- our most important indicator for action.

So what's in your heart? I hope that is the direction that you are moving.

Blessing the Lesson

We just experienced a painful lesson. We realize we did some damage. We hurt someone's feelings. We pushed someone away. We missed an awesome opportunity. We neglected someone or something that is precious to us. We cost ourselves or someone else a lot of money.

We are now beating ourselves up. "How could I be so careless? What was I thinking?"

Rarely do we see this as the opportunity that it is- to learn something. If we made this mistake, there is a good chance that we have made it before. It might even be a behavioral pattern that we keep doing over and over again. If we learn this lesson now, we never have to experience this pain again. We could actually welcome the opportunity to learn from this experience. I call this, "blessing the lesson."

If we had learned the lesson before, we would not have needed to experience it again. Unfortunately, it often takes some pain or damage to get our attention. And... how long do we have to punish ourselves before we are willing to let it go? Just make sure we learn something before we do- no need to do this one again. Why not have some compassion for ourselves? What brought us to making such a mistake? Anyway, what are our choices? We can continue to beat ourselves up or we can try to glean value from it.

"Blessing the lesson" is promising yourself to never make that same mistake again. That ought to be a good enough reason to forgive yourself. Don't cha think?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here...

Our culture and world are overwhelming. Life comes at you come at us fast. We have little time to manage the massive amount of information that comes at us. We are impacted emotionally at a fast rate. The workplace is piling more and more stuff on us to do. We go on overload and then shut down. Our emotional self says, "Wrong, I am shutting this one down." Soon, we stop feeling the awe and joy of life as well

This is similar to PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). It occurs when we experience something beyond what we are able to process emotionally. We suppress, numb, or forget the experience to protect ourselves. These things we suppress do not just go away- they get stored in our psyche. Later, when we feel safe, memories and dreams start coming back to us. That intense dream or horrific nightmare might be us trying to remember and feel something, so we can let it go. It is not coming back to haunt us, it is coming back so we can heal.

We get overwhelmed spiritually as well- by the vastness and unlimited possibilities of life. We don't have the tools to manage the expansiveness, so we create a veil between ourselves and creation to feel safe and in control. We create our own reality or world. We often do this at a relatively young age and then we forget that we did it. We start believing that our contrived reality is the way things are. We assume that other people are living in that reality too, but they created their own version. We miss a lot of life this way.

So what to do? To be open emotionally or grow spiritually, we must learn to manage overwhelm. The first step is containment. It is essential to limit our experiences and simplify our life to where we can feel it, again. This involves accepting that "all things affect" and becoming more selective with the things that we expose ourselves to (see previous blog). Just because we are not being affected intellectually, does not mean we are not being affected emotionally. Some things like work, ex-husbands/wives, etc., we may not be able to avoid- at least right away. But many of the things that overwhelm us stem from our choice to hang out in stressful environments. We could just as easy say "This is not a good place for me," and leave.

Forthcoming will be more tools to manage overwhelm. I believe it is one of the most essential and challenging things to staying emotionally and spiritually healthy in our world today.

I pray for not only me, but "For All My Relations"

My spiritual teacher, Bart Anderson, conducted Native American sweat lodges to help get in touch with themselves. He described sweat lodge as a place you go to pray. When praying in lodge, he suggested that I pray for the people that are in my "stream of consciousness" and for the things that I am part of. He said to do this because spirit does not recognize the concept of "I". It does not recognize separation- only connection. It is only us that views ourselves as separate. We create the illusion that we are separate and not connected to "all things."

The Lakota Sioux people pray by saying "Mitakuye Oyas'in" which means "for all my relations." Or, I ask this for not only me, but for all my relations. If you pray this way, he explained, spirit will answer your prayers. It will recognize your prayer as praying for the betterment of your people- which actually means something.

What if we saw ourselves that way all the time. If we expanded our level of consciousness to include all the people that we are a part of. As well, whenever we are in an experience, we encompassed all of the people that were involved in the experience. We could then consider what was best for the whole. Our life and expression would be a walking prayer that spirit would acknowledge and bless. Our life would be in harmony.

Predatory versus Mutually Beneficial interactions- you decide.

Our world has "de-evolved" or degenerated to the place where predatory interaction is the norm. Predatory actions are based on the notion that I can only gain at someone else's expense. The underlying belief of predatory behavior (like that of greed) is that my resources are limited. I do not allow myself to see possibilities. So if I want something, I am going to have to take it from someone else.

We can rationalize anything. We rationalize predatory behavior by saying things like, "it is just business." Corporations are "protecting their shareholder's interest." Most stockholders and consumers seem willing to support this behavior as long as they get a profitable investment or good deal on a flat screen TV.

The opposite of predatory interactions are mutually beneficial (or win-win) interactions. These interactions are based on the belief that if we collaborate and put our heads together, we can create a solution that allows everyone involved to benefit. We have to go beyond linear thought and limited perspectives to see new possibilities and innovate new paradigms. Once you prove to yourself that you can create things for yourself, the notion of gaining at another's expense is absurd. Why would you need to?

So now that the world's natural resources are getting more and more limited and the world population continues to sky rocket, we are going to have to choose. Are we going to fight each other for the remaining resources? Or... are we going to work together to create innovations that transcend our perceived limited resources to a place where this is enough for all who choose to participate. This choice may be the deciding factor between war and peace- between destruction and creation.

We make this choice every day. Whenever you collaborate with someone for mutual benefit, you are contributing to the peace of the planet and true evolution of humankind.

Got the January blahs? Feelings are a call to action.

The holidays are emotionally powerful. They force us to look at the extent we have the love and relationships that we want and need. For single people that want to be in a relationship, it is sad. For people that are not currently in relationships that fulfill them, it hurts. After it all subsides, we are left with January. The days are grey and short. There is a natural let down after the holiday extravaganza. We are behind at work. For many of us, there is not a lot going on in January. There may not be much to look forward to in the near future.

Depression is much more common than people acknowledge. It is not just with people that are clinically depressed or diagnosed. We all go though emotional cycles and can get down at times. January is a common time for this.

Feelings are a call to action. If I am feeling sad, lonely, or unfulfilled, it is a signal that I should attend to that area of my life.

Also, the best way to work through a depression is to take action. As soon as you engage in a project, activity, or relationship, you are not depressed anymore. Of course, the last thing that you feel like doing when you are feeling down is taking action. Usually, you have to force yourself. Sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself may feel good (it releases endorphins), but it is not effective to work through the blahs.

So take that class, start that art project, get out and socialize. Make plans. Find something to look forward to. Flirt. Ask somebody out. Orchestrate a romantic evening with your significant other. Remember, it is a good time to position yourself for another emotionally-laden holiday around the corner- Valentine's Day.

So Happy January! What can you look forward to?

How do your environments affect you?

All things affect. Continuing with the seasonal theme of introspection and reevaluating our lives, it is essential to consider how the environments we expose ourselves to affect us. Environments include our home, neighborhood, workplace, relationship, friendships, and social arenas.

One of the stories that we tell ourselves is that we live in a vacuum and the environments we experience do not affect much. We can handle it. We are tough and resilient. We have good boundaries. The truth is that our environments have a huge effect on us and the quality of our lives. If we understood how much, we would likely be much more selective about what we expose ourselves to.

Environments either uplift us or tear us down. Truly uplifting environments are mutually beneficial in that everyone involved are uplifted. The best gauge is how you feel while you are in the environment. Another much is if you are supported to be yourself- regardless of what you are feeling or what mood you are in. Environments that affect us negatively lead to us becoming hardened, desensitized, cynical, sarcastic, anxious, or depressed.

We also tell ourselves that we are stuck with our existing environments. The reality is that all of our environments are a choice. They may not be immediately changeable. For instance, if we determine that our career exposes us to an environment that does not serve us, it may take a some time to shift that- but it still might be extremely worthwhile.

So it might be useful to consider how your environments are affecting you. Are they uplifting you? Are they serving you? If not, it may be time to make some different choices in 2010. There all kinds of environments and worlds to experience. Which ones do you choose?