Expand you social horizons with "social arenas"

During this ideal time for introspection that corresponds with winter and New Years, some of us may decide that we need to expand our social horizons. We may be single and feeling a little lonely and isolated. We may be in relationships and/or friendships that are no longer meeting our emotional needs. We may be raising children and/or working a lot and not getting out very often. The holiday blues may be a reminder that we have not been attending to our emotional needs effectively.

So what to do? Get out and interact with people that have the qualities you are looking for. They may be people you know or people that you have not met.

One of the most effective ways to do this is through creating what I call "social arenas." A social arena is a place where the type of people that you are looking to relate to hang out. I suggest a 3-step process to create social arenas: 1. Identify what elements you are looking for in people you want to relate to- (i.e. honesty, not self-centered, etc.). 2. Identify social arenas where people with those qualities hang out; 3. Attend these social arenas on a regular basis.

By attending the same arena regularly, you will get familiar with these people. And even more importantly- they will get familiar with you. Conversations start to develop naturally. You start to get invited to things. You start to become a part of the little community. You have opportunities for new relationships. Examples of social arenas include: coffee shops, restaurants, wine bars, churches, meetup groups, gyms, yoga classes, bookstores, hockey games, Tai Chi class, dance class, art class, First Friday Art Walk, art galleries, rodeos, museums, the symphony, jazz bars, college or continuing education class, walking your dog at a park, and the list goes on...

So in 2010, open yourself to interacting with some quality, compatible people. They are out there... just hoping to meet someone like you.

Help bring back New Year's Resolutions

No one likes New Year's resolutions anymore. They may be getting close to extinction. This year, I've already heard several people say, "I don't like resolutions. I never follow through with them anyway." Maybe the problem is not with the resolution- but the follow through. I like New Year's resolutions. It is right after the new light of the summer solstice. It is the perfect time to reinvent your life. It is the ideal time to make change.

So this year my thought is we could bring back New Year's resolutions. Of course the best way to bring them back is to make them and follow through with them. Then we can use all this social networking stuff to make resolutions so we can create motivation and momentum for each other. So I invite you to list your resolution after this post on Facebook, Twitter, or Blogger. Hopefully, together we can start a nice list.

I will start. I have three resolutions this year: 1. Aerobic exercise three times a week; 2. Meditate every morning (I am hitting about 4 times a week now); and 3. Do what I call "closure" every evening. Closure is asking yourself a series of 6 questions for each significant, impactful experience of the day- usually about 2 to 4.

Then our first goal is to make it through January. They say if you can do something for a month that you will create a new pattern for yourself. Once you get into February it is part of your routine.

So Happy New Year. That is, make a New Year's resolution and make it a HAPPY and NEW year for yourself.

Is there something you are trying to say to me?

Ever have someone try to communicate with you indirectly? They might hint at something, rather than directly asking you. They might say one thing, but really mean something else. They might even say something to their pet that is really intended for you. Is it just me, or is this maddening? It always seems a bit childish to me.

So... next time someone tries to communicate with you indirectly, consider asking them, "Is there something that you trying to say to me?" Granted, it is a little confrontational, but it is also an invitation to be honest. It is reaching out to hear them and to know them.

If you are like me, maybe you occasionally communicate indirectly yourself. If so, this blog is for that part of you, too. Ask yourself, "What am I really trying to say to them. How can I say it honestly and directly?"

Fact is, most of us often do not feel safe enough to communicate honestly. We do not feel safe to expose what we really want. We may be afraid that there is something wrong with wanting that. We might hurt their feelings. They may get mad at us. It might cause tension. It might cause them to retreat and become more distant. It opens us up to rejection or retaliation.

For me, it gets down to trusting that this relationship is strong enough to be honest. If it is not, then it may need some shaking up anyway. So the core is caring enough to get out of my comfort zone. It is willingness to risk. That is... being willing to risk what I have for something better.

Winter Solstice- a time for introspection

Today is the winter solstice and shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Due to the tilt in earth's axis, the sun is shining directly over the Tropic of Capricorn- its southern most point. Now the sun's migration changes direction and begins to move north again. Our days will start to get longer tomorrow.

In pagan and earth-based cultures, the Winter Solstice is a celebration of the feminine and the goddess. They celebrate this time of maximum darkness to awaken and acknowledge the unbridled power of the dark element in nature and themselves. The dark element represents the feminine, primal, yin, internal, rest, night, cool, dream, and receptive.

The Winter Solstice is when the dark element's dominance over the light element hits is peak and begins to wane. It surrenders to the light element. The I Ching, Hexagram 24- "Return/ The Turning Point (Wilhelm-Baynes translation) describes this, "The time of darkness is past. The winter solstice brings the victory of light." And later in the hexagram, "Therefore seven is the number of young light, and it arises when the number of six, the number of the great darkness, is increased by one. In this way the state of rest gives place to movement."

In one tradition of the Native American medicine wheel, Winter solstice represents the place of the north. It is a time of introspection for us to go inside and evaluate our life over the last year. It is our year's existential crisis where we soul-search what is truly important to us. We can then assess whether we have been living our life consistent with what is important to us. If not, it indicates that a change is necessary for the new year.

So what is most important to you? Is the way you are living your life in harmony with that? If not, it may be time for an adjustment or change for the new cycle. It is, after all, the perfect time of year to reinvent your life.

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?

It can be as simple as wine, candlelight, and a private gift exchange late Christmas Eve- after the kids are in bed. It could be sharing latkes or other traditional Hanukkah dish together. It could be a holiday show or posh New Years Eve party. But doing something is essential. This romantic celebration is along the lines of date nights and nurturing and maintaining your relationship all year long. But whether you admit it or not- the holidays are likely important to you and to your mate. He or she may say it's not a big deal- don't believe them. They are a time when you feel loved and fulfilled- or lonely and hollow. It doesn't always hit you (or them) right away, but it usually does catch up with everyone.

If you are single, that holiday loneliness may be an impetus to get back in the saddle or to be open to a relationship that might be presenting itself to us. Perhaps the plan to put that off until the kids are raised or whatever else is not cutting it. It is a good time of year for New Year's resolutions and new beginnings.

If you are not happy in our current relationship, that lonely and unfulfilled holiday feeling may a call to action to either get the relationship working or to move on. If your relationship has lost some of it's fire, it may be a signal to fan the flames.

And... if we are happily married or in a great relationship, the holidays are a time to celebrate it. So simple and so important.

Point your boat in the right direction and let go

Choosing and understanding the nature of you forthcoming interactions is essential. I have written several blogs on skills like "setting parameters" and "keeping yourself intact" to put yourself in a position to have clear and fulfilling interactions. But... once you have set up your interaction properly, it is vitally important to let go and surrender to the experience. I picture this as pushing your boat in the right direction before you let go and experience where the river takes you.

Most people are good at one or the other. Some of us are good at planning our interactions. These "planners" set up everything just right, but often do not get out of their head so they can let go (of control) and surrender to the experience. Life is not very fulfilling or fun for planners.

Others of us are good at letting go and flowing with experiences, but do so without much forethought. These "free spirits" often surrender to experiences that are not conducive to what they are after and impulsively act without considering the effects of their actions. Free spirits often do not create the life they really want.

Why not do both? We could point our boat in the right direction and then let go. We could briefly consider if the experience in front of us is good place for us to be, what our parameters and intentions are, and what the possibilities and likely effects are. Then we could make our choice and surrender to the experience. We trust ourselves and our "survivability" enough to let go and surrender to the unknown. We might even lose ourselves in the experience (that could be fun). If the experience starts to go south, we could step back, repoint our boat, and then jump back into the experience again- or leave. We have the rest of our lives to analyze it, but just that moment to experience it.

So how does that float your boat?

Challenging the Parameters of our Existence

Once upon a time there was this dog. When she was just a pup, she was out in her back yard in the suburbs. A squirrel came running by, and she chased it. Just when she was about to catch the squirrel, she got pulled backwards by the neck. She discovered she was on a chain. After a few more "lessons," she learned she had about a 20 foot radius. After that, when chasing a squirrel, she started to to slow down when she got near the perimeter so as to not clothesline herself again. She accepted that she was destined to live inside of her circle. She never challenged it again.

As time passed she grew into an adult dog. What she didn't know was that the chain's corkscrew mount into the ground was not very strong. It held her as a puppy, but now that she was 75 pounds and a strong adult dog, she could easily break free if she risked running hard at the perimeter. But she never even considered doing that. It was not part of her reality.

Confronting the edge of one's reality was clearly depicted in at the end of The Truman Show- another awesome movie by Peter Weir (see clip).

Are there things in our life we could easily free ourselves from, but do not challenge due to experiences from the past? The I Ching (Wilhelm/Baynes translation) describes this as, "A man (or woman) is oppressed by bonds that can be easily broken."

So maybe its time to make a run at our flimsy constraint. We could break through our contrived movie set. We could challenge the parameters of our existence. Who knows, there may be a whole new world waiting for us on the other side.