metablog

New location for Metablog

2010-06-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

My blog can now be found at http://michaelhoffman.info/

You can also see it on Facebook on my "like page" at Michael Hoffman- Transformational Speaker

Thank you for following this blog,

Michael Hoffman

Movie "Brothers" shows complex ways that war affects

2010-05-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I just watched the movie Brothers on DVD (see trailer). It does an excellent job of showing how war affects people's lives back home. If you have not seen it, I really recommend it- that is when you are up for an emotionally intense movie. It is extremely well done and the actors give outstanding performances.

I do not think we always consider the complex ways that war affects people and families. Brothers does an excellent job of conveying this. Tobey Maguire's character was strong; he had every aspect of his life together. Yet his war experience, granted it was extreme, totally broke him down. Even though he worked through the really intense part of his healing, he was left wondering if it was possible to rebuild his life. No matter how strong we are, we are vulnerable to such trauma.

The effects on his family was huge including his brother, wife, two daughters, and father. The dynamics in his family are profound and complex.

He likely would not have survived if his brother (Jake Gyllenhaal) and wife (Natalie Portman) were not so strong and supportive. I wonder what happens to the veterans that are not as strong as his character, and did not have such strong and caring family members.

As a statistic, Tobey Maguire's character lived. But his life and the lives of his family will never be the same. Hundreds of thousands of lives are affected in so many ways when veterans return home.

Next time you feel poorly about yourself, go deeper

2010-05-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

You are innocent and beautiful inside. If you go deep enough, there is nothing but light and love in there.

Our innocence and beauty just gets walled off with mistaken beliefs about ourselves. We are told there is something wrong with us- that we are deficient. We are told that we are born of sin. These self-beliefs create onion layers around the light and love.

After a while, we cannot access the light and love anymore. All we can feel are the onion layers or mistaken beliefs. They feel icky. We believe that the ickiness we feel is who we are inside.

These beliefs are 180 degrees from the truth. Those mistaken beliefs are not who you are. Someone sold you a bill of goods. You believed them.

Next time you feel poorly about yourself, go deeper. Meditate, pray, fall in love, follow your passion, explore. Just do whatever it takes to get beyond the onion layers to the light and love.

Your beauty is still in there waiting for you to discover it. Beneath the layers of self-beliefs, you are still as innocent as the day that you were born.

But don't believe me. You will have to experience it for yourself.

That works for me

2010-05-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

Things either work for you- or they don't. Few things in life are so cut and dry.

When you let go of trying to control or change people and situations, you are left with accepting them the way that they are. Then your only recourse is to discern whether this situation works for you or not- and act on it.

Environments either support who and what you are or they do not. If they do, proceed. If they do not- you owe it yourself to leave and find one that uplifts you. One that works.

Relationships either support you as you are, or they do not. You get the idea.

So embrace or encompass the experience that is in front of you. Allow all the information in. Discern. Your instincts will tell you if it is a good place for you to be. Then... find the courage to either stay and surrender yourself to it- or leave. You may have to be there for business reasons, but you don't have to hang out.

There are people who are willing and able to support you as you are. They likely will not have the opportunity to meet you until you extricate yourself from your non-supportive people. There sometimes is a lonely period between leaving the old and finding the new. It takes strength and determination.

Most of us have to get a little more selective about how and where we spend our time. Life is so precious. Time and how we spend it is our most valuable resource.

I am nothing, I know nothing

2010-05-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Whenever I want to be really present, I say, "I am nothing, I know nothing." It is a declaration taught to me by my teacher to be clear when doing Native American ceremony. I use it in all aspects of my life. Saying this (and meaning it) allows me to detach from all the things that I thought I was and thought I knew. Then I can discover who I am in my present experience.

It allows me to "empty my cup," so there is room for something new.

It allows me to be "teachable." I can learn something.

Then I do not have to reinforce the things I thought I was or thought I knew with my new experience. I can be free to see and experience things way they are.

It is the most powerful teaching and tool that I was ever given.

Try it sometime. You will be amazed at what you discover.

See (that person) outside the box

2010-05-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

The first thing that people often do when meeting someone new is to put them in a box. We intellectually label and stereotype that person. We "pigeon-hole" them so we do not have to think about who they are anymore. Then we just interact with our preconception of them.

Truth is... people just do not fit that well into a box. They are dynamic, complex, and ever-changing. They have different aspects of themselves that they draw on at different times.

To get to know someone, we have to be open to who they are all the time. We have to put away our preconceptions of them and pay attention to who they are right now. We may be witnessing the first time they ever exposed that part of themselves to someone.

But most folks do not go to all that trouble. Much easier to make assumptions about people. Then we do not have to think about who this person is. We do not have to continually redefine and discover who they. Most of all, we do not have to redefine who we are in relation to them. We do not have to feel or get involved. That could be risky and downright uncomfortable.

Plus that way we can create the illusion that we can control them. Much safer that way.

Only problem is... we miss our once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to discover who that person really is in this moment. We fail to see how their beauty is beyond definition.

You get to leave when you learn the lesson

2010-05-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

Karma is best defined as unfinished business. Often when we are stuck in situations such as an unhappy relationship or a job that we do not like, it is due to unfinished business.

There is part of us that wants to resolve our unfinished business. We likely unconsciously put ourselves there so we could learn the lesson and complete our unfinished business. Plus, we often need that understanding to create something different.

If we leave the situation before it is resolved, we often create a new similar situation to complete our unfinished business. I call this "revolving door syndrome." The movie Groundhog Day depicted this concept extremely well. When Bill Murray's character completed the lesson, he got to leave his revolving door or "karmic loop."

Therefore if you are stuck in a situation that is not working for you, it may serve you to explore what the lesson is. What are you trying to learn or understand? Then you can complete your unfinished business and move on to something new.

Furthermore, I have found when people resolve their unfinished business, a shift or new doorway will often naturally appear.

On the other hand, once you have learned the lesson, you owe it to yourself to leave. There is nothing there for you anymore.

So... if you do not like your job (or other situation), you get to leave it (for good) when you learn the lesson and complete your unfinished business.

Flow like water to where you want to be

2010-04-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

Water flows to its source via the path of least resistance. It is the most powerful thing on the planet.

It does not tantrum against things or demand people or situations to change. It simply flows through anything it encounters. It slowly erodes away its obstacles. It is patient. It always gets where it is trying to go. It doesn't get stuck or attached to things.

So how can we flow like water? It starts with seeing things as they are. Cease expending energy trying to change people and things into what you need them to be. Rather invest your energy and creativity to accepting things as they are and flowing through them.

When entering an experience, encompass (see previous blog) or embrace everything that is going on in front of you. See and accept all the dynamics and interactions. Allow a way to flow through the experience to present itself. Jump in. The water is fine.

You can feel when you are flowing with your life. Things are clicking. Doors are opening. It is harmonious.

True Strength is the extent that you can trust your heart

2010-04-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

True strength comes from inside ourselves. Our heart knows what to do. We access this by allowing ourselves to feel. The extent that we are able to trust our heart and act on what it is telling us to do is how strong we are.

What do we look to when we find ourselves in a challenging situation? Do we trust ourselves enough to act on what our intuition and instincts are telling us to do?

Or... do we try to process it through our intellect? Do we look to others to tell us what to do. Do we try to figure out what is socially acceptable? These things compromise our strength.

Did you ever get a strong feeling to do or not do something, not listen to it, and then later find out that listening to yourself would have saved you a lot of grief?

Leaders are strong in this way. They trust themselves.

Our current world needs leaders and strong people. Can it count on you trusting your heart?

Look inside yourself for guidance and direction

2010-04-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Our culture encourages us to look outside of ourselves on how to be. What direction are things moving? How do I fit? What is socially acceptable? But maybe our culture is more lost than you are. We look to each other and patterns of behavior and trends are formed. Someone declares that this is the new way to be. It has no anchor. The blind are leading the blind.

True direction for your life has to come from inside of you. This is the only hope for fulfillment or true happiness. What is important to you? What are you passionate about? What special talent do you have to offer to make the world a better place? These questions cannot be answered by someone outside of ourselves. Yet, that is where we tend to look.

It has to start with finding a way to look inside yourself. There is something inside yourself that is trying to guide you. You can access it though your feelings and dreams. You can pay attention to what you are drawn to and go explore it. You can mediate or pray. You can journal or express yourself through a project or art. You do can what you really feel like doing. You can trust your instincts.

But is has to start by looking in the right place... inside you. Only you knows what it feels like to be you. Why would you look to another?

Exposure and discovery: The key to intimacy

2010-04-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Intimacy is about exposure. It is allowing someone to see who you really are.

In one form or another, our self-beliefs and self-concepts tell us that there is something wrong with us. That if we allow someone to see who we are inside, they will reject us and leave us. So we present ourselves in a way that spins who we are to make us more socially acceptable. We wear a mask.

The downside of hiding or cloaking yourself is that no one really gets to know who you are really are. You are are all alone with how you feel inside. This is the one of the reasons that loneliness is so rampant in our culture.

So if you want to be close with someone you have to be willing to risk. You EXPOSE who you really are to them. One piece at time. You have to trust that they are strong enough to accept and support who we are. And trust that you are strong enough to heal yourself and reconfigure your life if they are not able to. You will feel a bit vulnerable after you expose something real about yourself. Although uncomfortable- that is a sign that you are on the right track.

And... you have to be willing to DISCOVER who they really are. You invite them to expose who they are. When they start sharing something about themselves, you listen and encourage them to continue. Your only intention is discovering and accepting who they are. Ask inquisitive questions. Do not judge or try to solve anything for them. They will be watching closely to see if you are able to accept them.

So if you want to feel close to someone, risk exposing who you are and discovering who they are. Life is much more enjoyable when you have someone to share yourself with.

Focus and Discipline

2010-04-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

To create the life you want, you need clear intention. This requires focus. You sometimes need to do some soul-searching to find out what is important to you. It has to be what is important to you now- not ten years ago.

As we grow, what is important to us changes. These changes sometimes manifest in "existential crises" such as midlife crises. The way to resolve an existential crisis is to redefine what is important to you. This allows you to focus and create something new. This can be done through a "rite of passage"- or consciously changing what your life is about.

Then you can attract the thing you intend to yourself. This is what The Secret and Law of Attraction talk about.

Once your intention is focused, you need discipline. You have to hold that focus long enough to for it to manifest. If you let your mind and intention go all over the place, you will create random things for ourselves. By the time the things that you intended presents itself, you are onto something else and often do not even recognize it.

Discipline allows us to work with our intention long enough to unfold it. This is illustrated through a metaphor of shooting arrows. If you shoot your arrows in the same direction, it takes you further and further toward your goal. If you shoot your arrows in all different directions, they are not able to be as focused and effective.

So take aim and keep shooting your arrows until the thing you intended presents itself. Many people give up or get distracted right before what they want appears. Focus and discipline.

Time for a change? We all need a Metamorphosis.

2010-04-14T07:00:00.001-07:00

One of my greatest passions is reserving a weekend and guiding people through a complete personal change. I have received so much value from such events over the past 25 years- sometimes as a participant and sometimes as a facilitator.

When planning for this event, my marketing consultant, John Driscoll, had a great idea. Why not make it a weekend retreat instead of a weekend seminar? Then people could stay overnight, eat there, and have an uninterupted 45 hours to focus on themselves. I said let's do it.

I am calling it a "Metamorphosis" Retreat. It will be at the Bear Creek Lodge by the beautiful Mt. Spokane. Many people do not allow themselves the life they want because they do not believe that it is possible. There is something about two days away from it all that evokes the clarity and insight into what is really important to you- and the extent you allow yourself to have it. I will use Native American ceremony, guided meditation, and sharing circles to walk participants through their own metamorphosis- in which they choose what to change into.

The retreat is Friday night, April 23 through Sunday afternoon April 25. There is still room. It includes meals and two nights of lodging at the Bear Creek Lodge. For more information call me at 509-850-7694, or email me at info@michaelhoffman.info.

So turn your cell phone off. Put the world on hold. It will still be there when you return. It just may look a little different.

Look for opportunities to address emotional issues

2010-04-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

When looking to have experiences that have emotional content involved, the timing and energy of the people involved is essential.

When taking care of business, you are primarily working with your rational, analytical mind to make decisions and address situations. It works to have meeting about such and such topic at 10:00 am on Tuesday, for instance. The rational mind or intellect is relatively detached from our emotions and can deal with the task at hand on demand.

But for emotional experiences, it is much more effective to address them when the timing and energy is right. It is important to discern the emotional energy of the person and yourself to see if it is conducive to such a discussion or experience.

So when you are wanting to address something with someone you care about, send out the intention, and then look for opportunities to present themselves to address or experience it. Trust your instincts to know when the energy is right. It is a matter of letting things unfold rather than forcing them.

Another skill to do this is to allow the subject matter that you wish to discuss to arise naturally. My Zen teacher would wait months for me to bring a topic up before he would discuss and give me counsel on it. That way he knew that I was ready and open to it. He found it more authentic to address things that were in the "present."

By finding the right opportunity, you will find the person you wish to connect with more open and available to what you want to share with them.

What energy does this experience require?

2010-04-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

We typically respond to situations by what we say or do. But it is also essential to consider how we say it or do it. With what emotional or life energy do we offer our words or actions? Is it soft and compassionate? Is it strong and intense? Is it playful and humorous?

Obviously, different experiences require different energies. So when we approach an experience and consider what to do, we might also consider what type of energy that experience requires.

People respond to the energy that you carry more than the words or even actions. And it makes actions and words be understood and have more of an impact. It adds color and richness to the experience.

It is when a parent finds the way that there child misbehaved is somewhat humorous- but they want to send the message that what the child did is serious. So they care enough to pull up the energy of being strict and strong. If they do not, the child will not take them seriously and learn anything.

We typically have some energies that we are more comfortable at carrying than others. We tend to offer our default energy with everything that we do.

Offering different energies allows us to be dynamic. We have to be willing to go beyond our inhibition and "play act" that energy. This is what good actors are able to do. They are able to project the energy of what they are saying and doing. So much that you can feel it across the screen. It is real because they pull it up from inside themselves.

People may think we are weird, intense, no fun, over the top, bitchy, not cool, or silly. There is a good chance that they will not like us at the time of that experience. We have to be willing to risk.

So next time you are considering what to say or do- ask yourself, "What energy will express what I am trying to say or do here." Then... find the strength to pull that energy up and offer it.

Discern when offering your gift to someone

2010-04-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Do you like to give? This teaching has helped me immeasurably. When giving... always bring up the energy of the gift to the person you are offering it to and discern if the door is open before offering it to them. Discern if there is a connection before proceeding.

Watch investing in people who are not open. This creates "misguided compassion." Make sure you are not projecting qualities onto them that you need them to have.

A gift from your heart is sacred. Treat it as being precious. People who are not open to it are not worthy of it. Are they in their heart or in their intellect. If they start judging or criticizing your gift, you know you are in trouble. Pack up your gift and move on. Do not waste the beauty of your heart on someone who is not open to it. It hurts you, and frightens and repels them.

So bring up the energy of your gift before offering it. Allow the energy of the person in. Are they compatible? Do they connect? If so, proceed. If not, save it for another day. This is discernment.

The beauty of your gift will soon attract someone that is open to it. You will see them... provided you don't keep trying to give it to people that are not open to it.

"I don't do business that don't make me smile."

2010-03-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

These lyrics from the song Treetop Flyer by Stephen Stills always rang true to me. The interactions and experiences that we present to ourselves and how we respond to them is what comprises our life. Why not experience things that bring joy to you?

I am not suggesting that interactions and relationships need to be blissful or joyful all the time. That is not realistic.

But, if interactions not bringing you joy or making you smile on a regular basis, why would you continue to do it? Life is meant to be joyful.

If you are regularly dreading a job, relationship, client, or any interaction, maybe it is time to make some changes. You could change the parameters of the interaction. Or you could choose to interact with someone or something else. I am not suggesting you spontaneously quit your job or leave your relationship. I am suggesting that you consider how you are choosing to live your life.

Do you believe in your abundance enough to see alternatives for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?

Or... do you submit to the fear of: "I better hold onto to that job with the economy the way it is." Or, "If I leave this person, I may not meet anyone else."

There are a lot of people and opportunities on the planet. There ought to be interactions available to you that make you smile- at least most of the time.

Life is so short. Why hang out in interactions that you continually do not enjoy?

The possibilities of allowing things to unfold

2010-03-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

When I first learned to create things for myself, I tended to force things to happen. This was a huge improvement on being passive and feeling that things were happening to me.

But by forcing things to happen, we are limited to creating the thing that we have our sights set on. It is linear. "I want that job. I am going to make that happen." When we do this, we push our energy out.

By creating an intention for what you want and allowing things to unfold, you open yourself to all the possibilities associated with that intention. There may be something more beneficial than what you initially identified for yourself. When we do this, we allow energy in.

Allowing things to unfold starts with clear intention. It has to get to the core of what you really want.

Then when allowing this to unfold you have to let go of the picture of what you wanted, so you can see all the possibilities that present themselves to you.

When something presents itself to you, it your responsibility (to yourself) to explore it. Possibilites or "doorways" will open themselves to you. You can poke your head in the door to explore it without fully committing or attaching to it. I call this "free flight." If you see it is what you want, you surrender to it. If not, you move onto the next doorway that opens.

What possibilities are you presenting to yourself today? What doorways are opening? Are you allowing yourself to see them?

Spring Equinox: the time to create new beginnings

2010-03-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday, March 20th is the Spring Equinox and the first day of spring. The Spring Equinox is celebrated by Native Americans and other earth-based spiritual traditions by doing ceremonies and rituals. The idea is to connect with what is naturally occurring with the earth and nature. You can then draw on that energy to create movement and change within yourself.

Spring Equinox is represented in the east in the Native American Medicine Wheel in the tradition that I was taught. It is the time of birth and new beginnings. Plants are sprouting and animals are giving birth. It is the perfect time to plant seeds for the coming year.

We can plant seed for our lives as well. This is accomplished by becoming clear in your intent of what you want to create for yourself this coming year. Expressing your intent through prayer, thought, journaling, or meditation plants the seeds for your new life to grow.

This happens energetically at the spiritual level in that the power of your intent or thought focus will actually create and open the doorway for the thing that you want for yourself. This is some of what The Secret and the Law of Attraction talk about. The Secret talks about the law of attraction having three steps to attract what you want to yourself: asking, believing, and receiving. Spring is the perfect time for asking and believing.

At the physical level, focusing on your intent and what you want helps you do what is needed to create it and then to recognize it when it presents itself to you.

Spring is in the air. Make sure you take the time to clarify and express your intention for the coming year. The energy to do so is all around you.

Flexibility and Strength: the Teaching of the Sacred Red Willow

2010-03-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

The red willow tree is sacred to many of the Native Americans of the plains. They build their sweat-lodges out of it. It is flexible and strong. Its bark is a medicine to heal and anesthetize. They use it in their tobacco mixture for the sacred pipe.

The teaching of the sacred red willow is powerful. It grows near water. Water is a universal symbol for emotion. So the red willow draws on pure emotion. This is what allows it to be flexible and strong. Things that do not draw on emotion become brittle and break when life requires it to bend or adapt. They are rigid. Things that are not flexible and adaptable are not truly strong.

If we are able to draw on our pure emotion (and not our reaction to the emotion), we can stay flexible. We can bend and stay strong under great adversity and pressure. We trust our feelings and instincts and know what to do (See blog: Feelings are a stimulus for movement).

We can handle anything that life throws at us.

Finding compassion for yourself

2010-03-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Our deepest issues are with ourselves. All anger, resentment, regret, and betrayal are ultimately self-directed- if we are willing to take them deep enough (see blog: Anger is always self-directed). Once we see and accept that it is us that let us down, true healing can begin.

This healing is accomplished by finding compassion for yourself. You have to go back when you let yourself, your children, or the people you care about down. You need to understand why you made that choice. Regardless of the outcome, what was your intent? Were you trying to save your marriage or protect your family the best way you knew how? Did you not want to hurt someone's feelings? Were you not able to see other possibilities?

You did not have the awareness and understanding of the effect those choices would have at the time. If you did, you would likely have made different choices. Hind-sight is 20/20. It is brutal to yourself to judge what you did in the past based on the awareness that you have now. Give it a rest.

So... find some compassion for that person that you were at the time. You were just trying to make it through life the best you could. You acted based on the information you had, and the possibilities you were able to see at the time. As misguided as it may now seem, you likely did the best you were able to do at the time.

The resolution (and healing) is to forgive yourself for what you did and... to promise yourself to never to that to yourself again.

...if we do not immediately react and let things play themselves out

2010-03-12T07:00:00.000-08:00

I did an experiment this week. I chose not to immediately react to things things that tend to get me angry or hurt. Instead I waited to see how they played themselves out.

The first incident happened on Saturday- someone did not return my phone call. Several days went by. I felt vulnerable. I was tempted to dwell on feeling hurt and sorry for myself- but did not indulge these feelings. On Sunday my upcoming class series on making change starting this week did not get announced at the church service. It was a set-back. I figured not enough people would come to my class. On Wednesday a crisis happened with one of my clients and my coworkers did not inform or involve me. I was tempted to personalize it.

The outcomes were interesting. Four days later the person that did not return my call called and apologized saying that her phone broke and she lost all of in-coming call numbers. She was happy to find my number and was psyched to get together.

People did show up for my class. They heard about it in the March newsletter. I called the coordinator at the church about doing a new class on dreams and symbols. She apologized about not promoting my class better explaining that they had staff turnover challenges. And... in addition to the new class description, she is going to put a paragraph about my upcoming Metamorphosis retreat (that is not even at the church) in the April newsletter to help me out. Their mailing list is large and it may be the break I need to make more people aware of the retreat.

The crisis at work was not even with my client, but a client that had a similar name. They did not call me because nothing happened with my client.

I wonder what percentage of the things we get upset about turn out to not be so upsetting- if we would not immediately react and let things play themselves out? I wonder how much less emotional energy we would expend?

Anger is always self-directed

2010-03-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

Whenever we are angry, we are ultimately mad at ourselves. It could be for putting ourselves in a situation. For allowing someone to treat us poorly. For investing in someone that does not care about him or herself. For getting talked out of listening to ourselves. For doing things when we know better. For drawing ourselves back into an old behavioral pattern with someone or something.

But it is easier to project our anger onto someone or something else. We know how someone is, yet we choose to interact with them anyway. We allow them to treat us poorly. We get angry at them for the way they treat us.

But aren't we angry with ourselves for allowing them treat us poorly? Aren't we really angry at ourselves for interacting with a selfish or abusive person? Are we angry at ourselves for putting ourselves in another no-win situation?

We betrayed ourselves. Our issue is with ourself. The only way to heal it is to forgive ourselves and promise ourself to never do that to ourselves again. And then to care about ourselves enough to follow through.

So next time you are angry at someone. Look at yourself. Did you let yourself down? Can you commit and determine to not do that to yourself again? Do you care about yourself enough?

Personality is a choice

2010-03-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Our personality has a lot to do with how we respond to things. It is often based on our behavioral patterns, belief systems, and identity- the things we think that we are.

Wouldn't it be cool if we could go beyond these illusory and reactionary things and find our true personality? Then our personality would be an expression of our heart and who we really are.

Our personality would then be about how our soul is expressing itself at any given moment. Our personality would likely be more fluid and dynamic. It would be a pure expression of how I honestly see things at any given moment. What we stand for would remain consistent- so people can count on us and trust us.

So then our personality would be a choice. If I am tired of being cynical or intellectual, I could change it. If I am tired of always being nice and not rocking the boat, I could change that too. These things are likely not who we really are anyway.

So what do you choose your personality to be? Does it serve you? Maybe it is time for a personality make-over.

You better believe it!

2010-03-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

We only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are possible for ourselves. Otherwise, what we want could be right in front of us and we would not see it. Even if we saw it, we would discount it or push it away if we did not believe it is available to us.

Most people do not allow themselves to have what they want- because they do not believe that it is possible.

We have to somehow believe that what we want is possible. Once we believe what we want is possible, we will see it and allow ourselves to have it.

But the belief in possibility is the tough part.

It has to start with allowing yourself to have something you do believe is possible that is a step in the in the direction of what you want. Once you allow yourself to have that, you stretch your belief system to allow yourself another piece. You build confidence in yourself. Over time you come to believe that the thing you really want is possible. You prove it to yourself.

I was out on a date about a year ago and she said, "What I really want is to be a psychologist, but I could never do that." In retrospect I wish I would have said, "Well, what about being a psychologist can you see yourself doing?" Then she would have a place to start.

So what do you really want? What is something about it that you believe is possible? That is the perfect place to start.

Complete your experiences by doing "Closure"

2010-02-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

In our busy lives, one experience tends to blend into another. Often we do not complete the previous experience before starting the next one. This keeps us from being present. The unfinished experiences start to build up. They keep us feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

One way to complete experiences (and not drag one into another) is called "Closure." Bart Anderson articulates the 6 steps of Closure as following:

1. Acceptance of the reality of the situation.

2. Reconciliation: Learning something.

3. Asking: What can I do about it?

4. Determination to have things differently.

5. Look at your possibilities.

6. Put your focus in front of you!

Closure can be done immediately following the experience, at the end of the work day, or before bed to complete the day. At the end of the day, it is useful to identify and do closure with all of the experiences that affected you significantly that day.

Within second step of closure lies the key to resolving any past experience- true reconciliation. You cannot undo an experience or "make it right". You can, however, learn from it- so that experience adds value to your life. This is called "blessing the lesson" (see previous blog).

Once completing these steps, you are free to be present for your next experience. You can sleep and dream peacefully. You can start a new day without dragging the unfinished business of the previous day into it.

And... don't forget to do closure at the end of your Friday- so you can have a good weekend.

Touched by "Avatar"? You too can be "Na'vi"

2010-02-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

I finally saw Avatar. If you have not seen it, you have to go. It depicted the connection to the planet, animals, and the clan extremely well. These are some challenging concepts to convey.

The rite of passage ceremony was powerful when they all joined arms. That captures becoming one-of-the people better than anything I have seen.

I also loved the healing ceremony when the clan swayed back and forth. How awesome and selfless to have the whole clan focused on healing someone. Anyone up for some healing circles?

There are reports and numerous posts that people were depressed about not being able experience being part of "the Na'vi." (see link). On the site Avatar forums the topic, "Ways to cope with the depression the dream of Pandora as being intangible" accumulated over 1000 posts. I admit I was sad when I had to "leave Pandora" when the movie ended.

Although some see this as Utopian and even pathetic, I would argue that it has to shows that people are hungry for the elements depicted in Avatar that we have lost in our culture.

And perhaps the ideas are not intangible, but rather need to be adapted to our culture. Instead of being depressed or sad, maybe we should do something about creating some of those elements in our world. Avatar could inspire us to find our connection with the earth and each other. Then it doesn't have to be just a cool movie.

Nature and the Natural State of Being

2010-02-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

The Native American Medicine Wheel could be called the "wheel of life." It shows the natural cycles of life. It uses the things in nature like the change in the seasons to teach how life works. The "East" on the Medicine Wheel represents springtime when there is birth, blooming, and new beginnings.

The I Ching, an ancient Chinese text, states, "Man (and Woman) is as at the height of wisdom when all that he (or she) does is as self-evident as what nature does."

Life has a way that it creates and unfolds things- a "natural state of being." If we step out of our contrived world and tune into the natural way that things work, we can access what we want. Our intention and actions would resonate with the natural state of being, and the things we want would naturally unfold.

It's not that life does not want us to have the things that we want. We have just been going about it in a way that has no place to plug in to the natural state of being. Our culture is no longer in tune with this natural state. In this sense, it is lost.

This is the value of using the Medicine Wheel, meditating, and connecting with nature. These things can teach us how the the natural state of being works, so we can align ourselves with it. We can then resonate with it and unfold the things that we want for ourselves. We can dance with all of creation.

It takes a while to get used to it. It will not feel like it is on our terms. This can be a bit frustrating at first, because we are used to wanting things on our terms.

So next time you want to create something, go observe nature. It can teach you how you can unfold it in conjunction with the natural state of being.

Maybe there is something else that you came here to do

2010-02-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

We have come here for a reason. Maybe we chose to come here at this time to accomplish some specific things. Maybe have some unique gifts to offer the world at this time. Maybe offering those gifts will teach us things that we need to learn to grow and evolve.

Maybe you did not just come here to take up space. Maybe you did not come here to just take what the world offers you. Maybe there is something beyond finding a career, getting married, raising a family, traveling, and hanging out with your grandkids. Not that these things are not awesome things to experience... But maybe there is something else that you came here to do.

The Hindu and Buddhist traditions speak of your "dharma." It means different things in different traditions and contexts. One aspect of Dharma refers to what you came here to do. It suggests you came to this life to accomplish some things at this time.

Native Americans speak of your "medicine". This may be some gift of healing or leadership that gets unlocked during a vision or your life experiences. I like to think of it as the natural uplifting effect you have on others when your heart is open.

Finding your dharma or your medicine(s) and acting on it is spiritually fulfilling. It gives you a sense of purpose.

So look around. It is an important time to be alive. The world and the people and things in it are having some serious challenges right now. They desperately need you and what you have to offer. Your specific spiritual gifts, talents, experience, and wisdom are just perfect for something the world needs right now.

Are you going to do it? It won't be the same without you.

Feeling "Unlovable" on Valentine's Day weekend?- Don't believe it.

2010-02-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

One of the most common and self-destructive self-beliefs is, "I am unlovable." We come by it honestly. When we were a child, if our own mother or father cannot love and accept us the way we are- we assume we are unlovable. Children, after all, are developmentally narcissistic; they make everything about them.

But the reality is, it had nothing to do with us. It had everything to do with the people that were not able to love us.

Anyway, if we carry this belief into adulthood (and most of us do), we keep recreating scenarios to reenforce that we are unlovable. We create self-fulfilling prophesies. We unconsciously love people that are unable to love us back. We push away people that are able to love us (see previous blog). We feel lonely on Valentine's Day.

Maybe it is time to scrap the "unlovable" belief system. If we become consciously aware of our patterns of loving people that are unavailable and/or pushing people that do love us away, we can make different choices.

By allowing people to love us, we disprove and eradicate the unlovable self-belief.

So this Valentine's Day, I invite you to look for signs that you are loved- rather than signs that you are not. I am willing to bet there are people all around you trying to love you. Can you see them?

Happy Valentine's Day.

An Addition to the Law of Attraction?

2010-02-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes describes a "law of attraction" that governs the way that we can attract the things we want to ourselves. Byrnes explains "negation" one element of this law, "The law of attraction doesn't compute 'don't' or 'not' or 'no' or any other words of negation." As you speak words of negation, such as I don't want a bad haircut, the law of attraction is receiving, "I want bad haircuts." She concludes, "The Law of attraction gives you what you a re thinking about- period."

Bart Anderson, teaching from a Native American perspective, explained, "Spirit only knows the collective and connection. It does not recognize "I consciousness" and separation." He continued, "If you want your prayer or intention to be answered, always pray in terms of "we." Include other people in your "stream of consciousness" or people working with the same awarenesses as you. He added, "Make sure that your intent is what is best for the whole. Then Spirit will answer your prayer."

So maybe it is time for an addition to the law of attraction. This additional law would state that the law of attraction only recognizes things that are based on the collective or "we consciousness." If I say I want this for the gratification of my ego, this additional law of attraction does not hear it. However, if you say I want this so it can benefit a number of people including myself, the added law of attraction receives that and provides what you are after.

Of course, that would require seeing ourselves as part of something greater than ourselves.

Breaking unwritten contracts when you make change in a relationship

2010-02-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

All relationships are contractual. Often these contracts are unwritten and unsaid- yet they control most of the experiences of the relationship. We are typically not consciously aware of what we have agreed to with this person. During this winter time of introspection, we may become aware that a relationship that is not working for us. We seek to change the relationship.

When we change the way that we act in a relationship, we break the existing contracts that we had with this person. The person that has the contract broken on them usually feels betrayed, hurt, or angry. The person that breaks the contract often feels guilty. These dynamics tend to happen even if the contract that you are breaking is unhealthy for you and the other person. They were likely comfortable with the way that it was. The other person will often try to convince you to return to the way that it was. They may let you know how painful and inconvenient that this new way is for them.

If this is change you really want, it is essential to allow the other person to have his or her feelings, but not get seduced or talked into returning back into the way that it was. You will likely feel guilty. They will feel hurt. When I was part of a support group that was challenging contracts, we use to welcome the guilt as a sign that we were progressing in challenging our old contracts.

You replace the old contracts with new parameters on how you want the relationship to be. Parameters give you and the other person clear signals on where you are willing and not willing to go in the relationship. You then respond to the person based on your new parameters instead of the old contracts.

Over time as new grooves get established, the parameters become the new contracts. Only this time they are consciously chosen by you- so you can have the experience that you want to have with that person.

The perfect time of year to let the things that no longer serve you die

2010-02-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

The Native American Medicine Wheel is a powerful way to tune into the cycles of the earth and life. My tradition teaches that this time of year late winter or the northeast and late winter- the death of the old. It is the perfect time to let things in your life that no longer serve you die. This makes room for things to be born in the spring.

The north or mid-winter of the Medicine Wheel is the time of introspection- a time to reevaluate what is important to you. The prime time for this was the Winter solstice in late December and early January. Once we identify what is important to us at this time in our life, it is natural to consider the things in our life that serve or do not serve what is important to us.

If it is important to us, do we care enough about our lives to get out of our comfort zones let go of some things? Do we care enough to risk hurting some people's feelings and break some contracts we have with people that are no longer serve anyone? Do we care enough to walk through our resistance and fear to mean business with our life? We are here for such a short time.

It is not that the things we are letting go are bad- it is that they no longer serve us and what is important to us now. At a previous time in our life these things may have served us well. We may have needed them to get where we are now.

So... what no longer serves you? If you can let some things die, it will make room in your heart for something new. Letting the old die before the new has taken form is the ultimate act of faith.

Feeling the loss of "What could have been"

2010-01-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

Feeling disappointed? Did you see a possibility or potential to share something with someone that they were unwilling or unable to explore with you?

I encourage people to always be looking for the possibility of shared experiences. Can we explore this together? Unfortunately, sometimes people you want to share with are unable to get outside of themselves. They may not be emotionally available. They may not be able to see the same possibility that you do. You are left hanging.

At the core, this is an issue of loss. It is the loss of "what could have been." It is the loss of a hope or dream that you created with someone.

This is often the last piece of grieving a relationship. We have to let go of the dream that we created with that person. The dream will never again present itself in that same way or with that same person. It feels sad and hollow. It feels a little like dying- that is because a dream or possibility that you were able to see is dying.

The good news is that when you grieve "what could have been" at this level, you know you are at the bottom. You are almost over it. You just have to feel it as you let it go.

And... any moment now a beautiful new possibility will present itself to you.

"Encompassing" to Benefit Everyone Involved

2010-01-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Life happens fast. It is challenging to get out of yourself and become "part of" the experience that you are involved in. Most scramble to glean what they can for themselves.

"Encompassing" offers an alternative to this. It opens the door for "mutually beneficial" or win-win interactions. The first phase is asking yourself, "What am I a part of right now? What could benefit and uplift everyone involved?"

The second phase of encompassing is "allowing in" all of the information around you. I call this phase "broad-basing." This phase is often perceived as being overwhelming. We fear going into information overload.

Actually, broad basing makes the the third phase, decision making, easier. Some the challenges start working together to solve each other. Decisions are put in to perspective and the best course is more apparent.

The fourth phase is to trust yourself and take deliberate action.

You have to let go of how you would do it if you were alone. You have to let go of trying to control every aspect of the experience. Rather, you are orchestrating the forces that are around you. It is a highly effective leadership style.

For people who are up for it, the world desperately needs this type of leadership. The people involved experience that mutual beneficial interactions are possible. We as a people may start to believe in the possibility that business and interactions can be mutually beneficial. We could then once and for all evolve beyond predatory interactions and gaining at others expense.

How do you choose to express your joy?

2010-01-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

My all time favorite quote is "The choice is: how we affect, how we reflect our Buddha nature" by Bart Anderson.

What if we did have did have a "Buddha nature" inside of us- a pure beauty, joy, and love that is pure possibility? Buddha nature (or Christ consciousness, life force, chi, passion, prana) is pure spiritual energy that is available to be "reflected" any way we choose. When we are angry that is how we are reflecting our Buddha nature.

Or if you like... What if the only true emotion is joy? And, all the other feelings and emotional states are derivations of joy. If we are feeling sorry for ourselves, that is how we are expressing our joy.

So, how do you choose to express your joy? How do you choose to reflect your Buddha nature?It may be the most important choice you have. It may be the only choice you have.

The choice you make in expressing your Buddha nature in any given moment is your "offering" to those around you and the world. It is your prayer. It is how you "make a difference." It is whether you contribute to peace or violence. It is whether you uplift or drag down. It is whether you create or destroy.

The choice you make in expressing your joy is "how you affect." It is also the experience that you choose to have. And... it makes all the difference in the world.

Make Time for Date Nights

2010-01-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

I just heard about Barack and Michelle Obama having date nights. I thought it was cool. Apparently, some people took issue with it. I thought they were being excellent role models.

The importance of date nights in a marriage or relationship is huge. I recommend at least one a week. If you do not reinforce the primary relationship, there is no foundation to build the rest of the family on. Sadly, this is the the thing that often gets left out. We are too busy. We are too tired. We can't find a baby-sitter. We can't afford it.

With the stress and busy-ness of raising a family, it is easy to grow apart. All relationships need reinforcement. Relationships require shared experiences to keep them strong. It is essential for some of those experiences to be fun and romantic. This reinforces the romantic aspect of the relationship. Otherwise your relationship becomes all work and no play and too business-like. You start feeling like roommates or co-parents. Besides that, it is no fun.

So... it's Friday. It's still not too late to find a baby-sitter and find something to do. Consider it an investment in your marriage or relationship. If the leader of the free world makes time for it, what's your excuse?

Building Momentum for Your New Life...

2010-01-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Changing takes energy. We have to work through our resistance. We have to venture out of our comfort zone. We make mistakes, because we really have not learned how this new thing works yet. We have setbacks- even when we do everything right. It is easy to get discouraged. Self-doubt sets in, "Who was I kidding thinking that I could do this."

One essential element of creating something new is building momentum. Making change requires that we keep our energy moving forward. We are building confidence. We are changing our beliefs about ourselves and the world. One of the most challenging things is to believe in possibility- to believe that what we want is attainable.

The best way to build momentum is by creating and acknowledging success. (This is also the best way to build self-esteem). In a sense, we are proving to ourselves that we are another step closer to our goal. We are proving that we can do it. We are acknowledging that it is happening. We are stating to believe in possibility.

Energy builds on itself. It moves with momentum. Once we have momentum moving forward, things start opening up for us. Creating the things that we want starts to get easier. Our motivation builds. Set backs are not as devastating- we just shift our momentum in a slightly different direction. Do not let your momentum dwindle and dissipate. Keep it building. Keep it moving forward.

The toughest part is getting started. It takes some energy to to overcome our inertia and to get the ball moving. Every day ask yourself, "What is one thing that I can do today to get closer to my goal." At the end of your day acknowledge your progress. The snowball is starting to build. It is stating to move forward. Lookout world, my new life is coming through.

Pure Emotion is a Stimulus for Movement

2010-01-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Is it emotion or emotional? Emotion is the pure feeling, and emotional is the reaction to the feeling. Sadness is the the pure emotion. Moodiness, depression, self-pity are reactions to the sadness. We often indulge in the emotional or reaction to in order to avoid the pure feeling.

It is important to be able to discern between pure emotion and the reaction to that feeling. Knowing the pure feeling is the most important information you can have about how to act in an experience or situation.

Pure emotion is a stimulus for movement. It is a call to action. Everything I say and do (all movement) ought to come from my feelings. This is what our instincts are. Intention is an expression of my feelings. What I stand for comes from my feelings. Acting from our feelings is honest. Acting from feeling is innocent and pure. Acting from feeling is acting with passion.

Feelings are either a stimulus toward or away from. Attraction or repulsion. Joy is a call for unfoldment- a call for movement toward. Being attracted to, in awe of, curious about, or drawn to are stimuli for movement toward. Pure anger or rejection is a stimulus to move away from. Sadness or loss is moving way from. Feeling something is not right is a call to move away from.

We have to learn to trust our feelings and instincts. We are lost without them. Due to fear and the inability to trust our feelings, we check or filter our feelings though our intellect to feel safe- so we don't hurt people or ourselves or make mistakes. Then our action becomes contrived. It is not honest. We discount our feelings- our most important indicator for action.

So what's in your heart? I hope that is the direction that you are moving.

Blessing the Lesson

2010-01-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

We just experienced a painful lesson. We realize we did some damage. We hurt someone's feelings. We pushed someone away. We missed an awesome opportunity. We neglected someone or something that is precious to us. We cost ourselves or someone else a lot of money.

We are now beating ourselves up. "How could I be so careless? What was I thinking?"

Rarely do we see this as the opportunity that it is- to learn something. If we made this mistake, there is a good chance that we have made it before. It might even be a behavioral pattern that we keep doing over and over again. If we learn this lesson now, we never have to experience this pain again. We could actually welcome the opportunity to learn from this experience. I call this, "blessing the lesson."

If we had learned the lesson before, we would not have needed to experience it again. Unfortunately, it often takes some pain or damage to get our attention. And... how long do we have to punish ourselves before we are willing to let it go? Just make sure we learn something before we do- no need to do this one again. Why not have some compassion for ourselves? What brought us to making such a mistake? Anyway, what are our choices? We can continue to beat ourselves up or we can try to glean value from it.

"Blessing the lesson" is promising yourself to never make that same mistake again. That ought to be a good enough reason to forgive yourself. Don't cha think?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here...

2010-01-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

Our culture and world are overwhelming. Life comes at you come at us fast. We have little time to manage the massive amount of information that comes at us. We are impacted emotionally at a fast rate. The workplace is piling more and more stuff on us to do. We go on overload and then shut down. Our emotional self says, "Wrong, I am shutting this one down." Soon, we stop feeling the awe and joy of life as well

This is similar to PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). It occurs when we experience something beyond what we are able to process emotionally. We suppress, numb, or forget the experience to protect ourselves. These things we suppress do not just go away- they get stored in our psyche. Later, when we feel safe, memories and dreams start coming back to us. That intense dream or horrific nightmare might be us trying to remember and feel something, so we can let it go. It is not coming back to haunt us, it is coming back so we can heal.

We get overwhelmed spiritually as well- by the vastness and unlimited possibilities of life. We don't have the tools to manage the expansiveness, so we create a veil between ourselves and creation to feel safe and in control. We create our own reality or world. We often do this at a relatively young age and then we forget that we did it. We start believing that our contrived reality is the way things are. We assume that other people are living in that reality too, but they created their own version. We miss a lot of life this way.

So what to do? To be open emotionally or grow spiritually, we must learn to manage overwhelm. The first step is containment. It is essential to limit our experiences and simplify our life to where we can feel it, again. This involves accepting that "all things affect" and becoming more selective with the things that we expose ourselves to (see previous blog). Just because we are not being affected intellectually, does not mean we are not being affected emotionally. Some things like work, ex-husbands/wives, etc., we may not be able to avoid- at least right away. But many of the things that overwhelm us stem from our choice to hang out in stressful environments. We could just as easy say "This is not a good place for me," and leave.

Forthcoming will be more tools to manage overwhelm. I believe it is one of the most essential and challenging things to staying emotionally and spiritually healthy in our world today.

I pray for not only me, but "For All My Relations"

2010-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

My spiritual teacher, Bart Anderson, conducted Native American sweat lodges to help get in touch with themselves. He described sweat lodge as a place you go to pray. When praying in lodge, he suggested that I pray for the people that are in my "stream of consciousness" and for the things that I am part of. He said to do this because spirit does not recognize the concept of "I". It does not recognize separation- only connection. It is only us that views ourselves as separate. We create the illusion that we are separate and not connected to "all things."

The Lakota Sioux people pray by saying "Mitakuye Oyas'in" which means "for all my relations." Or, I ask this for not only me, but for all my relations. If you pray this way, he explained, spirit will answer your prayers. It will recognize your prayer as praying for the betterment of your people- which actually means something.

What if we saw ourselves that way all the time. If we expanded our level of consciousness to include all the people that we are a part of. As well, whenever we are in an experience, we encompassed all of the people that were involved in the experience. We could then consider what was best for the whole. Our life and expression would be a walking prayer that spirit would acknowledge and bless. Our life would be in harmony.

Predatory versus Mutually Beneficial interactions- you decide.

2010-01-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Our world has "de-evolved" or degenerated to the place where predatory interaction is the norm. Predatory actions are based on the notion that I can only gain at someone else's expense. The underlying belief of predatory behavior (like that of greed) is that my resources are limited. I do not allow myself to see possibilities. So if I want something, I am going to have to take it from someone else.

We can rationalize anything. We rationalize predatory behavior by saying things like, "it is just business." Corporations are "protecting their shareholder's interest." Most stockholders and consumers seem willing to support this behavior as long as they get a profitable investment or good deal on a flat screen TV.

The opposite of predatory interactions are mutually beneficial (or win-win) interactions. These interactions are based on the belief that if we collaborate and put our heads together, we can create a solution that allows everyone involved to benefit. We have to go beyond linear thought and limited perspectives to see new possibilities and innovate new paradigms. Once you prove to yourself that you can create things for yourself, the notion of gaining at another's expense is absurd. Why would you need to?

So now that the world's natural resources are getting more and more limited and the world population continues to sky rocket, we are going to have to choose. Are we going to fight each other for the remaining resources? Or... are we going to work together to create innovations that transcend our perceived limited resources to a place where this is enough for all who choose to participate. This choice may be the deciding factor between war and peace- between destruction and creation.

We make this choice every day. Whenever you collaborate with someone for mutual benefit, you are contributing to the peace of the planet and true evolution of humankind.

Got the January blahs? Feelings are a call to action.

2010-01-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

The holidays are emotionally powerful. They force us to look at the extent we have the love and relationships that we want and need. For single people that want to be in a relationship, it is sad. For people that are not currently in relationships that fulfill them, it hurts. After it all subsides, we are left with January. The days are grey and short. There is a natural let down after the holiday extravaganza. We are behind at work. For many of us, there is not a lot going on in January. There may not be much to look forward to in the near future.

Depression is much more common than people acknowledge. It is not just with people that are clinically depressed or diagnosed. We all go though emotional cycles and can get down at times. January is a common time for this.

Feelings are a call to action. If I am feeling sad, lonely, or unfulfilled, it is a signal that I should attend to that area of my life.

Also, the best way to work through a depression is to take action. As soon as you engage in a project, activity, or relationship, you are not depressed anymore. Of course, the last thing that you feel like doing when you are feeling down is taking action. Usually, you have to force yourself. Sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself may feel good (it releases endorphins), but it is not effective to work through the blahs.

So take that class, start that art project, get out and socialize. Make plans. Find something to look forward to. Flirt. Ask somebody out. Orchestrate a romantic evening with your significant other. Remember, it is a good time to position yourself for another emotionally-laden holiday around the corner- Valentine's Day.

So Happy January! What can you look forward to?

How do your environments affect you?

2010-01-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

All things affect. Continuing with the seasonal theme of introspection and reevaluating our lives, it is essential to consider how the environments we expose ourselves to affect us. Environments include our home, neighborhood, workplace, relationship, friendships, and social arenas.

One of the stories that we tell ourselves is that we live in a vacuum and the environments we experience do not affect much. We can handle it. We are tough and resilient. We have good boundaries. The truth is that our environments have a huge effect on us and the quality of our lives. If we understood how much, we would likely be much more selective about what we expose ourselves to.

Environments either uplift us or tear us down. Truly uplifting environments are mutually beneficial in that everyone involved are uplifted. The best gauge is how you feel while you are in the environment. Another much is if you are supported to be yourself- regardless of what you are feeling or what mood you are in. Environments that affect us negatively lead to us becoming hardened, desensitized, cynical, sarcastic, anxious, or depressed.

We also tell ourselves that we are stuck with our existing environments. The reality is that all of our environments are a choice. They may not be immediately changeable. For instance, if we determine that our career exposes us to an environment that does not serve us, it may take a some time to shift that- but it still might be extremely worthwhile.

So it might be useful to consider how your environments are affecting you. Are they uplifting you? Are they serving you? If not, it may be time to make some different choices in 2010. There all kinds of environments and worlds to experience. Which ones do you choose?

Expand you social horizons with "social arenas"

2009-12-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

During this ideal time for introspection that corresponds with winter and New Years, some of us may decide that we need to expand our social horizons. We may be single and feeling a little lonely and isolated. We may be in relationships and/or friendships that are no longer meeting our emotional needs. We may be raising children and/or working a lot and not getting out very often. The holiday blues may be a reminder that we have not been attending to our emotional needs effectively.

So what to do? Get out and interact with people that have the qualities you are looking for. They may be people you know or people that you have not met.

One of the most effective ways to do this is through creating what I call "social arenas." A social arena is a place where the type of people that you are looking to relate to hang out. I suggest a 3-step process to create social arenas: 1. Identify what elements you are looking for in people you want to relate to- (i.e. honesty, not self-centered, etc.). 2. Identify social arenas where people with those qualities hang out; 3. Attend these social arenas on a regular basis.

By attending the same arena regularly, you will get familiar with these people. And even more importantly- they will get familiar with you. Conversations start to develop naturally. You start to get invited to things. You start to become a part of the little community. You have opportunities for new relationships. Examples of social arenas include: coffee shops, restaurants, wine bars, churches, meetup groups, gyms, yoga classes, bookstores, hockey games, Tai Chi class, dance class, art class, First Friday Art Walk, art galleries, rodeos, museums, the symphony, jazz bars, college or continuing education class, walking your dog at a park, and the list goes on...

So in 2010, open yourself to interacting with some quality, compatible people. They are out there... just hoping to meet someone like you.

Help bring back New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

No one likes New Year's resolutions anymore. They may be getting close to extinction. This year, I've already heard several people say, "I don't like resolutions. I never follow through with them anyway." Maybe the problem is not with the resolution- but the follow through. I like New Year's resolutions. It is right after the new light of the summer solstice. It is the perfect time to reinvent your life. It is the ideal time to make change.

So this year my thought is we could bring back New Year's resolutions. Of course the best way to bring them back is to make them and follow through with them. Then we can use all this social networking stuff to make resolutions so we can create motivation and momentum for each other. So I invite you to list your resolution after this post on Facebook, Twitter, or Blogger. Hopefully, together we can start a nice list.

I will start. I have three resolutions this year: 1. Aerobic exercise three times a week; 2. Meditate every morning (I am hitting about 4 times a week now); and 3. Do what I call "closure" every evening. Closure is asking yourself a series of 6 questions for each significant, impactful experience of the day- usually about 2 to 4.

Then our first goal is to make it through January. They say if you can do something for a month that you will create a new pattern for yourself. Once you get into February it is part of your routine.

So Happy New Year. That is, make a New Year's resolution and make it a HAPPY and NEW year for yourself.

Is there something you are trying to say to me?

2009-12-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ever have someone try to communicate with you indirectly? They might hint at something, rather than directly asking you. They might say one thing, but really mean something else. They might even say something to their pet that is really intended for you. Is it just me, or is this maddening? It always seems a bit childish to me.

So... next time someone tries to communicate with you indirectly, consider asking them, "Is there something that you trying to say to me?" Granted, it is a little confrontational, but it is also an invitation to be honest. It is reaching out to hear them and to know them.

If you are like me, maybe you occasionally communicate indirectly yourself. If so, this blog is for that part of you, too. Ask yourself, "What am I really trying to say to them. How can I say it honestly and directly?"

Fact is, most of us often do not feel safe enough to communicate honestly. We do not feel safe to expose what we really want. We may be afraid that there is something wrong with wanting that. We might hurt their feelings. They may get mad at us. It might cause tension. It might cause them to retreat and become more distant. It opens us up to rejection or retaliation.

For me, it gets down to trusting that this relationship is strong enough to be honest. If it is not, then it may need some shaking up anyway. So the core is caring enough to get out of my comfort zone. It is willingness to risk. That is... being willing to risk what I have for something better.

Winter Solstice- a time for introspection

2009-12-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

Today is the winter solstice and shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Due to the tilt in earth's axis, the sun is shining directly over the Tropic of Capricorn- its southern most point. Now the sun's migration changes direction and begins to move north again. Our days will start to get longer tomorrow.

In pagan and earth-based cultures, the Winter Solstice is a celebration of the feminine and the goddess. They celebrate this time of maximum darkness to awaken and acknowledge the unbridled power of the dark element in nature and themselves. The dark element represents the feminine, primal, yin, internal, rest, night, cool, dream, and receptive.

The Winter Solstice is when the dark element's dominance over the light element hits is peak and begins to wane. It surrenders to the light element. The I Ching, Hexagram 24- "Return/ The Turning Point (Wilhelm-Baynes translation) describes this, "The time of darkness is past. The winter solstice brings the victory of light." And later in the hexagram, "Therefore seven is the number of young light, and it arises when the number of six, the number of the great darkness, is increased by one. In this way the state of rest gives place to movement."

In one tradition of the Native American medicine wheel, Winter solstice represents the place of the north. It is a time of introspection for us to go inside and evaluate our life over the last year. It is our year's existential crisis where we soul-search what is truly important to us. We can then assess whether we have been living our life consistent with what is important to us. If not, it indicates that a change is necessary for the new year.

So what is most important to you? Is the way you are living your life in harmony with that? If not, it may be time for an adjustment or change for the new cycle. It is, after all, the perfect time of year to reinvent your life.

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

2009-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?

It can be as simple as wine, candlelight, and a private gift exchange late Christmas Eve- after the kids are in bed. It could be sharing latkes or other traditional Hanukkah dish together. It could be a holiday show or posh New Years Eve party. But doing something is essential. This romantic celebration is along the lines of date nights and nurturing and maintaining your relationship all year long. But whether you admit it or not- the holidays are likely important to you and to your mate. He or she may say it's not a big deal- don't believe them. They are a time when you feel loved and fulfilled- or lonely and hollow. It doesn't always hit you (or them) right away, but it usually does catch up with everyone.

If you are single, that holiday loneliness may be an impetus to get back in the saddle or to be open to a relationship that might be presenting itself to us. Perhaps the plan to put that off until the kids are raised or whatever else is not cutting it. It is a good time of year for New Year's resolutions and new beginnings.

If you are not happy in our current relationship, that lonely and unfulfilled holiday feeling may a call to action to either get the relationship working or to move on. If your relationship has lost some of it's fire, it may be a signal to fan the flames.

And... if we are happily married or in a great relationship, the holidays are a time to celebrate it. So simple and so important.

Point your boat in the right direction and let go

2009-12-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Choosing and understanding the nature of you forthcoming interactions is essential. I have written several blogs on skills like "setting parameters" and "keeping yourself intact" to put yourself in a position to have clear and fulfilling interactions. But... once you have set up your interaction properly, it is vitally important to let go and surrender to the experience. I picture this as pushing your boat in the right direction before you let go and experience where the river takes you.

Most people are good at one or the other. Some of us are good at planning our interactions. These "planners" set up everything just right, but often do not get out of their head so they can let go (of control) and surrender to the experience. Life is not very fulfilling or fun for planners.

Others of us are good at letting go and flowing with experiences, but do so without much forethought. These "free spirits" often surrender to experiences that are not conducive to what they are after and impulsively act without considering the effects of their actions. Free spirits often do not create the life they really want.

Why not do both? We could point our boat in the right direction and then let go. We could briefly consider if the experience in front of us is good place for us to be, what our parameters and intentions are, and what the possibilities and likely effects are. Then we could make our choice and surrender to the experience. We trust ourselves and our "survivability" enough to let go and surrender to the unknown. We might even lose ourselves in the experience (that could be fun). If the experience starts to go south, we could step back, repoint our boat, and then jump back into the experience again- or leave. We have the rest of our lives to analyze it, but just that moment to experience it.

So how does that float your boat?

Challenging the Parameters of our Existence

2009-12-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was this dog. When she was just a pup, she was out in her back yard in the suburbs. A squirrel came running by, and she chased it. Just when she was about to catch the squirrel, she got pulled backwards by the neck. She discovered she was on a chain. After a few more "lessons," she learned she had about a 20 foot radius. After that, when chasing a squirrel, she started to to slow down when she got near the perimeter so as to not clothesline herself again. She accepted that she was destined to live inside of her circle. She never challenged it again.

As time passed she grew into an adult dog. What she didn't know was that the chain's corkscrew mount into the ground was not very strong. It held her as a puppy, but now that she was 75 pounds and a strong adult dog, she could easily break free if she risked running hard at the perimeter. But she never even considered doing that. It was not part of her reality.

Confronting the edge of one's reality was clearly depicted in at the end of The Truman Show- another awesome movie by Peter Weir (see clip).

Are there things in our life we could easily free ourselves from, but do not challenge due to experiences from the past? The I Ching (Wilhelm/Baynes translation) describes this as, "A man (or woman) is oppressed by bonds that can be easily broken."

So maybe its time to make a run at our flimsy constraint. We could break through our contrived movie set. We could challenge the parameters of our existence. Who knows, there may be a whole new world waiting for us on the other side.

Where have all the Barn Raisings gone?

2009-12-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ever see one of the those old movies or westerns that show the small town coming together for a barn raising? The bad guys or some tragedy burned the person's house or barn down. The whole community then comes together and builds a new house or barn for them. The 1985 movie "Witness" by Peter Weir (see clip) showed an awesome barn raising in an Amish community in Pennsylvania. There is cooperation, community, and selflessness. I always thought it was the coolest thing.

Ever wonder why this sort of thing doesn't happen much anymore? I do. In earlier times, or even today in small, isolated towns, people had/have to depend on each other in order to survive. They did not have the luxury of living in social isolation and fenced-in yards.

The closest thing that I see in contemporary America is helping someone move or a church helping paint an elderly person's house. I always make time to help someone move. People in those situations are usually needing help and feeling vulnerable. It is a great way to come together in a genuine shared experience. And, it let's people know that they are not alone. That if things really got bad, there would be someone there to help. It is one of the most powerful ways I know to make a difference.

And... as things with the economy and the planet get more challenging, we may be heading full circle to a time that we once again have to rely on each other to survive. The truth is when we, as a people, start becoming self-centered, self-indulgent, and isolated, it creates societal or economic problems that force us to come together again. It is nature's way of keeping us honest. It could be rather inconvenient. But maybe then, we might not feel so isolated, lonely, and at-risk. Maybe if we started now, things may not have to get as bad as they would otherwise. My friend has a truck...

Responsibility- the key to freedom?

2009-12-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

You create your life. Everything that you are experiencing in your life now was created by you. The undesirable things in your life are either an outcome of a choice that you made, or an experience or person that you chose to expose yourself to. It could be your choice of a job, career, boss, business, place you live, significant other, friend(s), place to hang out, or limitless other things. Of all the possible things on the planet, you chose to expose yourself to those experiences. And now, for better or for worse, you have what you have.

We often tend to view the undesirable things in our life as things that happened TO us. "There I was minding my own business and wham, my boss unloaded on me. What was I supposed to do?"

The cool thing about taking responsibility for everything in your life is that nine times out of ten, if you created it... you can change it. On the contrary, if it happened TO you- there is not much that you can do to change it. You are at the mercy of other people and outside forces. Taking responsibility for your life empowers you to change it and to create the life that you want- the ultimate freedom.

If you start making different choices today, you can expect your life to be significantly different in about six months. That seems to be about how long it takes for new things to manifest. The choice in front of you is whether or not you choose to take responsibility for the things in your life. That choice opens you up to all the other choices- or not.

Metaphor of the Rose: With Beauty comes Pain

2009-12-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

One of my all-time favorite metaphors is that of the rose. It has beauty and delicateness, but also thorns. My interpretation is that with beauty comes pain. With the love and the unfoldment of beauty with another human comes inevitable pain. They are a package deal. We can't care that deeply with another and expect to not get hurt.

Most of us have been hurt or betrayed by loving someone. We seek the love and beauty that comes from exposing our hearts and becoming vulnerable, yet we are reluctant to do so because we got hurt bad when we did this before. We are afraid that we might not survive being hurt like that again. If we allow (or have allowed) ourselves to feel and heal the pain of being hurt before, it should help us believe that we could heal it again. We learn to "believe in our survivability." Then, it is just an issue of willingness to risk.

We tell ourselves a story that we can experience the beauty of love without really letting go. We figure we can have the beauty and unfoldment of the rose without the pain. We allow ourselves to experience some safe, guarded, and superficial love and tell ourselves it is the real deal. But then why are we still so lonely? Deep down we know that it is not the same.

The metaphor of the rose is here to remind us that if we want the true beauty and fulfillment of love, we have to accept that pain comes with it. Are we willing to risk being hurt again?

This Holidays, Start a New Family Tradition

2009-12-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

We often rely on our family of origin for our family traditions. We have been doing them since we were little and they make the holidays feel special to us. This year, why not consider starting a new family tradition for your new or primary family? Traditions add strength and character to families. This family is different than the family that you grew up in- perhaps some new traditions that are tailored to it are in order.

Traditions can be traditional, planned, or spontaneous. They are always start with what is important to you. One of my personal traditions is to have a romantic evening and gift exchange with my girlfriend/wife on Christmas Eve. That is our time. Kids, presents, extended family can come on Christmas day. So think about what is really important to you during the holidays and plan a tradition around it. Make it special. Make it meaningful.

As well, this holiday season look for spontaneous or accidental traditions that may be presenting themselves to you. Maybe you are out of town or busy and cannot get the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. Decorating the tree on Christmas Eve turns out to be turns out to be a huge hit with the kids and everyone involved. Now you have a family tradition. Or... maybe you get invited to go caroling at the last moment and it turns out to be perfect. What is important is considering what elements you are looking for in a tradition- so you recognize it when it appears.

Even better if it is different than either of your and your significant other's traditions. It gives yourselves, your children, and your parents a signal that this is your family. It is unique and special unto itself. It is not to be measured by any other standards. Your family has its own character and personality. And... it deserves to be celebrated.

Emotional consideration: How is that going to affect me emotionally?

2009-12-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

All things affect. We choose what experiences to expose ourselves to. We often make these decisions intellectually. They seem fine on paper. But we often fail to consider how that experience will affect us and others emotionally.

For example, being single and hanging out with someone that you would like to be with and their significant other. On paper, what' s the big deal? You are hanging out with friends. Emotionally, every time he touches her and picks her over you it breaks your heart a little. Why would you do that to yourself?

Or, talking with your ex on the phone in front of your boyfriend or husband. Intellectually, no problem; we are all adults here. After all he said he did not have a problem with it. And besides it's Christmas. At the emotional level, he hears you laugh and sees you smile- and then worries that you still like your ex more and are not fully over him. He trusts you a little less. Meanwhile, your ex starts thinking there is still hope of getting back together. I hope that little "harmless call" was worth it.

The fact is we often underestimate the emotional impact that experiences will have. At the emotional level, we may not be as cool and secure as we think we are. We set ourselves and the people that we care about up for a lot of unnecessary grief. It affects our ability to trust ourselves and each other.

So, upon considering an experience, try getting out of your head and asking yourself, "How will it will affect you and the others involved emotionally?" Use this "emotional consideration" as a factor in making your decisions. Remember... emotions often do not make sense intellectually, but they are more directly correlated to our happiness than anything else.

Clear mind, Open heart.

2009-11-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

When you are feeling, you cannot see things as they are. You become attached and lose your objectivity. But becoming attached is not bad- it is part of feeling. Both seeing clearly and feeling are essential to have rich, beautiful life experiences. You just can't do both at the same time.

So... clear mind, open heart. See things clearly first. The I Ching or Book of Changes refers to this as "The Creative" or masculine dynamic or "yang." So, at the beginning, clearly see things as they are. See if what is in front of you is a good place for you to be. See all the possibilities that are presenting themselves to you.

Then... surrender to the experience and allow yourself to feel. This is the open heart part. The Creative surrenders itself to "The Receptive" or feminine dynamic or "yin". Loving, feeling, and engaging in life require losing some objectivity and clarity. Feel and be part of it. Then... after the feelings of the experience have passed, allow yourself to see clearly again so you can understand and learn from the feelings and experience that you had.

The concept of non-attachment is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Buddhism. Being non-attached and seeing clearly is essential to having a rich experience. Being detached from the outcome is also essential. But trying to stay unattached while we are experiencing feelings is an exercise in futility and frustration. You end up not being very clear or experiencing anything fully.

So get clear. Do a meditation retreat. Do a vision quest. Soul search. Find clarity for your life. But then take that clarity and focus with you as you come back out in the world to experience life again. Fall in love. Get involved. Feel. We are here to experience things. That is the only way that we can understand.

Being thankful is not taking people for granted

2009-11-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had an awesome day. Giving thanks is a cornerstone of most every religious and spiritual path for a reason. One factor is that the practice of giving thanks prevents one of the most destructive habits of relationships- taking people for granted.

It's kind of strange. Once we get past learning to trust people, we settle into routines, patterns, and expectations. We come to expect the things that the person has been providing. We lose sight of how precious and important this person is to us. We start to take them for granted. We figure no matter what, they will always be there. We neglect them. We figure I'll focus on my deadline at work, my kids, etc. My relationship is strong, it can handle it.

In counseling people after they have gotten a divorce, I have heard variations on the same story time and time again: "I figured if I worked all the time for just another year we would be fine." Or, "She told me she wasn't happy and that we never spent time together anymore, but I figured we would get through it." They continue, "And then one day they just left. They said they were done." People have emotional needs and once they go through enough loneliness and disappointment, something inside of them shifts and they are not able to do it anymore. Finally, the person then looks at me soulfully and says, "What happened? How did I get here?" They got there by taking someone they loved for granted. It happens with mates, kids, friends, and parents.

Sorry for the somber note on Thanksgiving weekend. But this year consider not taking any of the people that you care about for granted. It requires time and re-prioritizing. It may be inconvenient. Think of it as an investment in the people that are precious to you.

True Strength is Always Born of Gentleness

2009-11-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

True strength is created from trusting ourself. More specifically it is based on trusting our heart- our intuition and instincts. It is not trusting our intellect. Strength based on our intellect or rules is contrived and rigid. This will create anger or "willful intent" and likely cause damage.

In order to access our true strength is is necessary to allow energy in. (In contrast to this, when we are angry, we push our energy out). When you are in a situation, open yourself to what is going on. Allow the energy of the situation in so you can feel what is going on. This allows your intuition or knowing self to kick in. Then you trust your heart or intuition (or gut) to tell what you to do and take action- even if it does not make sense intellectually. Acting from from your heart is always strong and true.

The best indicator of true strength is that it is always born of gentleness. What we do may be be firm and really strong with people, but it is always based on gentleness and compassion. This is because it came from your heart. It is based on the energy of the situation and the empathetic response of our intuition. Carl Jung called this acting based on the "requiredness of the situation."

So if your strength or strong action is gentle and compassionate, it is true. If it is not gentle, it is something else- usually control or anger. It is like that Keb Mo song, "I don't know what it is, but that's not love." Or in this case... that's not strength.

Angry or hurt? Ask, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?"

2009-11-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a "we" and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.

Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this "necessary loss." It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).

Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, "How is this different than how I hoped it would be?" This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.

So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.

Are you a giving person? Allow the circle to complete itself.

2009-11-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

Generous, giving people often allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Sadly, when people do not appreciate your gift, it has limited benefit. It is wasted effort. "Completing the Circle" (below) is a technique to give without being taken advantage of and to have your gifts make a difference:

1. Detach from the outcome of what the person will do with your gift.

2. Give a give a free gift that has no strings. Lay out your best.

3. Objectively observe if the person offers a "put back" to complete the circle. It could just be a sincere thank you. It could be valuing what you gave and using it to help their life or other's lives. It could be reciprocating. It could be payment for services. It could be taking you to lunch. It could be making you a pie or giving you some of their canned peaches. It could be ordering pizza when you help them move. It is their intent that counts here. It does not have to be of equal weight to what you gave them.

4. Look for patterns. Usually there will be behavioral patterns that happen over and over again. Are you the giver, and they the taker? Do they find something wrong with your gift. Do they expect it? Do they appreciate it?

5. If the circle completes itself, you know that it is good place to give. If the circle does not complete itself, it may be time to discern if this is a good investment of your time and energy. There are likely other people who would gladly complete the circle with your gift- if you gave them the opportunity.

Happy giving and May the Circle be Unbroken (written by the Carter Family in 1928).

Sacred Space and Keeping Yourself Intact

2009-11-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

What is sacred to us are the things that are most important to us. When we share these parts of ourselves we become exposed and vulnerable. We have an emotional and spiritual need to share these sacred things with people. This is what intimacy and closeness is. I refer to this as allowing them into our "sacred space."

It seems that something so important and vulnerable as allowing someone into your sacred space ought to have some ground rules. The number one parameter for someone in your sacred space is that they respect and honor what is sacred to you. This is not a place for them to criticize, make fun of, or disagree with what is sacred to you. This is not about them. They are in your world now. They are either able to accept and respect what is sacred to you or they are not.

If they are not able to respect your sacred space, it is your responsibility to yourself to get them out immediately. This is called "keeping yourself intact." They have lost the privilege to share that most beautiful part of you. Not removing them and protecting this vulnerable part of yourself leads to deep emotional wounds and difficulty trusting people.

Removing them from your sacred space is doing whatever it takes to take away the ability for them to continue to disrespect that sacred part of you. There is no correct way to do this. This is not about assertiveness or honest communication. This is damage control. You may not be feeling especially strong after someone just violated your trust. You may be in shock. Saying something as as simple as, "I have to get going now," or, "It is getting late." could work. You could change the subject or simply leave. You can confront them or explain things to them later, but this will not happen in the middle of your sacred space.

It seems only fair when you do that most courageous act of sharing yourself, you do so in a manner that keeps you intact. Ultimately, this leads to trusting yourself (to keep yourself intact), so you can share again another day.

They would tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat.

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Up to a couple hundred years ago, Native American tribes of the plains were dependent on the Buffalo for food and survival. They used every part of the buffalo for sustenance. If a person were to see a herd of buffalo on the plains, the first thing that he or she would do is go back and tell the whole clan of the herd so that all could eat. They would get a hunting party together much like depicted in the hunt scene in Dances with Wolves (see video clip). They would hunt together and kill numerous buffalo- so the whole clan could eat for a long time.

The clan did not tolerate self-centeredness or "I consciousness." If the person that saw the herd shot a buffalo from himself and scattered the herd, the clan would take away his shelter and everything that he owned for endangering the clan with with his self-centeredness and failure to consider the needs of the entire clan. They could not afford such self-centeredness and lack of consideration. They could not survive with it. Their "we consciousness" or as they called it being "one-of-the-people" was the key to their survival and their way of life.

How is it that our current culture can afford self-centeredness? Why do we continue to indulge in it? Why do we tolerate it? Is it that we had so much abundance and wealth with the technology of the second part of the 20th century that we no longer needed acting as one-of-the-people for our survival?

It is quite possible that the return of limited resources and tough economic times will require us to live with one-of-the-people consciousness once again. We may actually need to consider each other and work together survive. Maybe we already do- but have just not realized it yet.

Power Struggle- "No, you come into MY world!"

2009-11-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

Most of us have experienced a power struggle in a relationship. No fun. But what is it really about? I have found that most power struggles with couples are about trying to get the other to come into your world. The wife wants her husband come into her world and live in their with her. The husband wants the wife to come into his world. The more determined of the two usually wins. The loser resents the winner; the winner loses respect for the loser.

How about a choice c. ? What if a couple created a new world together. The new world would be different than either of your individual worlds. It would be based on what works for both of you. You still get to keep your individual worlds. It is just when you are together you primarily hang out your shared world. You could occasionally visit each other's worlds to experience and understand each other. You could go into your own world by yourself or with a friend. But you focus most of your time with each other creating a world together.

This requires a shift in consciousness- from "I" to "We." (See my previous From I to We blog). In your shared world you have to consider what is best for both of you when you make decisions. You have to give up some of your pictures of how you wanted the relationship to be. You may have to decorate and pick out paint together. You have to ask each other, "What do you think?" a lot.

Is it worth it? You decide. I will tell you the destruction, resentment, and loss of respect created by an ongoing power struggle are rarely resolved. And... the beauty and happiness of creating a world together far surpasses the initial discomfort and fear of redefining yourself and letting go of control. Who knows, maybe WE will have a good time together.

Allowing Ourselves to See Possibilities

2009-11-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Possibilities for the things we want most are presenting themselves to us all the time. But we only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are available to us. We all have limiting belief systems that tell us what aspects of life are available to us and what are not. We say to ourselves, "That works for my friend, but I do not have those types of experiences." So when possibilities present themselves to us, we do not even see them. They pass right on by. Our self-beliefs create a veil that prevents us from seeing them. They are blind spots for us. And then we say, "See, that kind of thing never happens for me."

A really funny example of this was the ending of the movie Dumb and Dumber (See video clip). After spending most of the movie trying to find women, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are along the side of the road- complaining that they never get a break. A bus full of women on a bikini tour, stop by and invite them to go on tour with them. The guys say, there is a town a few miles down the road where you ought to be able to find two guys. After the bus leaves one of them says, "Some day we will get our break." My theory is that we do this to ourselves all the time. It is not that we are dumb- it is that we have blind spots. We turn down opportunities that will get us what we want, because we do not see the possibility.

I have done exercises with single clients, asking them to list every woman/man in the room-and then to go talk to the ones that they didn't notice before. They reported things like, "He is nice and really good looking, but I didn't even see him before. Or, "I saw her when I came in, but figured that she would never be interested in me." Upon talking to her, he found out that he figured wrong.

Not seeing possibilities also happens with business opportunities, jobs, promotions, money, and anything that you want. Perhaps God, Spirit, or the universe is trying to answer our prayers and we don't even notice the opportunity put in front of us. That is what I find interesting about The Secret and Law of Attraction which teaches us that we create our life. People spend all this time asking for the things that they want, and then when the thing they want presents itself- they don't even see it. They do not really believe it is available to them. It does not come the way that they pictured it. It's like we need a "The Secret Part 2- Recognizing the things that we created for ourselves."

To change this unfortunate pattern, it helps to be aware of and to challenge your limiting belief systems. Another tool I use is that whenever an experience presents itself to you, ask yourself, "What are the possibilities?" Or, "Are there possibilities here that I am not allowing myself to see?" You will be amazed at the things that appear out of thin air!

"But first, you must empty your cup..."

2009-11-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

In the Zen tradition, Tea Ceremony is the most sacred of ceremonies. The teacher serving tea to the student ultimately signifies that the teacher is being of service to the student. The following story is a teaching passed to me from this oral-tradition, retold, based on my memory and story-telling style.

Many years ago, a Zen teacher was conducting a tea ceremony for his student. The student was very proud of his spiritual accomplishments. When the teacher began pouring tea, the student told the teacher of all of the spiritual truths that he had learned. The teacher quietly listened and poured tea. As the cup became full, the teacher continued to slowly pour tea as it overflowed out of the cup onto the saucer. As the student talked and talked, the saucer slowly became full and the tea began to flow onto the table. About the time that the tea started to spill onto the floor, the student thinking the master a fool said, "Master, can't you see that you are spilling tea all over the floor!" The teacher said, "Yes, but first you must empty your cup- so there is room for something new."

My teacher used to tell this story to me when I was not "teachable." Or he'd just say, "Empty your cup, Mike." I heard it more than once. I still use it to remind myself to let go of my preconceptions and the things that I "think I know"- so I can learn from a new experience. May it serve you too.

Who is that Person that I am Supposed to be Close To?

2009-11-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

We often share the least about ourselves and what we feel with the people that we are closest to. We are less honest with them. The risk is too high. If we are married to them, have children with them, or work with them, it is a high level of investment and entanglement. Risking the relationship by sharing what we honestly feel threatens to turn our lives upside down. So we often keep our threatening feelings to ourselves or share them someone that we have less investment with.

After a while we do not know the people that we are supposedly the closest to. With not sharing what we feel, we miss out in experiencing who they are. They in turn, do not get to know who we are. We tell ourselves that we know them. How could we not, we live with them. But when is the last time you shared something that you are really excited about or scared about? When is the last time that you let them know that they hurt your feelings?

Of course, not risking is not safe. Being honest actually increases the likelihood that you will stay together. But it sure doesn't feel that way.

So this weekend, take a risk. Trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure some honesty. I recommend starting small to give you both some time to adjust. Then.. invite them to share something that has been on their mind. You might find out that you live with a really beautiful human being. A lot of the beauty and richness, after all, is in the messy, risky stuff that we protect each other from.

Completing Our Harvest

2009-11-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

The Native American medicine wheel illustrates our cycles of life and growth throughout the year. The spring (or east) is a time of new beginnings, birth, and planting seeds. The summer (or south) is a time of activity, learning, and growth. The fall (or west) is the time of harvest, maturity, and completion. The winter (or north) is a time of introspection and death of the old- so something new can be born in the spring.

The beautiful fall weather we are experiencing in the Inland Northwest led me to reflect on the importance of this time of year. The fall harvest is the manifestation of the things we planted in the spring and nurtured during the summer. Doorways open up to us based on what we conceived earlier in the year. This is similar to what The Secret and "Law of Attraction" suggest when they speak of our thoughts creating our reality.

The fact that the things that we ask for often come in a form that is different from the way we pictured makes the fall harvest little trickier. We sometimes do not recognize what we have created for ourselves. At the beginning of the Autumn, we are often sorting out what our harvest is.

But by November it is time now to bring our harvest to completion. What are the missing pieces that we need to tie up for ourselves so that we can reap the most out of our harvest? How do the different elements of our harvest interlink? It is essential that we tie this up now- as it will be soon time to detach from the activity of our fall harvest so we can get an objective understanding of it during the introspective time of winter. Besides, completing it now allows just enough time to be thankful for it at Thanksgiving.

Where are we going spend the holidays this year?

2009-11-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Wherever we spend our holidays says which family is most important to us. Whichever family gets the most priority during the holidays is our primary family. What is the important part of my holiday and whom I spend that with? Do we go to their house or do they come to ours? Where is Thanksgiving dinner? Where do we open our presents?

Our primary family is what we see ourselves to be most a part of. It is where we feel that we most belong. What we are most a part of is our primary role-identification. Am I primarily a husband and father or am I primarily my parents' son? I have to choose. Whether we realize it our not, what we emphasize during the holidays tells our mates, our children, our parents, and everyone around us where we stand. Actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes our family of origin is so strong, that we forget that our new family needs to be acknowledged. Do we trust our new family enough to make it our priority? Are we worried about hurting people's feelings? By acting to not hurt people's feelings, are we breaking other people's hearts?

It does not mean we can't be part of several families and celebrate them at different times. But which one are we most a part of? Which relationships are the most important to us? That is probably the family we should consider emphasizing the most this holiday season.

Trusting People To Be Who They Are

2009-10-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

We are determined to change people. We want people to be who we think they should be. We want people to be who we need them to be. It doesn't seem to matter to us if it is something that they want to be. It doesn't even seem to matter if it is something they are able to be. Yet when they turn out to not be who we needed them to be, we feel hurt and betrayed. We are disappointed over and over again.

What if we trusted people to be who they are? We if we discovered who they are? If we went beyond our preconceptions and who we needed them to be, and honestly looked at who they are? Then, we did not count on them changing. Rather we asked ourselves is this someone (the way they are) that I want to interact with. Then is this person (the way they are) someone I can count on? Is this someone (the way they are) that I want to spend time with my kids. They either are, or they're not.

We might even want to test them. We might share something personal about ourselves and watch what they do with it- in order to find out who they are.

Then, we trust them to be that way. We base our decisions on it.

There is so much freedom in trusting people to be who they are. We avoid so much pain, anger, and heartbreak. We don't have to control anyone anymore. We might have to work a little harder and wait a little longer to find someone who naturally is the way we want someone to be. We also might need to check to see if the way we want someone to be is even possible. But the freedom is well worth it.

This Halloween... The Shadow Knows.

2009-10-28T07:00:00.001-07:00

Carl Jung defined the "shadow" as the part of us that "represents unknown or little know attributes of the ego." He continues about the value of the shadow in Man and his Symbols, "But sometimes everything that is that is unknown to the ego is mixed up with the shadow, including the most valuable and highest forces." Later in the chapter he advises, "If the shadow figure contains valuable, vital forces, they ought to be assimilated into actual experience and not repressed. It is up to the ego to give up its pride and priggishness and to live out something that seems to be dark, but actually may not be"

I cannot think of a better time for what Jung called "the realization of the shadow" than on Halloween. This year why not dance out your shadow by picking a costume that embodies your alter-ego or part of yourself that you normally do not allow or expose? For the really courageous, act in the character of your shadow costume during a party.

So... if you cannot think of a good costume this Halloween, live a little and expand your repertoire. Let your shadow come out to play!

"But never give your love, my friend, Unto a foolish heart"

2009-10-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

This Grateful Dead song, Foolish Heart, written by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia came into my head years after I had last heard it to help me understand a vital lesson.

In 2003, I had been sharing tender, vulnerable things about to myself to critical people. Bart Anderson, the spiritual teacher that I was working with shocked me one day. He said, "They don't deserve your heart." This seemed to go against everything that I had learned from him. He continued (and I paraphrase), "Well, look at it. You and the people you are sharing with are coming from two totally different places. You are opening your heart and being vulnerable, and they are criticizing you and using it against you. Why would you do that?" I didn't have a good answer. But I did stop doing it. He called it "discernment."

Years later I recognized a similar pattern sharing vulnerable things with careless people. And, investing lots of energy in them. It was not working out well. I was getting hurt. This is when I remembered the Foolish Heart song. I stopped doing that, too.

I still allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am much more selective with whom I share sensitive things with these days. But every now and then, I forget and pay the price. That's about when I hear Jerry Garcia's voice singing, "...Unto a foolish heart."

Defining your Relationships and Setting Parameters.

2009-10-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if... we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set "parameters" (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.

Effective parameters can be subtle, but they are always clear. For example, when a coworker flirts with you, think about whether you want flirting to be part of that relationship (definition). Then, give them clear signals (parameters) telling them whether or not you want flirting to be part of that relationship. Or... when a friend is not spending as much time with you as you would like (definition), let them know that you miss them and would like to see them sometime soon (parameter). If they are not available on an ongoing basis, you can redefine that relationship to more of an "acquaintance", and seek a new friend to meet your friendship needs.

By setting parameters, both people than know where they stand with each other. This leads to trusting the relationship and trusting each other. It allows us to get what we want most from the relationship. Defining our relationships and setting parameters to maintain them lays a foundation for them to go deeper and to be more fulfilling.

Defining relationships and setting parameters requires a lot of work. Definition requires thought and difficult decisions. Setting parameters requires courage and strength to address awkward and difficult situations. And... we have to pay attention. But sooner or later, we have to ask ourselves, "Just how important are our relationships to us?"

What are your dreams trying to tell you?

2009-10-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

I see dreams as a way our inner consciousness (aka. unconscious, soul, higher self, etc.), or the part of us that knows what is best for us, tries to communicate with our conscious mind. It communicates with symbols. There is new interest in symbols due to Dan Brown's recent book The Lost Symbol. I believe our ego defends our conscious mind against any communication that threatens it maintaining control and the status quo. But our ego renders our whacky dream content harmless and lets it pass through. So if we decode the symbolism or "interpret" the dream, we can understand what are inner consciousness is trying to say to our conscious mind. I call it "communication with self" and consider it the most pure guidance that we can receive.

I find Carl Jung the most helpful reference to understanding symbols am dreams and recommend his book Man and his Symbols. (Make sure you get the hardback edition with the cool pictures.) I do not recommend getting a dream dictionary that lists all of the symbols' meaning. Better to to a feel for the symbols' meaning by reading some Jung or Joseph Campbell (The Power of Myth is excellent). Or better yet... sit in a dream group with someone that understands symbols and dream interpretation.

So next time you have a really strange dream, ask yourself, "What is it trying to tell me?"

Angry? Send'em a Prayer

2009-10-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Next time you are mad at someone, send them a prayer. It doesn't have to be Christian. It doesn't even have to be a prayer. Send them a blessing, some love, or positive thoughts. The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv talks about the power of our thoughts. Point is- they probably could use all the help they can get. They are probably experiencing pain, stress, and difficulty. Them pushing you away, being short with you, judging you, or being irresponsible likely has nothing to do with you. They are probably projecting their misery onto you.

So next time you want to throttle them, send them a prayer. Send them some love- or better yet love them. Not only will it help them, but it will free you. Free yourself of the resentment that you carry (that hurts you more than it hurts them). Free both of you from your attachment of them being something that you need them to be.

Free yourself to experience some other things.

Stop Pushing People Away!

2009-10-15T07:00:00.001-07:00

"You only allow as much love as you feel like you deserve." This is a quote by Bart Anderson, a spiritual teacher that I studied with for many years. So what happens to the love that we that we do not allow? We push it away. In other words, we push people away when they are trying to love us. When someone is getting closer than we are comfortable with, we push them away. We all do it.

So... all we have to do to experience more love in our life is to stop pushing people away when they are trying to love us. Sounds simple enough. And it is simple, but it is not easy.

First we have to identify how we push people away, then see ourselves about to do it, and then stop ourselves from pushing them away. So what are some of the ways we push people way? With judgement, arrogance, pride, sarcasm, mockery, cleverness, and criticism. Yuk! This isn't so fun anymore.

So the next time you are about to chime in with a snide comment, ask yourself, "Am I trying to push them away?" And if the answer is yes, just keep it to yourself and allow the person to love you. Stop pushing them away. It will likely be a little uncomfortable. Your self-worth will have to expand. But why not give it a shot. You do deserve it. And besides you owe it to yourself and the people that are desperately trying to get close to you.

Moment of Opportunity for Change in a Relationship

2009-10-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Relationships (like people) have behavioral patterns that create separation and undesired outcomes. Making change in a relationship requires acting in the moment when the pattern that you want to change repeats itself. I call this the moment of opportunity.

For example: Say a husband and wife have a behavioral pattern of the husband turning the TV on when his wife was planning to talk about her day. She tells him about something and he half listens while he watches the football game. The wife gets her feelings hurt- feeling unheard, unimportant, and unloved. She stops competing with the TV and sadly retreats to the kitchen. She stews it for a couple of days and then tells her husband that she wants to "talk about the relationship." He thinks "Oh Man" and dutifully listens to her. She tells him that she just does not feel important to him anymore, but does not tell him why. He says, "Oh honey, you are the world to me," and she thinks that this has resolved the problem. All is well- until the next night he comes home, watches TV, and she gets hurt again. Even if she refers to the pattern more specifically during the talk, eventually, one of them will have to do something different when the pattern repeats itself.

In fact, the only way that this pattern can change is for one of them to do something different while it is actually happening- during the moment of opportunity. What if... the next time it repeats itself (and it will), the wife recognizes the moment of opportunity and stands in front of the TV set and says, "It is really important to me to tell you about my day. Is there a time that we could do that?" This may or may not be a good idea, but the point is that she is acting differently in the moment of opportunity, and therefore has created a chance for a different outcome. And he has an immediate reference to what she is talking about.

So... look for the those moments of opportunity to address things as they happen. It may be a little scary at first, but you will find that the results that you get make it well worth it.

PS: Using moments of opportunity are even more essential with children. Otherwise, they just hear your request as "blah, blah, blah."

Time for Couples Retreat?

2009-10-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

I saw the movie Couples Retreat www.couplesretreatmovie.com over the weekend. Although I found the movie to be a bit silly (and funny), it illustrated the value of a retreat. All four couples disengage from the kids, work, routines, and patterns in their lives and and are left with each other to deal with. With some encouragement and guidance in the form of therapy sessions and an adventure, all four couples were able to reconnect with each other in a significant way. Was it oversimplified and Hollywood unrealistic? Yes, but you would be surprised at the break-throughs and healing I've seen happen with some guidance and time away from the duties and distractions of modern life.

I recommend the movie if you like comedies with a cool message, and I definitely recommend a doing a couples retreat. If you or someone you know is interested in a couples retreat, send me an email at info@michaelhoffman.info. I can help you find one or set one up in your area... or Cabo for the matter. It is getting a bit cold after all.

Responding to People based on Intent, not Outcomes

2009-10-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

When I moved to my current residence, I made a phone call to receive garbage service. The nice person gave me all the information about the various services that they offered. I had just missed the service this week and there had been miscommunication about pick-up the week before. It was 100 degrees outside and I had two weeks of garbage that was going be three. So I explained my situation and asked if their was something that she could do. She went to great lengths to organize a special pick up at no extra cost. Apparently, the guys on the truck did not think I was so special, and they did not pick it up- despite her telling them to. It sat out in the sun all day and when got home I found lots of nasty garbage spread all over the driveway by the neighbor's dog.

It was my first day of my new job and when I saw the garbage I was furious. I angrily went to call and confront the lady that I had talked to. But then something inside of me said, "stop." And I thought, this lady went the extra mile for me and truly tried to solve my problem. Her intent was to help me. It seemed that she did not deserve a bunch of my anger and frustration because life happened. So I took a deep breath, got her on the phone, and thanked her for working so hard to solve my problem. The trash got taken away on the normal day which is likely what I should have done to start with.

Later I got to thinking, from now on I am going to respond to people based on their intent- rather than the outcome of what ends up happening. If someone tries their best to help me, that counts for a lot with me. So that is my new policy. What's yours?

From "I" to "We"- Expanding your Consciousness into Adulthood

2009-10-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

When entering a relationship, starting a family, or becoming part of something- it is essential to shift our level of consciousness from an "I" to a "we" perspective. We then take into consideration, make decisions, and take responsibility based on what is best for everyone in the marriage, family, or community. We are now a team. This allows us to move emotionally from adolescence to adulthood.

In our culture, this expansion of consciousness or "rite-of-passage" usually happens when a couple has children. Unfortunately, if one of the couple is not emotionally involved in the child entering the family, that person may not experience the rite-of-passage and remain in the "I"consciousness. This often happens with divorces or separations, as well as, someone who chooses to continue to be self-involved. Fathers are more susceptible to this separation from the "we" of the family- as they may not get the attachment and involvement with the child during pregnancy. They remain stuck in the "I" consciousness of adolescence. You then have a couple with two people living in different worlds.

Therefore... it is essential to create a rite-of-passage into "we" consciousness upon entering a relationship, family, or community. Both the mother and father need to be involved in what is happening in the family. This is why it is so important for the father to go to things like a Lamaze class or help paint the nursery. If you do not have children, you owe it yourself to create this expansion of consciousness by becoming part of something greater than yourself.

On the up side... you will no longer feel so alone.

Hearing Intent: What are people really saying to you?

2009-10-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

People often do not say what they mean. They may not even be aware of what they mean. Listening to their words may not be the best way to understand what they are trying to say to you.

I call the skill to address this issue "hearing intent." It requires listening beyond people's words. It inevitably involves intuition and relying on our instincts. This requires trusting our gut. Some ways to hear intent include asking ourselves the following questions: "Who is this person? What are they trying to say to me? Why are they saying that to me?"

Our response can then address what they were intending to say to us. True communication will happen. Time will be saved. They may seem a little bewildered at first. But they will ultimately appreciate it.

Like any skill this requires practice. Try it on for size when you are feeling bold.

Meeting our Emotional Needs

2009-10-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Human beings have emotional needs. Our biggest emotional needs include: belonging, expression/being heard, and love/caring. Emotional health requires taking responsibility for our emotional needs and finding a way to meet them when they present themselves. For example, if I feel sad or hurt about something, it is my responsibility (to myself) to find someone that can listen to and accept that feeling and share with them (expression). If I feel lonely and isolated, it is my responsibility to find something to be a part of this weekend (belonging).

All emotional needs eventually get met- one way or another. Not meeting our emotional needs eventually results in these feelings coming out "sideways"- often when we least expect it. Examples include: angry outbursts, affairs, addictions, and depression.

So... which do we choose: meeting our emotional needs willingly or on our hands and knees?

Connection or Separation

2009-09-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Everything we say or do either creates connection or separation with the people and life around us. The more connection that we allow in our lives- the more happiness, security, and strength we experience.

I have found this not only to be true- but to be an excellent overall guide when making decisions. When considering whether to say or do something, I simply ask myself will doing/saying that create connection or separation with the person/people involved. If the answer is connection- I proceed, if it is separation- I either pass on it or find a way to do it that creates connection. It is when I do not consider this that I tend to create experiences that I regret.

It is also useful in evaluating and learning from past experiences. Did doing/saying that create connection or separation. Next time... I will do more of that, not do that, or approach it differently.

Best wishes connecting with those around you.

Using Rites-of-Rassage to Create Change

2009-09-03T13:07:00.001-07:00

I have participated in and facilitated seminars and classes to create change for the past twenty years. I found that lasting change occurred more often when a “rite-of-passage” was utilized.

Rites-of-passage go back to the beginning of time in most cultures. They are best known as “coming of age” initiations that mark the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. They signify the death of the old and birth of the new. Other examples include: Native American vision quests, Bar Mitzvahs, graduation ceremonies, initiations, weddings, baby showers, funerals, and retirement celebrations.

So why not experience a rite-of-passage when you want to create change in your life? It gives you and the world a signal that you changed at this point in time. You are... no longer someone that allows people to take advantage of you, you are now someone that demands respect. Or... you are no longer a single guy, you are now part of a family. After the rite, whenever you observe yourself in your old way, say “that is not who I am anymore.” If you have a group of people that support your change and care enough to say to you “that is not what you are about anymore,” the effect is multiplied exponentially.

So... if you or someone you know is serious about initiating change or creating a new way of being, come and experience a rite-of-passage with us. Allow yourself a metamorphosis. You owe it to yourself.

What is Change?

2009-09-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

This represents what I have been up to this summer. For some time I have been considering how the things that I have learned might benefit other people. I drew on twenty-five years of self-exploration and working with people, as well as, study and collaboration with a creative and enlightened teacher. This is the beginning of what I have come up with.

I start with the sole premise that you can (still) create the life that you want for yourself- or change. Hence the name metamorphosis. I always thought it would be cool to do a weekend retreat that walked people though a complete change. As I worked with it, I realized it would increase the chances of the change sticking if I followed it with a class series to provide support and guidance during the vulnerable unfoldment phase- when people typically give up or get talked out of their change.

The work is experiential and eclectic. The interventions were chosen purely on the basis of their effectiveness and efficiency to effect change. It draws primarily on Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, personal belief systems, and Jungian dreamwork and symbolism. It works with whatever spiritual beliefs you have.

So if you or someone you know is looking to shift something in their life- career, relationship, life focus, behavior pattern, etc. ... and you feel like it is time... come join me for a weekend at Mt. Cheney. I am told the leaves will be changing up there that weekend. If leaves can change- so can we.